Sunday, September 26, 2010

first encounters

There were words I wanted you to hear but I never got the chance to whisper them to you.
You were so cold and foreign, marking those summer memories.

On the porch, you murmured words that didn't speak to my heart. They were old, tiresome thoughts that meant nothing. To be honest, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to clarify where we stood in each others lives. I do not want to feel like that old book on reserve.

Someone like you is hard to come by. I know that. But you make it hard for me to continue to wait.

You can say that I am being childish. Perhaps I am.
I just wished for words of reassurance; I wanted you to give me reasons to continue this. I needed them and I have been hoping to hear them from your own mouth. But it never happened.

When there are no more moves to be made is what I was told when I asked when it is appropriate to let go. I didn't understand at first. But I thought long and hard about this and I think I get it. I look back at the past few weeks and I asked myself whether I've done things to try to keep in touch. I would text him randomly once in a while, I would stay online in hopes that he might be online as well. I would sneak onto Skype just to see if he might be on but majority of the time, I would sign out in disappointment. Like I said earlier, I know he's a good guy but we all have faults and it's up to us to accept them and appreciate them. But his faults are pushing me further away. So much so that when he walked through my front door last night, I didn't recognize him.

I am getting tired of making excuses and only looking back on our summer together. I'm growing weary of pretending like this is fine--like I am fine. Summer romances are wonderfully magical but only until the chills of fall slowly cover the warmth of love.

I do not know where this is going to go.
I am not giving up on this.
I just am scared to let go.
But this feeling of needing to let go is growing stronger.
For my own sake.

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