Introductions and first impressions.

I find it so hard to meet people. The things I've been hiding from most people affect me so much and it's such a huge part of my life. It's become a part of who I am and when I don't talk about my situation at home I feel like I'm not being completely honest with them. In that case, they don't know who I am.

Defeats the purpose of meeting anyone.
Can you see the problem?

When their lives are intertwined with your emotions

They run so deep and affect every single day of your life where you cannot be at a constant.

Like ghosts.

Funny how things can die down so quickly and suddenly.

One minute, I am swamped with the complexity of human relations with several people and the next minute they all decide to disappear. Why can't I stay friends with guys? I don't know if it's the way I subconsciously lead them into thinking I'm interested then suddenly display a disinterest in them. I cannot help that I love the thrill of a chase more than the actual relationship right now. I admit that I am a completely selfish tease.

There's a lot more I want to say in this post but I cannot find the proper words to describe the way I interact with the male population. I can only say that it is not the healthiest.

Just know that I am trying to change.

++

sun kissed skin
yellow leaves that dance
"good morning"
yes, i think it will be alright
after all

I continue to remember that every morning I wake up to is another reason to celebrate life. Everytime I feel like I'm slipping, I try very hard to look at life in it's most simplest form. When I break down life from its complex form, I sense a load of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe that is the secret to life; you've got to let go of things that disrupt that harmonic balance and let things flow as they should. Never try to stop a natural event from happening, never block emotions you don't want to feel.

Let yourself feel.

+

I wake up and keep my eyes closed. I desperately try to fall back asleep but my heart doesn't feel right. It's fluttering and rests lightly within me. My pulse beats strongly--it's a liar. I breathe in deep to steady my heart.

I roll to my side and stare at my bare legs sticking out form under the covers. They look dark and smooth as I admire them from afar. They patiently wait for someone to love them and accept them as a part of me.

I roll onto my other side now. Faith Hill plays in one ear as rain hits the window pane. What a strange feeling, to wake up to the sound of rain. It makes me feel sad but in a romantic way. Does that make sense? Let me test that out: I am romantically sad. Well, it may not make perfect sense but you can imagine the sadness one portrays in a movie and transfer their emotion here. It's close enough.

My arm is numb from resting my head on it. I don't move it in hopes that the hurt from my heart will somehow transfer to my arm. There's some psychological term for it. Wait. Isn't that to describe some psychological disorder? Never mind then.

I turn onto my back now. I look up and see the paper cranes I hung about half a year ago. They are so still, they look frozen in time. They come to life as I start to blow at them. They are so graceful as they spin around.

Suddenly, they are frozen in time once again.

Think of this as a joke, alright?

Dressed in your loose t-shirt, you sit by the fountain watching grandparents admire their grandsons and granddaughters. Everything seems so perfect and you've never felt so comfortable in your own skin. You've got the sun-kissed glow girls die to have and you wish there was someone here beside you to admire it. It's not a feeling you always get but on such beautiful days like today, you want to share this minute moment of bliss.

Then you notice the man sitting no further than three feet behind you. He's dressed casually, sunglasses on and one of the most gorgeous scruffs a woman could ask for on her man. As you write this, you wonder if he notices you. And as you let your imagination run wild, dreaming of the movie-like scenario where he randomly mans up and starts up a conversation, you smile to yourself. You start laughing at how silly you're become.

You momentarily stop writing for a bit and look up at the coffee cup in front of you. Then you start panicking because you realize you most likely have coffee breath which is quite unattractive. You then start praying no one--especially the man behind you--will start a conversation with you. I mean, coffee breath is just a real turn-off.

Alright, so now he's sitting in front of you. God really isn't paying attention to any of your thoughts. And of course, he's now less than two feet away.

Right, and of course you are looking at a married man.

[]

Sometimes, I forget who I am in this world. I become so out of touch with reality it is rather strange to snap back into it. I let my thoughts consume me as I try to understand the different emotions I'm always feeling. I probably sound half insane by this point. I am aware of that.

+

[caption id="attachment_125" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="It\'s always easy to put on a smile. It\'s even easier to erase it."][/caption]

I'm putting on my boots and my jacket. I'm walking out the door.

+

My life will be better without you by my side on my mind.

leaps and bounds.

Reconnecting with an old, lost friend does wonders sometimes. In this case, it opened my eyes to a whole different perspective. I am now aware of the feelings we still have towards each other. He still cares deeply for my safety and we both have the utmost respect for each other. I am only afraid things may spiral out of control as we continue to hang out more often.

Trying to mend things with an old friend who disappointed me in the past gives me a whole other feeling. He makes me feel old and lonely. I try so hard to fight my feelings for him so that I only see him as an acquaintance. Whether this is the right thing to do or not, I don't know anymore. So many times, I thought I was doing the right thing but it backfires and leaves me wishing for a second chance. But how many second chances does a person get? I believe we both need to start fresh and try it out. I know that at one point, there was something there. It's lost now and I don't want to go back looking for something that can never be found. But I know we can start fresh and perhaps we can both get the second chance we both need.

Scene one:

8:30pm and it's raining lightly as they walk home together. They talk and laugh at the past and as they continue to walk, it begins to rain harder. He offers her his sweater and she first denies him of it. He insists and she gives in (she sensed his genuine concern for her). She slips into the sweater as he carries her umbrella. It hangs on her but she doesn't mind. They continue to walk; her in his sweater and him carrying her umbrella. Once in a while, there would be silence as she looks up at the night sky looking for stars (she doesn't see any).

They are at the station now where they will head in different directions.

She gently tugs off his sweater and hands it to him as he hands over her umbrella. They smile as she decides whether a hug would cross any uncomfortable boundary. Without so much of a hesitation, he opens his arms out, gesturing for a hug and she goes in for it.

They hug like they are close friends.

Here's a story about Jim and Leoneil.

It's been a while since I've taught adaptive aquatics. That's why, when I had to teach two brothers who were both autistic, I was a bit concerned. I wasn't afraid of them; I was scared that the challenge would be too great. The last time I taught an autistic child was a year ago. I knew I should have went in with more confidence because in the end I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Jim was probably around 10 years old. He was mute. He brought two figurines which he loved to chase. He was very excited to be in the water but he would not touch me at all. It took a lot of eye contact and simple phrases to help us get along. In the end, he was very attached to me, trying to climb onto me and not letting go. Jim is a very intelligent boy who is fun and loving. He even tried to kiss me on the cheek at one point. I felt as though I had made a new friend. He taught me that patience is key.

Leoneil was probably around 7 years old. He didn't know how to speak but he would grunt when he's displeased and he would create high-pitched noises when he was excited. Unlike his brother, he was not enthusiastic to get into the water. When he got in, he hung onto me very tightly. He would place his feet onto my legs, making me squat as I tried to control his temper. At last, he began to get used to the environment. He still hung onto me but he began to kick a bit with his feet. During the half hour session, he didn't let go of me once but he was happy. I was rewarded with a big, bright smile everytime he splashed with his hands or tried to blow bubbles. He was adorable. Admittedly, it hurt when he began to get nervous and dug his fingers into my arms or sometimes he would unknowingly pull at my hair. Leoneil is such an innocent child and--just like Jim--very loving.

Today, I'm looking back at my experience with them and although my thighs are sore from Leoneil's weight, and rather tired from putting every ounce of concentration I had into them, I couldn't be happier. I'm happy that I get such a rare opportunity to work with such beautiful children. It's a shame so many people are afraid to ask questions, to try and get to know them. I just know I would do it again and again and again for the rest of my life.

Jim and Leoneil, thank you for such an amazing experience.