Friday, October 14, 2011

Lessons to be Learned

Carissa Rae ft. Michael Alvarado - Sway (cover)

Sorry for the lack of better posts. It seems like these days pass by with no distinct markers to help me differentiate one day from the next. Lately, it has been a bit of a struggle for me to be productive because I seem to have hit a small rut. Emotionally, I am feeble and longing for something so much more. As much as I hate to admit it, I have been more than lonely; it is that nagging empty feeling deep within that echoes within my ribcage. 

I am learning a hard lesson in love. 

What is it about me that makes me too readily for love? Too easy to forgive and too hard to release? I am full of love and compassion but I need the right reasons to put forth that love. I put too much energy into one person and wind up exhausted. I have not learned from previous lessons because I am eager; young and naive, I jump forward without looking and quickly feel fear mid-leap. The overwhelming nervousness fuels my actions as I desperately try to gain back that control I gave away. 

But I am trying nonetheless.  I promise, I will never stop loving and work on self compassion.



She was entranced with the sound of his voice; the way he looked at her from across the table kept her frozen in one spot. He seemed so relaxed, leaning into the back of his chair as the others continued to speak. It was when the others spoke did they communicate through stares and subtle smiles. She felt her breathing become more relaxed—progressively slower—as she lit another cigarette. Her small fingers spun the lighter around as she interjected their conversation with a few good words. Time passed by with each lit cigarette and growing number of pint glasses. Her interest for the man sitting across from her continued to grow as he sat there listening intently. And when she passed something to him, their hands ever so gently touched and she shivered deep within. 
The gentlemen slowly dispersed and they migrated over to another foreign table. They sat next to each other, like partners in crime. She listened closely as the group conversed over beer, mixed nuts and more cigarettes. It was then did he turn to her quite suddenly, initiating their own private conversation amidst the loud chatter around them. She noticed the full turn of his body as he brought up the topic of nanotechnology which led into their thoughts on life and death. He was a strong believer in living; she was a firm believer in enjoying the process of dying. He talked with ease as he used his hands to help get his point across. They slowly forgot about the people around them, becoming fully immersed in their own thoughts. At that point into the night, she had relaxed with him; her shoulders had dropped, her back slightly slouched and she made full eye contact—very unsual for her.
Their departure from the bar was quiet as she slipped past him, unsure of the next move. She opened the door to clear skies, a quiet street with only a few taxis zooming along the road. She felt glorious in that moment. Like she had released a new part of herself; one she had built herself that very night and she could not help but smile as she slowly walked away. She was at the corner of the street when she turned around,  pivoting on her boot heel and she saw him walk out and look around. She knew what—or who—he was searching for. She smiled again as she took a step towards his direction. Instinctively, he turned his head to the left and she felt his radiating smile as they walked towards each other. 
Standing in front of him, she took careful note of the laugh lines peeking through his ginger facial hair. And the moonlight only highlighted his lively eyes. Little words were exchanged and she sensed what was to come. But he pulled a surprise on her: he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the cheek. He pulled away and stood there unsure of her reaction. Her, in her old sweater, with her scarf dangling off her neck and eyes transfixed on his face. She heard her soft breathing, felt her heart give a flutter, as she gave her approval in the form of a small smile.
She did not know what else to do that night. All she was capable of doing was smile and head home. She knew nothing else. Walking, she felt lighter, the air smelled cleaner and the streetlights seemed to be more dim, unveiling the stars which led her home. 

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Something Corporate - Konstantine

This song. Tonight. 

I met someone today who helped me come to the realization that no one is stopping me but myself. My fears hold me back and suddenly it is one big script in my head. There is nothing genuine about it and I detest myself for it. How do I break an old habit made to save me from getting hurt? And now this habit has done nothing but hurt me. I need redemption; I want to prove to myself that I am capable of carrying through. I only hope it is not too late. It is time for a change.

Some changes are necessary.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

untitled - part one

Slippery and smooth,
as it slides between,
my bony fingers.
Edges line up as,
it slowly shrinks,
leaving me with an,
unrecognizable form.
A repetitive process.

And those days pass by,
as the sun casts shadows of the present,
my fingers weave and fold,
through the patterned sheets.
I am a creator,
stringing hope on thin lines,
to believe in
truth and humanity. 

I hang them all,
watching them spiral and
wave back and forth.
Effort fills their lungs
keeping them afloat as,
we defy gravity.
Memories are my future and they
are my forever past. 

Monday, October 3, 2011

october 3rd

Today has been very quiet. I feel like I have been silenced by my own thoughts and emotions; like so many events have made me appreciate life so much more and have touched my heart that I am unable to fully describe--in words--just how I feel. Strange isn't it? Has anyone else felt this way before? I wonder.

The weather here in the city has been very gray and chilly lately. Despite that, I have been content for the most part. I have been spending a lot of my free time alone, trying to comprehend this quiet, foreign state I have been in. As a result, jazz and caffeine are the only things that have been accompanying me these evenings alone.

Now, I have my hands on a bowl of raspberries as I sit here wrapped up in a scarf and leg warmers due to cold toes.
I'm going to give this study session another go. Wish me luck!


Saturday, October 1, 2011


William Fitzsimmons ft. Priscilla Ahn - I Don't Feel It Anymore

I leave smudges,
as I press my hands on glass.
Peering in and,
daydreaming of you.
Just alive in,
a golden haze,
and we breathe in slow. 
Nothing ever grows. 

In the midst of the slow music, warm lighting and wrapped in my blankets, tonight I feel like I belong.
October is here at last; the most romantic month I could possibly ask for and I am determined to make it my own.