from tumblr:

happy holidays

Sorry for this late post. I was caught up with family festivities!

So my Christmas consisted of our annual secret santa but our punishment for guessing the wrong person? Eat half a clove of garlic. Needless to say I believe I STILL taste the garlic in my mouth this morning. Each year is a different punishment; what can I say? My family is oddly creative (and evil). Made gorgeous linzer cookies in the morning and went over to my aunt’s for our family Christmas dinner. Overall it was a darling night if you don’t count the fact that someone shot a BB gun and it hit my aunt’s kitchen window scaring the crap out of everyone.

An email I received:

"I was fully tearing up with each word. I don't deserve any of that love, and I don't think I can live up to it either :$ If anything, you are the inspiration to me, you take everything that comes your way with such wisdom to overcome, and it really moves me. I love you so much and I know that God has so many wonderful blessings coming your way. You are filled with energy and this zest for life thats so contagious, I love spending time with you, and just bumping into you makes my day. I hope that life keeps shining in your direction, proving to you that it can and will get better, because I believe that, and I know that you are too precious that mediocre things will inevitably pass by to make way for the extraordinary.. and that's a blessing in itself. Keep being you, because with just your presence you will continue to light up the hearts of all your loved ones during this Christmas season and always :) and never forget that I am here for you; always.

may Happiness, Joy, and Peace continually pour in.
Love you loads sweetheart,
M"

I cried when I read her email. I feel extremely blessed to have her as a friend.

Feeling It

I am back! Thank you for those who have checked up on the site once in a while. It means a lot when I see that people still visit this blog even though it's been inactive for a bit. But like I said before, it was just a short break...and now I'm back!
So here is my first post-break entry:

It was a quiet night; casual conversations were thrown across the table, questions directed at everyone but it remained quiet between the two of us. He was rude, disgusting but I bit my tongue and remained silent. It was abnormal, our behaviour was not natural towards each other and only quick glances were exchanged.

The only part of the night which felt like everything was normal was when I strayed away from the girls and wandered into the fishing aisle. I was casually looking at fishing bait when I turned around and he was there. We talked like nothing ever happened, we joked, we teased. And then as quickly as it started, it ended twice as fast. Saying goodbye wasn't hard; a hug and an exchange of "merry christmas!" and that was it.

I didn't feel much.
I'm not sure how to feel about it.
I guess this is goodbye without a proper closure.

Hiatus

I think I need a break. Writing has been more upsetting than relieving and that's a huge problem. I don't want this place to become a burden so that is why I need a small break from here. I will continue to write but it'll most likely be in my Moleskine journal. Everytime I try to post something here, it's ended up either as another draft or I get so frustrated over the disorganization that I type.
When one thing that usually calms me down becomes irritatingly difficult. That's a bad sign.

So, I will be back, promise.
I just need a break from here.
I don't want to feel obligated to post; I want to continue to post here because I enjoy it.
So, goodbye for now and hopefully this break is only a very brief one.

Love,
T

I felt it flutter

and I do not plan to do a thing.

phone update

She had her surgery this morning and it went really well. She's now resting and going back tomorrow to do a checkup. It was nice to hear their voices.
It was such a relief to hear her voice.

It'll be okay.

email update

Finally heard back from them this morning; I received an email from my cousin who I assume is taking on the role as messenger.

She had an MRI done and it looks like her left jugular is so blocked that it is dripping. What a scary thought. Anyways, she's having the surgery done this morning (7am LA time) and she'll be staying in the hospital three to four hours after surgery.

I'm taking deep breaths as I patiently wait for the results and for them to come home.

home alone

They left early this morning and I never had a chance to say goodbye. I hope all goes well even though I don't even know what to expect. I'm so worried and I truly hope everything goes smoothly. An operation is an operation after all.

Everyone is calling and checking up on me to make sure I'll be okay in terms of meals and stuff but I am pushing them away. I appreciate their offer(s) but if I don't ask for help, I truly don't believe I need it. I'd rather tough it out than ask for help from family. I don't know why, I just feel so bitter. I am putting on the best tough face I've got and I've never tried so hard to do so. It's usually easy for me. I feel like I'm breaking and something is missing. Something so big, that its absence is being missed as I type this. It leaves me with some empty feeling I cannot explain. But it's there. I feel it.

I guess I've chosen to be alone and independent for so long that it's starting to get real lonely. I want a hand to hold, a body to hold under the warm sheets away from the cool winter draft. I miss the smile that would make me shiver with excitement and the voice that could lull me to sleep.
I miss many things I've never shared with someone before.

These days, I've been craving for something to happen. Something that will spark a new light within me.
I'd like another beginning.

to just feel.

Sensitive. It's what I am.

I cry during cheesy love stories and weep over other people's pain. I allow myself to feel all sorts of emotions because it's what I grew up with, it's all I ever let get close to me. I was never comfortable with people around me and objects never made me feel safe. I always held back and I never let go. I escaped reality through books and the silence which filled my mind. I grew up with so many people but I never felt like I was a part of the circle. I was on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because of this which heightened my senses to all things emotional. I take comfort in knowing that I have my emotions to keep me warm and secure. I grew through what I felt and I always felt like it was the best way to live. I never doubted my heart even though my naivety has led me through a slew of experiences.

And now,
I've let my emotions get the best of me and it's led me to feel so many things which has led to many downfalls.
No, I still believe the emotions I feel are the best things I have got. It's led me to become more open-minded and I am grateful for that. Feeling has become second nature to me; I romanticize the beauty and the tragic, I over-analyze things I shouldn't and I still believe.

I think this is a whole lot of rambling but I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I am glad I feel.
Feeling leads to experiences, ideas and creativity.
I don't regret expressing these feelings nor do I feel compelled to explain myself anymore; I have no shame in knowing that I am more sensitive than others.

update:

I'm usually a very patient woman and I can wait for an hour at the doctor's office without a word of complaint but this is really testing my patience.
It was only a simple question and it has left me waiting for what seems like twenty days (and in case you are wondering, it has only really been a day...). Everyone keeps reassuring me that he'll call or get in contact with me soon. "Just give it time" is what I keep getting but when one is trying to make a small dream of their's come true, it is VERY hard to keep still. Please trust me on that and bear with me with my paranoia . This is just really getting to me. Now, I don't want to start counting the days so I guess I shall try to turn to my hectic schedule for comfort. How ironic!

On another note, I am developing some kind of little cold where it starts with a sore throat and now, the cough is slowly creeping in. Oh, how I hate being sick! ...and due to my weak immune system, it takes me so long to actually go back to my 100% self. \

Okay, off to another topic: My T.A. in my anthropology class hinted that I could get an A for my essay. I was, of course, ecstatic because I haven't seen that letter grade in god knows how long. Thing is, anthropology isn't even my major which is a little concerning...at least I'm not doing terribly in my kine classes either. Third year is proving to be one of my better years. I can only hope that my grades don't slip when it comes to the winter term--when my schedule if the schedule from hell.

Anyways, this isn't some fancy post where I delicately play with words. It's just a plain old update because--to be honest--i am just too tired and lazy to really take any words and string them together in fear that I may butcher any sort of meaning I try to convey.

Much love,
T

okay.

I just wanted to lie back in bed; i never wanted to get out from under my blanket.
I woke up to rain today and it was beautiful with the murmuring of Christmas songs coming from my radio.
I stared out the window, hair sprawled across my pillow.
The rain reminded me of the tears i want to let go of,
But i am afraid of doing so.
I have been holding back many things these days,
And it hurts to know that the reason why i am biting down on my tongue is because i am too fearful.
I am fearful of the things that haunt my past,
The emotions which dragged me down and
Those that have wrung my trust dry.
So I turned my back away from the window.
I closed my eyes and let everything sink in.

I have not been feeling myself lately.
I just really want to remember what it was like to genuinely be alright (even if being okay is a relative thing).

a sudden rapid anxiety attack

so vulnerable, so exposed but no one notices
because i have gotten so good at hiding and pretending.
it is my strength but in the long run it will become my weakness.

i am just waiting.

nothings

She trembled, knife in hand.
Her pain fell from her eyes and marked the handwritten letter she laid upon her bare legs.
Thoughts raced through her mind as her heartbeat echoed within.
She took a deep breath, knowing who she would disappoint.
Life was full of beauty stained with pain and that was all she has ever known

It is scary to know it had gotten that bad.

(pulled from tumblr) i woke up this morning thinking yesterday was a dream

i woke up and remembered what had happened.
i was hesitant to believe that yesterday was real.
i realized it was real and then, a smile crept across my face.

it’s been a while since i woke up questioning reality because it was too good to be true..
so maybe this is the turning point.
maybe i’m letting go (but perhaps this is cheating?)
regardless, i’m back to giggling and looking back to that moment.
boy, simple pleasures really are the best!

Monday Lattes.

Your smile seems genuine, in the dim lights of the cafe.
You pull off the best casual looks and I'm envious.
You look weary yet alive.

There's this game we play but we always get caught.
Once, twice, and then cover it with a smile.
I don't get tongue tied but I burn up because there's something about it all.
It feels rather surreal; I'm unsure of what to do.
But I've learned that I need to take it as it comes and work with what I have.

You've got my smiling and it's rather nice but let's just take it slow.

narcotics and books.

One thing struck me in particular this morning and that is the idea of comfort.

Last night, we went out to a small bar nearby and we sat and drank. We stared at people passing by, overheard a few conversations and openly laid out our feelings on the table. We laughed over little things, made the best of the night with a few jokes; we were catching up with not only each other but perhaps ourselves. We fed off each others thoughts and prayed that there was an answer somewhere amidst it all.

We made our way to a small family-owned restaurant nearby and tiredly plopped ourselves down with amazing food in front of us. We let the buzz take us through the night; we talked more passionately about everything we were uncertain of. We ate, talked, laughed, felt. We were blessed with a good night.

And then, morning came.
It struck me that last night was comforting. It wasn't about dressing up and impressing anyone. It wasn't about needing to hang out with a whole group of people in order to feel popular. It was about honesty, friendships, letting loose and knowing I'm not alone. Throughout the night I felt so many things. I liked how fast my heart was beating, it felt good to express bitterness, I laughed rather loudly and it hurt. I felt moments of confusion and despair, hopelessness followed by euphoria.
And throughout all of this, I knew I was never drunk. The alcohol wasn't what made me feel five things at once. It was only heightened.

And because of last night, I knew nights like those are what I need to remember that I'm still living. That I'm very much alive and feeling. That I'm fucking living my life the way I want to. And you know, I think that's comfort.

if it was meant to be, it's meant to be...

i miss you more than i can express.
but you should know, despite the short length that we've gotten to know each other, you've changed me in a way.

i miss you right now. so much.
it hurts but things will be okay.
i only hope you wind up with someone who deserves your unconditional love.

finally able

I've been hesitant about sharing what I'm about to post because it's only been two days. I'm not sure why I feel this way nor whether it'll fade as time passes.

Lexi makes me want to cry. Her spirit reminds me so much of my own. (Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous but hear me out.) She's so quiet and is always looking for a little love. She hates being alone for too long especially at night. She whines and cries at night for company. She makes her mistakes and continues to do so. And it's because she's simply wanting good company that it tugs at my heartstrings a little too strongly.

She's a simple soul. And yet, the one thing she wants is the hardest to find sometimes. I feel her. Good company can be hard to find but I know right now, she's helping me get through my heartaches and daydreams.

Sure, it's only been two days but I know I love her already. There's really no doubt.

so in love

We brought her home yesterday morning and I quickly fell in love with this young one. Two days and she'll be two months old. She's so loving and friendly. She's hilarious and puzzling. It's a lot of work to love her but it's definitely worth it.

currently living a life of opposites.

I'm obsessed with this feeling; it overwhelms me with fear, love, loneliness, inspiration.

Something's got a hold of me.
I have given up trying to understand what this is anymore.
But it's more pronounced, it's growing stronger everyday--I can feel it.
Its weight hangs within the core, its own heartbeat beating at a steady pace.

Days of pleasant and unexpected surprises leave me longing for much more than I could possibly hold within my small hands.
But I don't really care.
Even if only for a small while, they change me and my way of thinking.
I am addicted, obsessed, in love.
So much so I just want to drop down onto my knees and cry so hard.
I cannot explain it.
Are they tears of fear? happiness?
Maybe it doesn't matter.

And yet, I feel so passionate about life,
I want to do so much.
It's overwhelming to think of all the small things I want to do in just one lifetime.
But I don't care,
I can't let every little fear hold me back anymore.
Although I'm terrified, I am making a promise to try a little harder and push myself a little further

just to get what i want.

differences

there's something about writing bright and early, when the sun is out.
its warm rays kisses your back as you fill your mind with endless thoughts.
soothing, jazz music plays as you remind yourself of lucky you are to be experiencing something so small and dear.

then you write during the night, when silence echoes in your head.
there are a million thoughts running through your head at a hundred miles per second.
you feel tired and alone, yearning for good company.
you have questions wanting to be answered and you sit there, staring.

it seems like day and night are such opposites and they provoke such different emotions.
yet, they both remind you of life and just how beautifully tragic it truly is.
not in some depressing way; it's just enough to keep you grounded and stay within this world of reality.
it's a natural balance we all need to realize.
we can't always be happy nor sad.
we need to embrace both and everything else in between.


i guess it's appropriate that my horoscope sign is Libra, the scales.

perfect

I woke up to sunshine spilling across my bed and my blanket tangled around my legs.
I woke up with thoughts of you and then I cried.

I cried because
it still hurts,
life is so beautiful,
timing works with and against us,
strangers connect with a certain part of me (even I don't understand),
and love is too powerful sometimes.

Today, I woke up knowing what it means to fall in love.

wishful thoughts

I wonder if you recognize the uncertainty and excitement in my eyes when you are around.
I know it's awfully silly of me to daydream about these things in which I'm not even sure if I truly believe.
There is this air of mystery you seem to give off; those eyes say so much more than you let slip out of your mouth.
Perhaps it's that hesitant smile you show after each quiet laugh.
I honestly don't know whether you think the same way as I do but no matter, it's just a small wish.

I don't have my hopes high up, I just like to enjoy the small moments we create.

cold waves

there are nights where emotions disagree and i feel dirty from the thoughts which stain my mind.
my clothes don't fit properly as they tug at all the wrong places,
feet are worn from running away,
eyes burn from those sleepless nights.
loneliness overwhelms me while i get pushed down with waves of sadness.

it's not a good feeling but it's familiar and familiarity is never a bad thing.
i find comfort in the strange and the strangers.
i like getting close to them but keeping them only close enough where hurt cannot be felt.
boyish smiles makes me feel at home,
hot chai lattes which burn at my fingertips are soothing.

i am different on these nights,
nights full of nostalgia and cautious love.
i feel weighed down but it's home,
these feelings are dear to me.

no one likes to feel out of place.

back to oaktrees in the spring

I'm left in this state of loneliness.
This loneliness that feeds on the arguments and loud voices in this house.

I want to go back to last night when things were like a dream.
Even the lighting depicted a movie moment where strangers meet for the first time.
The tension slowly fades as words break the air.
Smiles turn into sentences.

Stranger, let me get closer.
Can you aid in diffusing the bitterness in my mind?
Maybe we can be each other's good company and forget about the cold, piercing wind.
We'll hide under blankets of dreams and let waves of inspiration hit us as we waste time talking about the unknown.

How I wish I could go back to last night.
Oh, how I wish I could stay there forever.

tonight

tonight was an interesting night. it had its ups and downs but one thing is for sure: i feel so blessed to be surrounded by friends who love me and are always there for me.

I am so giddy from this evening's situation at the cafe.
Dinner with old friends is probably one of the best feelings one can get.
Wine is good.
Headaches are bad.

Tonight, I feel how much I've been burying but I realized, it's not answers I need. It's a way to move on. I need to learn how to forgive and forget. I am aware of just how bitter I am with relationships. I love but I don't give it out often enough. I live through fear, loss, disbelief. It's not like I asked to be like this. And I am trying to change. But it's become second nature to put up that wall. I am afraid of taking certain risks. I am afraid because I don't know how to let go.

I assure you, I am not okay but life is about trying and that is exactly what I'm doing.
I am trying to learn how to overcome my fears.

Plus, I'm rather tipsy from the red wine I've been drinking tonight so if nothing I said makes sense...that's too bad.

thursday's evening news

brought to you by: trish.

My dad snapped tonight and has just walked out the door.
"Trish, do whatever you like, I'm done. I don't want to be here anymore. If I don't come home tonight, take care of them."

Alright kids. Today's lesson is: expect anything to happen.


JUSTWHATTHEFUCKHAPPENED.

to sir, with love.

I'm going to take the absence as closure.
I'll take it and walk away.

I'm done. Perhaps you are too.

perfectly imperfect.

i dislike it when 'you' look down on my goals.
please stop underestimating me and trying to plan out my life.
just because of my situation at home doesn't mean i have to be stuck there.
i usually could care less but this is getting ridiculous.
'you' don't even know me; 'you' don't have the right to judge and criticize the way 'you' do.

this probably sounds very unfair and i know you mean well but stop.
my goals are for me and no one else.

it's okay to feel.

i'm not going to put on a brave face and say that it's easy to live with a depressed father and an ill mother. actually, i don't think i've ever said that in the first place. point is, sometimes it's harder on some days than others. there is my life, then there is their lives. You can't separate two worlds living under one roof. their bad days drag me down sometimes. then there are days when life seems so "normal" and we're all on the same page. in other words, i never know how each day will end up because anything can make or break my day.

case in point: life isn't easy but that's okay. things will keep changing and that's the thrilling part about life right?

bleh.

i move in water, shore to shore

there will be a period of days where i'll believe everything will be okay. and everything will fall into place if i just leave it alone. but it's so brief: it's momentary bliss.

there's always something that pulls me back to reality.
whether it's a song or some place I walk by. perhaps it's a certain time of the day. whatever it is, it wakes me up from a state of optimism. but it doesn't drop me into a full state of depression nor does it make me any less optimistic. it just adds a dose of realism; I willingly accept the idea that things can go wrong but i'm willing to fix it, to endure it all. afterall, i'm are only human.

after enduring certain hardships, i realize that i can still be content with my dreams and my fears. they can coincide and it won't end up in a bloody battle. sometimes, i let my fears get a hold of me and i fall deep into this sadness. it pulsates with my heart, breathing in my thoughts. but then i find it slowly fades as i leave it be. i embrace it and love it. and i feel its rough hands slipping off my skin. that's when i know i made it through another boisterous wave.

these lessons are ones i continue to learn and grow from. these lessons are experiences i continue to live through. i know it won't end yet. i'm not ready. i'll continue to make more mistakes and live life recklessly. and at the end of the day, i know i'll come back to the same beginning. but there will always be different endings.

the actor.

Tell me who the writer of your script is. You follow it so well it seems.
The words I read seem so fake, so rehearsed. You're reaching out but you're too far away.
The distance is destroying the image of you in my head.
My disappointment in you leaves me feeling nauseous, weak, alone.
You've hurt me in ways I doubt you would even know.
But you're back.
And I'm trying so hard to move on.

I'm sorry. I just don't want to continue these games.

so this is where we stand

Ever since Thanksgiving past, I made up my mind to let go and continue to move on without you. I thought it was going to be terribly difficult but after two days I thought I was pretty much over you. Or so I thought.

It wasn't a week later did I begin to tear up at the thought of your voice in my head; how much i missed our long embraces. I had good days, and the bad which ultimately overwhelmed me and emotionally drained my energy. But after crying for the last time, I felt that I was genuinely getting over you. Or so I thought.

I checked my phone when I got home (like any other day).
That's when I saw your name on the screen.
You had texted me.
I haven't heard from you since Thanksgiving day.

Why are you back?

life works in this unexplainable way

I cried.
I cried so hard last night because I suddenly missed you.

I am forgetting what it's like to have your fingers run along my arm. I'm forgetting how the warmth of your breath felt against my cheek. I can barely make out the sound of your voice anymore. You're leaving me. Every thought, every memory of you is leaving my body, my mind. So I am starting to realize how much you meant to me and how much emotion I invested into our relationship. You were around long enough to watch me trust again but you left too early. But I promise you this: I will move on with or without you.

I am starting to dislike the posts I am writing. They are all about you; about how much I miss you, how much I cry for you, how much I am disappointed in you. But I promise, my future posts will be less about you and more about me.

This I promise you.

it's official!

introducing the newest addition to my family...

from my tumblr:

i need to stop thinking so much. i cannot differentiate between the beginning and the end. i don’t know what is good for me and what is bad. just feeling alone is mentally draining nowadays. i strive to stay organized and stay on top of things but in the end, i feel so lost and disorganized. each day is planned out to the max but my future seems impossibly cluttered. i am terrified of the years to come yet so willing to throw myself out there, in the unknown. i want to escape from the present, run head first into the future. each day seems painfully long but each year slips through the cracks of my fingers like sand. i keep feeling; the emotions that run through me are so strong. sometimes i hardly know what to do with it all. i need to stop thinking so much.

sitting on my bed,
staring into the reflection,
and all i see if me.

i once felt like a princess in your arms:

even if it was just for a little while, it was enough.

+

There isn't much to say these days. I'm just holding on, looking up and embracing the fall weather.

october 15th, 2010

memento mori: remember your mortality.

Do you have one?

There's that one friend who you thought was rather annoying and immature when you first met. But you two grew apart and somehow reconnected. And then you realized you both changed so much and there are endless conversations that flow between the two of you. You two don't talk often but every so often you start again and the conversations only get better. There's this very strong bond between the two of you. You're confident this friendship will last for so long.

There's always that one friend; they are a real blessing to have.
Thank you Kevin.

i taste your name in my mouth

There was a time when I understood the rhythm of your heart. When I put my ear against your chest, I heard your honest thoughts whisper to me. It was slow, comforting.

But reading the words on the small screen of my phone spoiled your innocence.
Waves of disappointment washed over me.
You had me believe and for once, I trusted myself.
Your trustworthiness has burned and left ashes on my hands. They stain the clothes I wear and now I cannot get rid of you.
You've become another reminder of why it's better to keep to myself.
Build a better wall to surround myself; I find hugging my knees the only comfort.

Your excuse is so hard to accept when the timing of it all doesn't add up.
I'm tired of the disappoint that comes with the mention of your name.
I'm exhausted from making up excuses for you.
There are no more excuses to use.
Your actions tell me nothing more than what I know.

I always knew change was difficult and hard to adjust to.
I just didn't know how difficult until now.

a fairytale: prince charming to ugly toad

I want this to be the last time I cry over him.

I thought that there would be a good chance things would work out. I had high hopes and perhaps that was wrong to begin with. I just did not see us ending the way it is now. He had proved me wrong while we were together; he showed me putting a little trust in him did not hurt, sharing thoughts would not throw him off. Most importantly, coming out from hiding was a good thing. Except that was the summer and we've moved into a new season. Now, I don't know who he is. I don't hear from him unless I make the effort to text him. I never hear from him first. He comforted me by whispering sweet hopes into my ear and now, I can see they were sweet nothings. Perhaps everything he said was the truth back then, but they've turned into lies. I don't doubt that he meant what he said in that moment he said it. But of course, change occurs. It's inevitable. Was I naive or stupid for believing in him?

And tonight, I am finding myself waiting by the phone. He agreed to see each other this weekend. I don't know what happened. I could text him again to arrange everything but how many chances can one get? How many times is too many? In a way, this is a post to help say goodbye. It's my way to receive closure just for myself--no one else.

Closure is all I want. I just wish I got it differently.

Jazz, a cup of tea and a good novel to cozy up with. Sometimes, it's all that's needed.

As of lately, I've been feeling drained but I suppose that's what happens when I throw myself into school work. You ever find yourself spending the days rushing and making yourself so busy? Then find yourself slowing down because you just cannot possibly find the energy to keep going? It's exactly where I am right now. But spending the afternoon with a few simple pleasures and I'm feeling re-energized already.

Please do yourself a favour and take a break sometimes (:

+

I believe that one day, I'll be brave enough to pick up my camera and shoot the one idea I've always had since the day she was diagnosed.

Just, one day.

early morning

It seems so much easier to say that I had fooled myself into thinking that I had liked him. In the past, I had confused liking someone for the love of attention. As I sit here with a steaming cup of tea, I know it was so much more than that. We had both found a companion in each other. I remember that night when we aimlessly walked along Yonge. It was a true moment of appreciation where the silence that we created together was something beautiful. You made me realize good company is what we all want and it's hard to come by. It's easy to meet people. It's even easier to show them your fun side and drink and be merry. But what makes good company truly good is that they will appreciate the absence of conversation. They will enjoy those moments of silence and be comfortable with it.

You tire me.

we hear but no one listens.

So this is my secret I've been keeping for four years. It is so hard to hide it when it affects me so much. It comes and goes as it pleases. I'm terrified of what people might think of me if they knew. If I could be open and openly allow my emotions to just pour from the heart, I would. But you know it's impossible in such a superficial world. It's a place full of peers who judge, stereotype, discriminate. We hide ugly truths and present ourselves to the world in a beautifully wrapped lie. That is how most are accepted in society. But why must society be so picture-perfect when we all know perfect doesn't exist?

But we try to get as close to 'perfect' as we can.

If they knew how sad I get throughout the year, will they still appreciate who I am? I have no control of when this state of depression might affect me. My emotions are not hardwired into my brain. Sure, I have my breakdowns and I want to be anti-social but it doesn't mean I will forget how to smile or crack a joke. Let's be a little kinder. Just be appreciative of the smaller things. Give people a chance. If we all tried to understand, maybe we'll get a little further in life.

I'd like to share a quote with you:

Sometimes you just need to cry and be sad. You need to break down and be torn apart. You need to learn now to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first, cause without sadness, there’s no happiness, you would never learn to smile.

--Eletheowl

it's not the end, but it sure is coming close.

You've trapped something within your ribcage.
It feeds off your emotions.
You feel it within your chest--the pain is so distinct.
Its heartbeat is felt alongside your own.

I never imagined I would feel so betrayed.

late night writing

Picture that mysterious girl hidden at the back of the cafe. Her hair is messily pulled back in a ballerina bun. She's holding a large cup of something in hands. You don't know what it is but you know it's something hot judging from the steam that steadily rises from the cup. She's wearing an oversized sweater which contrasts with her black tights. She's not paying attention to anyone who passes by. She's far too focused on the papers spread out in front of her. She taps her highlighter against the table as she reads. Once in a while, she'll bring the cap to her mouth and chew on it every so lightly. You want to approach her but you aren't sure how. She seems intelligent enough to engage in a lengthy conversation. It's the prospect of this which urges you to say something to her. Afterall, you only want good company.

She looks up. You smile and look at the empty seat across from her. Her eyes shine as she murmurs go ahead. You slide the seat back, making that awful scraping sound against the worn wooden floor. She smiles ever so slightly as you sit down. She looks at you with curiosity and it reminds you of a lost puppy. You try to hold back a smile. You clear your throat and she twirls a loose strand of hair at the nape of her neck. You try to see what she's reading but you know you can't interpret text upside down. You are a bit strange like that. So you take a small breath in and ask her.

She looks up and pauses for a moment, almost hesitant to respond. Then she slightly opens her mouth and utters the word Darwinism. You are slightly taken aback by this. She really doesn't seem like the Darwin type of woman. Fortunately, you still remember that course you took two years ago about evolution. So you start bullshitting and throw in a few key words in there like 'natural selection' and 'adaptation'. She bites her lower lip ans you finish your sentence. There's that moment of silence and she's looking straight at you. Then suddenly, she lets out a small giggle. You are horrified, thinking that you said something idiotic. But she quickly apologizes and admits that she doesn't know too much about Darwin; that the only reason why she's reading up on him is because she's taking an anthropology class, nothing more than that. You let out a small sigh of relief. She begins to open up but you notice she speaks with a low whisper. You lean in to hear her better and that's when you notice the odd number of ear piercings. Four in one, one in the other. You find the asymmetry comforting. And from nowhere, you hear Sinatra's voice bellowing from the speakers. You begin to tap your foot to the beat and you find yourself explaining your love for him. She gives you a big smiles as she tells you that she is quite fond of him too. You are delighted.

Time flies by when you are enjoying yourself but you remember you need to meet a friend. You excuse yourself and politely shake her hand. You slowly walk out and hand extra money to the cashier, secretly paying for her drink. Pleased with the outcome of your encounter with the stranger, you walk out into the cold.

It wasn't until much later that you realize she never gave you her name.

release.

There was a time when I thought to myself, I'm so close to having what I've always dreamt of. And I really was. We had it made this summer but if I had known that college would change our relationship so drastically, I would have stayed far away from you. I had no idea moving away would cause you to be so distant and cold. You rarely keep in touch anymore. You did in the beginning but I don't know what you're thinking anymore. If I had only known...

You should have never kissed me. I shouldn't have allowed for your arms to rest so comfortably around my waist. I wish that night had never happened. Each day is is another reminder of the past and I absolutely hate it. This is another story with no ending. I am so tired of this same situation happening over and over again. This reoccurring pattern has me wondering if it's a personal problem that has me eventually driving every single one of them away.

It's not knowing. The fear in the unknown has me running from you.

first encounters

There were words I wanted you to hear but I never got the chance to whisper them to you.
You were so cold and foreign, marking those summer memories.

On the porch, you murmured words that didn't speak to my heart. They were old, tiresome thoughts that meant nothing. To be honest, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to clarify where we stood in each others lives. I do not want to feel like that old book on reserve.

Someone like you is hard to come by. I know that. But you make it hard for me to continue to wait.

You can say that I am being childish. Perhaps I am.
I just wished for words of reassurance; I wanted you to give me reasons to continue this. I needed them and I have been hoping to hear them from your own mouth. But it never happened.

When there are no more moves to be made is what I was told when I asked when it is appropriate to let go. I didn't understand at first. But I thought long and hard about this and I think I get it. I look back at the past few weeks and I asked myself whether I've done things to try to keep in touch. I would text him randomly once in a while, I would stay online in hopes that he might be online as well. I would sneak onto Skype just to see if he might be on but majority of the time, I would sign out in disappointment. Like I said earlier, I know he's a good guy but we all have faults and it's up to us to accept them and appreciate them. But his faults are pushing me further away. So much so that when he walked through my front door last night, I didn't recognize him.

I am getting tired of making excuses and only looking back on our summer together. I'm growing weary of pretending like this is fine--like I am fine. Summer romances are wonderfully magical but only until the chills of fall slowly cover the warmth of love.

I do not know where this is going to go.
I am not giving up on this.
I just am scared to let go.
But this feeling of needing to let go is growing stronger.
For my own sake.

Interesting...

Libra - September 20, 2010

Someone you've never met before who you find exceedingly attractive could pass you today. You might decide to go say hello and discover not only a physical attraction but an intellectual compatibility as well. Your feelings are probably reciprocated! If you're single, this attraction might be worth pursuing. If you're involved, at least you might make a new friend.

You may say that I'm silly for posting my horoscope for today. I don't take them all too seriously but astrology is a curious thing. Don't you think?

Falling and falling, continuously.

It's that strange closeness I get with a specific emotion. It's incredible how at home I feel when it enters my life again. As I get back into my routine, I can feel the old erase the new. It's not bad.

I am determined, studious, polite and whimsical.
I listen with growing patience.
I'm thinking so much everyday that I am mentally exhausted every night.
(I love it.)

I am okay with this sadness. It's almost soothing.
Somehow, it romanticizes the environment, every situation, every waking moment.
I have grown to embrace the one emotion I am most comfortable with.
I can walk side by side with it and know that it will always understand my every thought.

At this point, I do not know how much sense I am making to the average young adult. I do apologize if this post has left you with burning questions or has left you lost beyond belief. It was not my intention. I just cannot begin to describe exactly how I feel. I am only providing tidbits of who I am becoming.

I do hope you understand.

Pain can only take you so far.

It has been a day and a week since you have moved away (though it seems so much longer). We've exchanged short, quick text messages and one online conversation.

Nothing makes me feel more lonely than those insomniac nights.
They remind me so much of our summer together.
Although I miss you at times, I'm learning how to like you from a distance.
It's getting easier as each day goes by.
Your absence, replaced with memories, cheer me up.
It's the small things which continue to remind me of what we have (and had).

I know you're having a great time in London and I am so proud of you.
The fuzzy prospect of our relationship used to frustrate me but I'm starting to learn how to cope with it. I think I'm learning the concept of how to love someone from afar.

I can only be grateful for this new learning experience.

Our last goodbyes.

Through the drunken state that we were in, we finally shared that moment together.

It doesn't feel like you have left.
But I do miss you and I think about you often.

I can only hope that what we have now will last for a little bit longer.
The uncertainty is painful but I think we are both strong enough to endure the distance and time apart.

I have no words to describe how much of an impact he has made on my summer.

eight days

The closer we seem to get, the more I seem to miss you.
You haven't even left yet and I find myself missing you.

I've written pages and pages on these last couple of weeks.
It's amazing how it took us a year to get to where we are.
I will never forget this summer.
You restored my hope in relationships.

I am reminded of how much I like you everytime we have to part from another event.
I like holding hands in public but I also like the way we hug in private.
Last night, you told me how you think of me every night and how you want me.
Life is rather funny that way.
It makes you feel so selfish and greedy because there are certain things you want so badly but you may never have.

I adore the way you put your arms around my neck so that I can wrap my arms around your waist.
I love the way you will run your fingers through my hair.
I love how you kiss my forehead.

I love so many things about you.
It makes me so certain that this is more than just a silly crush.

When you've got a good thing:

It touched my heart deeply when I found out that he had texted her to let her know his concern for me.
But knowing that he's done that is bittersweet.

Texts at night are new.
Telling me he is in bed and sleepy is--again--adorable.

He's the closest I've ever met to perfect.

(I apologize for the recent sappy posts. They are memories in the making which I may not be able to forget.)

Morning kisses

Back from the cottage.

His kisses were soft and gentle; clean and dry.
His hands roamed in all the right places, leaving a tingling sensation across my skin.

So different from the last.
The sexual tension between us was strong and even more passionate.
We were slow, trying to remember every curve.
In that moment, I knew I liked him.

We were shy, lying side by side.
taking each minute to fight off the attraction.
But he tested the waters a few times and I gave him all the right answers.
That was how it began.

It was in that moment I remembered that he was leaving.
Suddenly, I knew it was wrong.
We couldn't--and didn't--continue.

Being sensible was difficult.
But he agreed; it would be unfair for both of us.

The night was stretched out in silence.

Morning arrived with gray clouds.
I didn't realize how happy I would be to wake up with him beside me.

He breathed out heavily and once in a while, his fingers twitched.
It was undeniably cute.
Regret washed over me as I watched him sleep soundly next to me.
I like him too much to start anything.

He put his arms around me.
HIs fingers played a symphony along my spine.
We didn't say a word to each other as we laid there in bed.

And then there was that movie moment.
He rolled over me and kissed me ever so gently.
Pause.
Lifted my head up and held my head in his hands.

Never mind the morning breath because in that moment, he made me feel so loved.
No matter what I look like, he'll like me for who I am: that's how I felt during that morning kiss.

I rolled onto my back and he rested his chin on my stomach.
He stared right into my eyes.
He reminded me of a dog (and I'm a sucker for dogs).

Nothing's awkward but there are burning questions.
Since the beginning of the summer, the primary question from many has been whether I like him still and I think I have my answer.

I despise unhappy endings so much.

consistency

You cease to amaze me. Honest.

Those piercing blue eyes once seemed so inviting but now I sense coldness.
Your stares and faded touch send shivers down my spine.
Your cruelty is what keeps me going.
I hope I never end up like you.

I have to applaud you though, for being so darn good at being so bad.
You've got looks that could kill but what's going to kill you is your lack of compassion.
Your lack of a heart.

I hope you thank God for your good looks because love, that's all you've got good going for you right now.
(As far as I can see.)

Cruelty iced with generosity.

Time and time again, I feel sad about the fall out. Saying 'it's okay' can only fool myself for so long. If the possibility of being caught in the middle is true, how does one choose? I just want the truth.

+

Sometimes, I love being a busy bee. I love knowing that it's hard to contact me purely because I feel as though I need to live my life at a faster pace than everyone else.

Oh, how cruel.

Introductions and first impressions.

I find it so hard to meet people. The things I've been hiding from most people affect me so much and it's such a huge part of my life. It's become a part of who I am and when I don't talk about my situation at home I feel like I'm not being completely honest with them. In that case, they don't know who I am.

Defeats the purpose of meeting anyone.
Can you see the problem?

When their lives are intertwined with your emotions

They run so deep and affect every single day of your life where you cannot be at a constant.

Like ghosts.

Funny how things can die down so quickly and suddenly.

One minute, I am swamped with the complexity of human relations with several people and the next minute they all decide to disappear. Why can't I stay friends with guys? I don't know if it's the way I subconsciously lead them into thinking I'm interested then suddenly display a disinterest in them. I cannot help that I love the thrill of a chase more than the actual relationship right now. I admit that I am a completely selfish tease.

There's a lot more I want to say in this post but I cannot find the proper words to describe the way I interact with the male population. I can only say that it is not the healthiest.

Just know that I am trying to change.

++

sun kissed skin
yellow leaves that dance
"good morning"
yes, i think it will be alright
after all

I continue to remember that every morning I wake up to is another reason to celebrate life. Everytime I feel like I'm slipping, I try very hard to look at life in it's most simplest form. When I break down life from its complex form, I sense a load of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe that is the secret to life; you've got to let go of things that disrupt that harmonic balance and let things flow as they should. Never try to stop a natural event from happening, never block emotions you don't want to feel.

Let yourself feel.

+

I wake up and keep my eyes closed. I desperately try to fall back asleep but my heart doesn't feel right. It's fluttering and rests lightly within me. My pulse beats strongly--it's a liar. I breathe in deep to steady my heart.

I roll to my side and stare at my bare legs sticking out form under the covers. They look dark and smooth as I admire them from afar. They patiently wait for someone to love them and accept them as a part of me.

I roll onto my other side now. Faith Hill plays in one ear as rain hits the window pane. What a strange feeling, to wake up to the sound of rain. It makes me feel sad but in a romantic way. Does that make sense? Let me test that out: I am romantically sad. Well, it may not make perfect sense but you can imagine the sadness one portrays in a movie and transfer their emotion here. It's close enough.

My arm is numb from resting my head on it. I don't move it in hopes that the hurt from my heart will somehow transfer to my arm. There's some psychological term for it. Wait. Isn't that to describe some psychological disorder? Never mind then.

I turn onto my back now. I look up and see the paper cranes I hung about half a year ago. They are so still, they look frozen in time. They come to life as I start to blow at them. They are so graceful as they spin around.

Suddenly, they are frozen in time once again.

Think of this as a joke, alright?

Dressed in your loose t-shirt, you sit by the fountain watching grandparents admire their grandsons and granddaughters. Everything seems so perfect and you've never felt so comfortable in your own skin. You've got the sun-kissed glow girls die to have and you wish there was someone here beside you to admire it. It's not a feeling you always get but on such beautiful days like today, you want to share this minute moment of bliss.

Then you notice the man sitting no further than three feet behind you. He's dressed casually, sunglasses on and one of the most gorgeous scruffs a woman could ask for on her man. As you write this, you wonder if he notices you. And as you let your imagination run wild, dreaming of the movie-like scenario where he randomly mans up and starts up a conversation, you smile to yourself. You start laughing at how silly you're become.

You momentarily stop writing for a bit and look up at the coffee cup in front of you. Then you start panicking because you realize you most likely have coffee breath which is quite unattractive. You then start praying no one--especially the man behind you--will start a conversation with you. I mean, coffee breath is just a real turn-off.

Alright, so now he's sitting in front of you. God really isn't paying attention to any of your thoughts. And of course, he's now less than two feet away.

Right, and of course you are looking at a married man.

[]

Sometimes, I forget who I am in this world. I become so out of touch with reality it is rather strange to snap back into it. I let my thoughts consume me as I try to understand the different emotions I'm always feeling. I probably sound half insane by this point. I am aware of that.

+

[caption id="attachment_125" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="It\'s always easy to put on a smile. It\'s even easier to erase it."][/caption]

I'm putting on my boots and my jacket. I'm walking out the door.

+

My life will be better without you by my side on my mind.

leaps and bounds.

Reconnecting with an old, lost friend does wonders sometimes. In this case, it opened my eyes to a whole different perspective. I am now aware of the feelings we still have towards each other. He still cares deeply for my safety and we both have the utmost respect for each other. I am only afraid things may spiral out of control as we continue to hang out more often.

Trying to mend things with an old friend who disappointed me in the past gives me a whole other feeling. He makes me feel old and lonely. I try so hard to fight my feelings for him so that I only see him as an acquaintance. Whether this is the right thing to do or not, I don't know anymore. So many times, I thought I was doing the right thing but it backfires and leaves me wishing for a second chance. But how many second chances does a person get? I believe we both need to start fresh and try it out. I know that at one point, there was something there. It's lost now and I don't want to go back looking for something that can never be found. But I know we can start fresh and perhaps we can both get the second chance we both need.

Scene one:

8:30pm and it's raining lightly as they walk home together. They talk and laugh at the past and as they continue to walk, it begins to rain harder. He offers her his sweater and she first denies him of it. He insists and she gives in (she sensed his genuine concern for her). She slips into the sweater as he carries her umbrella. It hangs on her but she doesn't mind. They continue to walk; her in his sweater and him carrying her umbrella. Once in a while, there would be silence as she looks up at the night sky looking for stars (she doesn't see any).

They are at the station now where they will head in different directions.

She gently tugs off his sweater and hands it to him as he hands over her umbrella. They smile as she decides whether a hug would cross any uncomfortable boundary. Without so much of a hesitation, he opens his arms out, gesturing for a hug and she goes in for it.

They hug like they are close friends.

Here's a story about Jim and Leoneil.

It's been a while since I've taught adaptive aquatics. That's why, when I had to teach two brothers who were both autistic, I was a bit concerned. I wasn't afraid of them; I was scared that the challenge would be too great. The last time I taught an autistic child was a year ago. I knew I should have went in with more confidence because in the end I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Jim was probably around 10 years old. He was mute. He brought two figurines which he loved to chase. He was very excited to be in the water but he would not touch me at all. It took a lot of eye contact and simple phrases to help us get along. In the end, he was very attached to me, trying to climb onto me and not letting go. Jim is a very intelligent boy who is fun and loving. He even tried to kiss me on the cheek at one point. I felt as though I had made a new friend. He taught me that patience is key.

Leoneil was probably around 7 years old. He didn't know how to speak but he would grunt when he's displeased and he would create high-pitched noises when he was excited. Unlike his brother, he was not enthusiastic to get into the water. When he got in, he hung onto me very tightly. He would place his feet onto my legs, making me squat as I tried to control his temper. At last, he began to get used to the environment. He still hung onto me but he began to kick a bit with his feet. During the half hour session, he didn't let go of me once but he was happy. I was rewarded with a big, bright smile everytime he splashed with his hands or tried to blow bubbles. He was adorable. Admittedly, it hurt when he began to get nervous and dug his fingers into my arms or sometimes he would unknowingly pull at my hair. Leoneil is such an innocent child and--just like Jim--very loving.

Today, I'm looking back at my experience with them and although my thighs are sore from Leoneil's weight, and rather tired from putting every ounce of concentration I had into them, I couldn't be happier. I'm happy that I get such a rare opportunity to work with such beautiful children. It's a shame so many people are afraid to ask questions, to try and get to know them. I just know I would do it again and again and again for the rest of my life.

Jim and Leoneil, thank you for such an amazing experience.

+

This morning I realized that I am ready to step away from you. It still hurts sometimes to know that I was tricked into thinking you liked me but as they say, "life goes on". I am starting to understand that I can no longer take this too personally. I used to question what went wrong and who's fault it was but the truth is, I've gone through it enough times to know that I can't always put the blame on one person. In this case, it was probably a case (haha, a "case") of misunderstanding.

The time I have taken to think things through, I've begun to do something I haven't done in a very long time. That is, I am beginning to appreciate myself. I lost a lot of self esteem and self respect along the way and now, I am starting to love me for me. I am learning to accept the way I look, the way I am. I guess you could say I am starting to fall in love with myself all over again--with myself and with life.

It's about time to just let go of the individuals who have hurt me in the past and move forward. I will never forget them because they helped shape me so in a way I should thank them. I can't quite describe how I've been feeling lately. I've just been feeling older, more mature and yet, there is something growing within me.

It's just so weird.

Love yourself.

Life is beautiful when I'm alone.

I pretend that my life is a silent film with the radio playing out my summer soundtrack.
I like to dress up like I'm about to meet the special man in my life.
My toes are dirty from tiptoeing outside and dancing around like a ballerina.
The sun loves me as it provides me with summer warmth; it spreads across my skin and gives me those comfortable goosebumps.

I wish I was alone more often.
I wish I was in love.

babbles.

Faint sunlight seeped through the window (it slowly awakened my sense).
It was a morning of new beginnings and yesterday's worries.

I woke up to my own reflection.

I've been waking up late, waking up blank.
I don't feel not-right. Just different.
Not happy, not sad and nowhere in between.
I love my life but I'm yearning for more.
While I know what I want in life, I am confused by certain emotions.

I wish I was brave enough to love with every bone in my body.

I have secrets I want to tell (but I'd be betraying myself).
They're small ones that hide in the small crevices of your brain.
Sometimes you forget they are there.
Some days they are restless and come out in search for something to scratch on.
I am itching.

I love but it's disguised as hate.
Most don't understand.

I want to keep a sunny disposition.

I cannot make small talk with him.
My heart is too heavy for casual conversations.
I think that is the problem.
I've been biting my tongue for so long (there's no blood).

Going against all odds.

I told myself over and over to resist yet, I gave in.
I wanted answers badly because the summer is here and I needed to move on.
So I went for it.

Turns out...sometimes it's best to follow your heart and go after what you want in life.

This is definitely a note to self.

Ambulatory EEG

It doesn't hurt or anything (it only hurt a bit when she put them on). It's rather annoying though and quite itchy.

heartache

It's like creasing the front cover of a new book. It's like losing a childhood toy, shrinking your favourite shirt. It's like the colour purple, tears personified and old photographs being burned. It smells like rustic iron gates, french vanilla on a humid afternoon. Similar to the rapid succession of waves hitting the shore, it hits your heart. It's the unexpected taste of a magnificently presented dish.

It hurts.

Not the type of man to.

You gave me a dose of self-esteem I didn't think I could have. You made me feel a little more.
I allowed myself to take another risk because I didn't think you were the type of man to pull a disappearing act.

I was so wrong.
As soon as I tried to take one step closer, you ran a mile.
He made me feel like I was the one who did something wrong.
You're doing the exact thing.

I detest the guts of a coward.
I may not always allow myself to feel but at least I have the courage to admit it and face the fact.
You're gorgeous and I fell for every line and every touch.
But now I see through you and I'm truly disappointed.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next but I hope you find whatever you're looking for.
I'm slowly getting up on my own two feet so I can do the same.

I guess it's good luck to the both of us.

the mean blues

Am I suppose to wait for him? There are so many things I never told him yet.

I miss you so much. Things were quickly gaining speed ... except maybe it was too fast, too sudden.
Make me remember what was there.
Help me save whatever is left.

I am sorry for pushing myself on you (if that is how you felt). But I don't regret it.
Maybe this is the answer I am looking for.
I obviously like you.
And you are unsure of yourself.

For once, I see a part of me inside of you.
That's unfortunate.

I miss you.

I've became like the ocean these days. I'm unpredictable with waves of anger. Periods of calm waters keep me sane. I'll crash and hit the shore. I try to keep everyone afloat. I am the ring buoy, the life preserver (trying to get everyone to hang on as we continue to aimlessly drift along).

circular

Seems like it is more a goodbye kiss then anything. The way you let me feel the texture of your lips, the slight smile and the sadness between us. Please don't lie to me anymore, just let me know.


So I guess really am untouchable.

Memento Mori

Remember you must die.

Cogito ergo sum

I think, therefore I am.

Like it was just another one.

Do actions count when alcohol is involved?

You seemed to care, you asked questions. You left your hands lingering in familiar spots and new, surprising ones. You kissed the top of my head more times then I can count.

I was carried away with the night and kissed you.

It wasn't our first kiss. It was small, quick, all too familiar. Yet it was the first kiss we shared, as friends. No quickening of the heart, no butterflies. The kiss is nothing compared to the hugs.

I've got answers but I've got more questions than I bargained for.

a few small items.

Today I felt beautiful; I liked the way my shirt wrapped closely around my body and the way my tattered old jeans made me look young and refreshing. The sun shone and warmed my skin, making it glow a small golden glow. Novel in hand and tea by my side, I felt good.

But despite how great everything was, something was missing.
I wish I had an explanation.

I wish I had reasons to believe.
(Alright, so I still want reasons to believe.)

this really made me sit and stare.

I lost it.

I threw up four years of pent-up emotions at you. I hope you tasted every sourness and every bitterness.

I made you cry and I am so glad because this is the wake up call I've been wanting to give you.

I am sorry that it had to be like that.


We are all forgiven.

Fears

No, it wasn't another cheesy movie. It was heartfelt, it was beautiful and most of all, it made me realize my worst fears.

I am afraid of watching you wither away.
I am afraid of never taking chances.
I am afraid of not living my life.
I am afraid.

This one hit the spot, hard.

Guilt has sharp teeth

Sorry has no meaning anymore. I've said it so many times I've worn it out.

I've turned so cold and heartless that I'm scared. But it just hurts so much I can't bear to hear what has happened because the things I see are perfect reminders of reality. I hate hearing how you fell and how you lost control of your bladder for the third time today. I hear it but I don't cry. I try so hard to put on a brave face. I look like I don't even care.

My heart is cold, my veins are rubber.

I pretend that we're one whole family; I try so hard to make it seem like all this is easy. And on some days, it is easier to digest this truth but then there are days where all this is a nightmare I may never escape. And a part of me knows that the latter is the reality I know I will have to live with. I cannot time travel and escape it, I cannot switch lives with a fortunate individual.

I wish they knew how much I try to hold myself together.

But then again, maybe I don't.

Oh, you drive me crazy.

Each day I continue to envision your smile. I'm anxiously waiting for the day when our small pile of rainchecks will disappear. I have never felt this impatient yet, I like the anticipation because just thinking about what we had (have?) puts a small smile on my face.

Listen

A novel which evoked strange emotions

Tonight I finished Picoult's Songs of the Humpback Whale. The first novel of the summer.

I have a heavy heart tonight; love has never been such a foreign subject. I'm lost at words for what it's supposed to be or mean. I read that you can fall in love many times but each time you do is for a different reason. It's such a fascinating yet frightening thought. I wonder if I have been close to feeling love. I feel uneasy, like I lost a part of myself after reading the novel.

I'm so curious. I want to feel the strong power love is capable of having on you. I contemplate what I feel for with Cassius. What is it? A crush? Then why does it feel different from the other feelings I've had for guys? When does like becomes love? Where is that line that differentiates between the two?

Questions spill and I don't have one answer.

you've got me

I said I enjoy even our most casual embraces but I can't say that anymore. There are no more casual embraces.

I've noticed they've become more affectionate, a little longer: more personal. Shyness isn't a problem anymore and today proved that. Comfort has grown in its place and it continues to grow stronger as we talk. I love it when you smile (I'm sure I've said that before). We lean against the wall as you put your arm around me, making me fit a little better against you. I know everyone can see but I don't care anymore. I think about how rare these moments are between us and I'm okay.

You let out a small laugh as you open the card. I smile in embarrassment. You say you love homemade cards and I tell him I do too. I'm not sure when the butterflies disappeared but when I opened my mouth, they didn't tickle the back of my throat. Now, I can speak without stuttering.

We hugged goodbye.
Your fingers gently brushed the back of my neck and I held on a little tighter.

forgiven.

For almost a year now, I was not sure if I had fully forgiven you--until today. It feels so good to finally have a clear answer and know that I can talk to you. I don't think this fully changes our relationship right now. It sounds like you're going through hard times right now and I can only hope that you can make it through. I did my job as a friend to make it clear to you that I'm hear if you need to talk. I'll be here to listen; I was always here to listen.

The thing is, I thought you did not realize what you had done previously--until today. "Sorry for disappearing Trish." I never admitted this, but you hurt me when you left me. It hurt so much because we had something going on. Then you left. And it wasn't until after you left I started learning about you. I learned about your personal life. The life you were trying to hide from me. I was angry at you for not telling me the truth. I was angry at myself for letting myself fall so easily. But now, I thank you. I learned a lot from you, from us.

Today, I let it all go through one sentence and I feel relieved. It doesn't sound like you are doing very well. But I don't know much about you in the first place. I can only forgive you because you are human just like everyone else. We all make mistakes; I only judge people based on how they handle their mistakes. It looks like karma made a visit. And I'm sorry you are going through the pain. Ironically, I am the one who is saying sorry to you.

We may never talk again. That's your choice because I already made it clear I'll always be here as a friend. You listened to me once upon a time and I'm willing to return the favour. All I can say is good luck and please take care.

Thursday morning

I guess they don't realize how much their words hurt. To hear them come out of their mouths is a bit frightening. I can't understand their logic.

I do not have time for this. Let me concentrate on my studies.

I am dreading this ambulatory EEG.

you and i

I listen to a slow song and it reminds me of you.  I reminisce of all the moments we shared together.  They were never long enough, but always strong.  For the past week, I've been trying to understand why you have this effect on me.  I can close my eyes and remember the exact colour of your eyes. It's the blue you see when you look up on a clear sunny day; there's such a subtle sparkle to them when you smile.  Your hands look rough but then you stroked the back of my neck and I knew how gentle you were.

You don't smile as much as you should. That's what you told me. You told me you were working on it and I still believe you.




I'm still hanging on.

i can finally say:

happy birthday C. I hope you have an amazing 21st.

[caption id="attachment_49" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I already have a tan from yesterday's run."][/caption]

one hour run and today, I am very sore.

monday morning

I woke up to a quiet and dim morning. I tiptoed downstairs even though there was no one to wake up—it’s just a habit from my past. I turned on the radio, tuned into some jazz station and pulled up a chair to the window. I sat with my knees to my chin, coffee cup in hand and watched the sun make its daily appearance. I heard the birds chirping through the thin glass, the strong aroma of caffeine awoke my senses.

Suddenly, everything was alive.

"past loves they never got really far,
walls of pictures i've got in my heart
and i promise i wouldn't do this
till i knew it was right for me"

picnic

Today I went on a picnic with my friends in High Park. It was one of those lazy saturday afternoons and I have never felt so relaxed in a while. The sun shone on us, heating the top of our dark heads. We ate homemade sandwiches, drank sparkling juice and celebrated a friend's birthday all in one afternoon.

I am now tired from walking around the park, climbing a tree and getting marked by the branches of the plants which grew so magnificently in the park.

I am falling more and more in love with nature.

march 29th, 2010

was the day I found out a small known fact about myself.

I have neuronal migration disorder.

i think i've discovered what a sad hug is

He held me so tight and I felt so small against his strong frame. I felt myself sink into him as I closed my eyes. For a minute I let him hold me; I turned my head ever-so slightly and my lips almost brushed his cheek.

I would do anything to relive that moment,
It was all I needed.

i have a secret

I'm still so shy around you. Doesn't that sound so silly?

Where we stand.

Today I learned that you can keep your word.

You wrapped your arm around my waist and pulled me in, but I barely felt your touch. I was stunned. I wished you had laid your head a little bit longer on my body. The slight weight on my chest felt so right: we breathed together.

I want to find the words to let you know how much I feel.
(I'm selfish because I want to know how you feel about me).
I wish we could have another chance to talk, another night of laughing at our raw, honest lives.

I just want to know who you are.

It makes me squirm, fidget with my fingers.
Strands of hair fall over my eyes,
Making it the perfect excuse to use the palm of my hand to wipe the tears away as I brush my hair back.

Those words hurt a lot--hearing them from her.

note to self (and you)cherish life;

make every moment count with every person you love
don't let your life pass by without making an effort
let those troubles teach you multiple lessons
lessons in crying, tolerance and laughter.

Silence has never been louder.

Guilt and anger creates a a whirlwind of chaos,
I'm hungry for love, full of hidden tears.
The salty tears fool my body.

I'm tired of this.

it's still lingering on my lips

I took it all into my lungs,
then breathed it out,
letting the white smoke creep out of my mouth
brushing my lips.

It felt so right.

I kissed happiness on the cheek.

a bad day

I guess I'm just not having a good ending to a beautiful day.

Things are so stressful right now.
I really hate the way I've been acting towards her but I'm just so angry. I don't believe I'm angry with her per say but at the situation itself.

I hate watching her struggle.
I can't bear to hold up the weight she physically puts on me.
I just want to fall myself some days.

I want to lean on his shoulder,
I want to put my hand on his,
Know what his shirt feels like,
And keep his words locked in my heart.

I'm hurting a lot today.

For the past two weeks, my mind has been overflowing with anxiety.

I cannot sleep.

substance

All this time I've been looking for a good companion.
It's been real simple all along.

We went out for coffee tonight.
Red cheeks as words clumsily spill from my mouth.
I don't know what's to come
But it was still time we spent together--alone.

And I can't complain;

This guy has substance.

I've run out of words to describe the pain I feel when I see you like this.

Even my eyes have given up,
Tears do not help heal the wounds.

The stiff leg,
The numb hands,
The vomit,
The puddle of urine,
The shit that you can't force out,
The sighs,
The emptiness in your eyes.

I'm terribly angry because I cannot bear to soften my voice because I'm scared that if I do, the wall I've worked so hard to build will crumble in that very second I look right into your hollow eyes.

"I think I love even the most casual embraces."

my one fear

I only have one fear.
That is to never have lived a life.
Looking at my mum, I see how much she's missed out on.

Now that she is in such a debilitating condition, she won't be able to compensate.
This brings up so many emotions within me.

I don't want to end up like my mum.

Jazz Clubs

I've been getting into Jazz lately so I've been doing some surfing on the net. I've found a small list of Jazz clubs I would love to visit:
+ The Rex
+ Trane Studio
+ Gate 403
+ Reservoir Lounge
+ Dominion

Beautiful weather calls for a good run following with a pomegranate and mango scented shower.

And jazz music is a must.

The night will always be young.

In that one moment, I felt infinite.

He held me in the perfect way;
He made my shirt fit a little better
Towering,
I felt so tired in his arms.
I relaxed and let my weight fall onto his body.

Everything felt so right.

I spent the afternoon alone and it felt so nice to experience a couple hours in silence.

It's a silent movie and I'm the main character.
Being out of the house was nice for a change.
My alone time was free from interruptions,
It felt so good to keep my thoughts lingering in my head without needing to cut it short.

Oh, what a great Tuesday.

monday mornings

It was that look he gave me;
I felt the irritation and disappointment.
But was it right for me to do what he did to me that night?
He's got me wondering how great of a person I really am.
I want to keep promises and never back out of my words

He's got me so confused and tongue tied.

I don’t think I have the strength to let go yet.

The tears I cried last night meant nothing
It’s as if I Friday night never happened because I’m getting sucked into his ways.

Once again.

This first post holds a promise to myself that I will no longer restrain myself from my true feelings.

I promise I will post all things honest and real--from the heart.