perfectly imperfect.

i dislike it when 'you' look down on my goals.
please stop underestimating me and trying to plan out my life.
just because of my situation at home doesn't mean i have to be stuck there.
i usually could care less but this is getting ridiculous.
'you' don't even know me; 'you' don't have the right to judge and criticize the way 'you' do.

this probably sounds very unfair and i know you mean well but stop.
my goals are for me and no one else.

it's okay to feel.

i'm not going to put on a brave face and say that it's easy to live with a depressed father and an ill mother. actually, i don't think i've ever said that in the first place. point is, sometimes it's harder on some days than others. there is my life, then there is their lives. You can't separate two worlds living under one roof. their bad days drag me down sometimes. then there are days when life seems so "normal" and we're all on the same page. in other words, i never know how each day will end up because anything can make or break my day.

case in point: life isn't easy but that's okay. things will keep changing and that's the thrilling part about life right?

bleh.

i move in water, shore to shore

there will be a period of days where i'll believe everything will be okay. and everything will fall into place if i just leave it alone. but it's so brief: it's momentary bliss.

there's always something that pulls me back to reality.
whether it's a song or some place I walk by. perhaps it's a certain time of the day. whatever it is, it wakes me up from a state of optimism. but it doesn't drop me into a full state of depression nor does it make me any less optimistic. it just adds a dose of realism; I willingly accept the idea that things can go wrong but i'm willing to fix it, to endure it all. afterall, i'm are only human.

after enduring certain hardships, i realize that i can still be content with my dreams and my fears. they can coincide and it won't end up in a bloody battle. sometimes, i let my fears get a hold of me and i fall deep into this sadness. it pulsates with my heart, breathing in my thoughts. but then i find it slowly fades as i leave it be. i embrace it and love it. and i feel its rough hands slipping off my skin. that's when i know i made it through another boisterous wave.

these lessons are ones i continue to learn and grow from. these lessons are experiences i continue to live through. i know it won't end yet. i'm not ready. i'll continue to make more mistakes and live life recklessly. and at the end of the day, i know i'll come back to the same beginning. but there will always be different endings.

the actor.

Tell me who the writer of your script is. You follow it so well it seems.
The words I read seem so fake, so rehearsed. You're reaching out but you're too far away.
The distance is destroying the image of you in my head.
My disappointment in you leaves me feeling nauseous, weak, alone.
You've hurt me in ways I doubt you would even know.
But you're back.
And I'm trying so hard to move on.

I'm sorry. I just don't want to continue these games.

so this is where we stand

Ever since Thanksgiving past, I made up my mind to let go and continue to move on without you. I thought it was going to be terribly difficult but after two days I thought I was pretty much over you. Or so I thought.

It wasn't a week later did I begin to tear up at the thought of your voice in my head; how much i missed our long embraces. I had good days, and the bad which ultimately overwhelmed me and emotionally drained my energy. But after crying for the last time, I felt that I was genuinely getting over you. Or so I thought.

I checked my phone when I got home (like any other day).
That's when I saw your name on the screen.
You had texted me.
I haven't heard from you since Thanksgiving day.

Why are you back?

life works in this unexplainable way

I cried.
I cried so hard last night because I suddenly missed you.

I am forgetting what it's like to have your fingers run along my arm. I'm forgetting how the warmth of your breath felt against my cheek. I can barely make out the sound of your voice anymore. You're leaving me. Every thought, every memory of you is leaving my body, my mind. So I am starting to realize how much you meant to me and how much emotion I invested into our relationship. You were around long enough to watch me trust again but you left too early. But I promise you this: I will move on with or without you.

I am starting to dislike the posts I am writing. They are all about you; about how much I miss you, how much I cry for you, how much I am disappointed in you. But I promise, my future posts will be less about you and more about me.

This I promise you.

it's official!

introducing the newest addition to my family...

from my tumblr:

i need to stop thinking so much. i cannot differentiate between the beginning and the end. i don’t know what is good for me and what is bad. just feeling alone is mentally draining nowadays. i strive to stay organized and stay on top of things but in the end, i feel so lost and disorganized. each day is planned out to the max but my future seems impossibly cluttered. i am terrified of the years to come yet so willing to throw myself out there, in the unknown. i want to escape from the present, run head first into the future. each day seems painfully long but each year slips through the cracks of my fingers like sand. i keep feeling; the emotions that run through me are so strong. sometimes i hardly know what to do with it all. i need to stop thinking so much.

sitting on my bed,
staring into the reflection,
and all i see if me.

i once felt like a princess in your arms:

even if it was just for a little while, it was enough.

+

There isn't much to say these days. I'm just holding on, looking up and embracing the fall weather.

october 15th, 2010

memento mori: remember your mortality.

Do you have one?

There's that one friend who you thought was rather annoying and immature when you first met. But you two grew apart and somehow reconnected. And then you realized you both changed so much and there are endless conversations that flow between the two of you. You two don't talk often but every so often you start again and the conversations only get better. There's this very strong bond between the two of you. You're confident this friendship will last for so long.

There's always that one friend; they are a real blessing to have.
Thank you Kevin.

i taste your name in my mouth

There was a time when I understood the rhythm of your heart. When I put my ear against your chest, I heard your honest thoughts whisper to me. It was slow, comforting.

But reading the words on the small screen of my phone spoiled your innocence.
Waves of disappointment washed over me.
You had me believe and for once, I trusted myself.
Your trustworthiness has burned and left ashes on my hands. They stain the clothes I wear and now I cannot get rid of you.
You've become another reminder of why it's better to keep to myself.
Build a better wall to surround myself; I find hugging my knees the only comfort.

Your excuse is so hard to accept when the timing of it all doesn't add up.
I'm tired of the disappoint that comes with the mention of your name.
I'm exhausted from making up excuses for you.
There are no more excuses to use.
Your actions tell me nothing more than what I know.

I always knew change was difficult and hard to adjust to.
I just didn't know how difficult until now.

a fairytale: prince charming to ugly toad

I want this to be the last time I cry over him.

I thought that there would be a good chance things would work out. I had high hopes and perhaps that was wrong to begin with. I just did not see us ending the way it is now. He had proved me wrong while we were together; he showed me putting a little trust in him did not hurt, sharing thoughts would not throw him off. Most importantly, coming out from hiding was a good thing. Except that was the summer and we've moved into a new season. Now, I don't know who he is. I don't hear from him unless I make the effort to text him. I never hear from him first. He comforted me by whispering sweet hopes into my ear and now, I can see they were sweet nothings. Perhaps everything he said was the truth back then, but they've turned into lies. I don't doubt that he meant what he said in that moment he said it. But of course, change occurs. It's inevitable. Was I naive or stupid for believing in him?

And tonight, I am finding myself waiting by the phone. He agreed to see each other this weekend. I don't know what happened. I could text him again to arrange everything but how many chances can one get? How many times is too many? In a way, this is a post to help say goodbye. It's my way to receive closure just for myself--no one else.

Closure is all I want. I just wish I got it differently.

Jazz, a cup of tea and a good novel to cozy up with. Sometimes, it's all that's needed.

As of lately, I've been feeling drained but I suppose that's what happens when I throw myself into school work. You ever find yourself spending the days rushing and making yourself so busy? Then find yourself slowing down because you just cannot possibly find the energy to keep going? It's exactly where I am right now. But spending the afternoon with a few simple pleasures and I'm feeling re-energized already.

Please do yourself a favour and take a break sometimes (:

+

I believe that one day, I'll be brave enough to pick up my camera and shoot the one idea I've always had since the day she was diagnosed.

Just, one day.

early morning

It seems so much easier to say that I had fooled myself into thinking that I had liked him. In the past, I had confused liking someone for the love of attention. As I sit here with a steaming cup of tea, I know it was so much more than that. We had both found a companion in each other. I remember that night when we aimlessly walked along Yonge. It was a true moment of appreciation where the silence that we created together was something beautiful. You made me realize good company is what we all want and it's hard to come by. It's easy to meet people. It's even easier to show them your fun side and drink and be merry. But what makes good company truly good is that they will appreciate the absence of conversation. They will enjoy those moments of silence and be comfortable with it.

You tire me.

we hear but no one listens.

So this is my secret I've been keeping for four years. It is so hard to hide it when it affects me so much. It comes and goes as it pleases. I'm terrified of what people might think of me if they knew. If I could be open and openly allow my emotions to just pour from the heart, I would. But you know it's impossible in such a superficial world. It's a place full of peers who judge, stereotype, discriminate. We hide ugly truths and present ourselves to the world in a beautifully wrapped lie. That is how most are accepted in society. But why must society be so picture-perfect when we all know perfect doesn't exist?

But we try to get as close to 'perfect' as we can.

If they knew how sad I get throughout the year, will they still appreciate who I am? I have no control of when this state of depression might affect me. My emotions are not hardwired into my brain. Sure, I have my breakdowns and I want to be anti-social but it doesn't mean I will forget how to smile or crack a joke. Let's be a little kinder. Just be appreciative of the smaller things. Give people a chance. If we all tried to understand, maybe we'll get a little further in life.

I'd like to share a quote with you:

Sometimes you just need to cry and be sad. You need to break down and be torn apart. You need to learn now to pick yourself up and put yourself back together. Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first, cause without sadness, there’s no happiness, you would never learn to smile.

--Eletheowl

it's not the end, but it sure is coming close.

You've trapped something within your ribcage.
It feeds off your emotions.
You feel it within your chest--the pain is so distinct.
Its heartbeat is felt alongside your own.

I never imagined I would feel so betrayed.

late night writing

Picture that mysterious girl hidden at the back of the cafe. Her hair is messily pulled back in a ballerina bun. She's holding a large cup of something in hands. You don't know what it is but you know it's something hot judging from the steam that steadily rises from the cup. She's wearing an oversized sweater which contrasts with her black tights. She's not paying attention to anyone who passes by. She's far too focused on the papers spread out in front of her. She taps her highlighter against the table as she reads. Once in a while, she'll bring the cap to her mouth and chew on it every so lightly. You want to approach her but you aren't sure how. She seems intelligent enough to engage in a lengthy conversation. It's the prospect of this which urges you to say something to her. Afterall, you only want good company.

She looks up. You smile and look at the empty seat across from her. Her eyes shine as she murmurs go ahead. You slide the seat back, making that awful scraping sound against the worn wooden floor. She smiles ever so slightly as you sit down. She looks at you with curiosity and it reminds you of a lost puppy. You try to hold back a smile. You clear your throat and she twirls a loose strand of hair at the nape of her neck. You try to see what she's reading but you know you can't interpret text upside down. You are a bit strange like that. So you take a small breath in and ask her.

She looks up and pauses for a moment, almost hesitant to respond. Then she slightly opens her mouth and utters the word Darwinism. You are slightly taken aback by this. She really doesn't seem like the Darwin type of woman. Fortunately, you still remember that course you took two years ago about evolution. So you start bullshitting and throw in a few key words in there like 'natural selection' and 'adaptation'. She bites her lower lip ans you finish your sentence. There's that moment of silence and she's looking straight at you. Then suddenly, she lets out a small giggle. You are horrified, thinking that you said something idiotic. But she quickly apologizes and admits that she doesn't know too much about Darwin; that the only reason why she's reading up on him is because she's taking an anthropology class, nothing more than that. You let out a small sigh of relief. She begins to open up but you notice she speaks with a low whisper. You lean in to hear her better and that's when you notice the odd number of ear piercings. Four in one, one in the other. You find the asymmetry comforting. And from nowhere, you hear Sinatra's voice bellowing from the speakers. You begin to tap your foot to the beat and you find yourself explaining your love for him. She gives you a big smiles as she tells you that she is quite fond of him too. You are delighted.

Time flies by when you are enjoying yourself but you remember you need to meet a friend. You excuse yourself and politely shake her hand. You slowly walk out and hand extra money to the cashier, secretly paying for her drink. Pleased with the outcome of your encounter with the stranger, you walk out into the cold.

It wasn't until much later that you realize she never gave you her name.