okay.

I just wanted to lie back in bed; i never wanted to get out from under my blanket.
I woke up to rain today and it was beautiful with the murmuring of Christmas songs coming from my radio.
I stared out the window, hair sprawled across my pillow.
The rain reminded me of the tears i want to let go of,
But i am afraid of doing so.
I have been holding back many things these days,
And it hurts to know that the reason why i am biting down on my tongue is because i am too fearful.
I am fearful of the things that haunt my past,
The emotions which dragged me down and
Those that have wrung my trust dry.
So I turned my back away from the window.
I closed my eyes and let everything sink in.

I have not been feeling myself lately.
I just really want to remember what it was like to genuinely be alright (even if being okay is a relative thing).

a sudden rapid anxiety attack

so vulnerable, so exposed but no one notices
because i have gotten so good at hiding and pretending.
it is my strength but in the long run it will become my weakness.

i am just waiting.

nothings

She trembled, knife in hand.
Her pain fell from her eyes and marked the handwritten letter she laid upon her bare legs.
Thoughts raced through her mind as her heartbeat echoed within.
She took a deep breath, knowing who she would disappoint.
Life was full of beauty stained with pain and that was all she has ever known

It is scary to know it had gotten that bad.

(pulled from tumblr) i woke up this morning thinking yesterday was a dream

i woke up and remembered what had happened.
i was hesitant to believe that yesterday was real.
i realized it was real and then, a smile crept across my face.

it’s been a while since i woke up questioning reality because it was too good to be true..
so maybe this is the turning point.
maybe i’m letting go (but perhaps this is cheating?)
regardless, i’m back to giggling and looking back to that moment.
boy, simple pleasures really are the best!

Monday Lattes.

Your smile seems genuine, in the dim lights of the cafe.
You pull off the best casual looks and I'm envious.
You look weary yet alive.

There's this game we play but we always get caught.
Once, twice, and then cover it with a smile.
I don't get tongue tied but I burn up because there's something about it all.
It feels rather surreal; I'm unsure of what to do.
But I've learned that I need to take it as it comes and work with what I have.

You've got my smiling and it's rather nice but let's just take it slow.

narcotics and books.

One thing struck me in particular this morning and that is the idea of comfort.

Last night, we went out to a small bar nearby and we sat and drank. We stared at people passing by, overheard a few conversations and openly laid out our feelings on the table. We laughed over little things, made the best of the night with a few jokes; we were catching up with not only each other but perhaps ourselves. We fed off each others thoughts and prayed that there was an answer somewhere amidst it all.

We made our way to a small family-owned restaurant nearby and tiredly plopped ourselves down with amazing food in front of us. We let the buzz take us through the night; we talked more passionately about everything we were uncertain of. We ate, talked, laughed, felt. We were blessed with a good night.

And then, morning came.
It struck me that last night was comforting. It wasn't about dressing up and impressing anyone. It wasn't about needing to hang out with a whole group of people in order to feel popular. It was about honesty, friendships, letting loose and knowing I'm not alone. Throughout the night I felt so many things. I liked how fast my heart was beating, it felt good to express bitterness, I laughed rather loudly and it hurt. I felt moments of confusion and despair, hopelessness followed by euphoria.
And throughout all of this, I knew I was never drunk. The alcohol wasn't what made me feel five things at once. It was only heightened.

And because of last night, I knew nights like those are what I need to remember that I'm still living. That I'm very much alive and feeling. That I'm fucking living my life the way I want to. And you know, I think that's comfort.

if it was meant to be, it's meant to be...

i miss you more than i can express.
but you should know, despite the short length that we've gotten to know each other, you've changed me in a way.

i miss you right now. so much.
it hurts but things will be okay.
i only hope you wind up with someone who deserves your unconditional love.

finally able

I've been hesitant about sharing what I'm about to post because it's only been two days. I'm not sure why I feel this way nor whether it'll fade as time passes.

Lexi makes me want to cry. Her spirit reminds me so much of my own. (Yes, I know it sounds ridiculous but hear me out.) She's so quiet and is always looking for a little love. She hates being alone for too long especially at night. She whines and cries at night for company. She makes her mistakes and continues to do so. And it's because she's simply wanting good company that it tugs at my heartstrings a little too strongly.

She's a simple soul. And yet, the one thing she wants is the hardest to find sometimes. I feel her. Good company can be hard to find but I know right now, she's helping me get through my heartaches and daydreams.

Sure, it's only been two days but I know I love her already. There's really no doubt.

so in love

We brought her home yesterday morning and I quickly fell in love with this young one. Two days and she'll be two months old. She's so loving and friendly. She's hilarious and puzzling. It's a lot of work to love her but it's definitely worth it.

currently living a life of opposites.

I'm obsessed with this feeling; it overwhelms me with fear, love, loneliness, inspiration.

Something's got a hold of me.
I have given up trying to understand what this is anymore.
But it's more pronounced, it's growing stronger everyday--I can feel it.
Its weight hangs within the core, its own heartbeat beating at a steady pace.

Days of pleasant and unexpected surprises leave me longing for much more than I could possibly hold within my small hands.
But I don't really care.
Even if only for a small while, they change me and my way of thinking.
I am addicted, obsessed, in love.
So much so I just want to drop down onto my knees and cry so hard.
I cannot explain it.
Are they tears of fear? happiness?
Maybe it doesn't matter.

And yet, I feel so passionate about life,
I want to do so much.
It's overwhelming to think of all the small things I want to do in just one lifetime.
But I don't care,
I can't let every little fear hold me back anymore.
Although I'm terrified, I am making a promise to try a little harder and push myself a little further

just to get what i want.

differences

there's something about writing bright and early, when the sun is out.
its warm rays kisses your back as you fill your mind with endless thoughts.
soothing, jazz music plays as you remind yourself of lucky you are to be experiencing something so small and dear.

then you write during the night, when silence echoes in your head.
there are a million thoughts running through your head at a hundred miles per second.
you feel tired and alone, yearning for good company.
you have questions wanting to be answered and you sit there, staring.

it seems like day and night are such opposites and they provoke such different emotions.
yet, they both remind you of life and just how beautifully tragic it truly is.
not in some depressing way; it's just enough to keep you grounded and stay within this world of reality.
it's a natural balance we all need to realize.
we can't always be happy nor sad.
we need to embrace both and everything else in between.


i guess it's appropriate that my horoscope sign is Libra, the scales.

perfect

I woke up to sunshine spilling across my bed and my blanket tangled around my legs.
I woke up with thoughts of you and then I cried.

I cried because
it still hurts,
life is so beautiful,
timing works with and against us,
strangers connect with a certain part of me (even I don't understand),
and love is too powerful sometimes.

Today, I woke up knowing what it means to fall in love.

wishful thoughts

I wonder if you recognize the uncertainty and excitement in my eyes when you are around.
I know it's awfully silly of me to daydream about these things in which I'm not even sure if I truly believe.
There is this air of mystery you seem to give off; those eyes say so much more than you let slip out of your mouth.
Perhaps it's that hesitant smile you show after each quiet laugh.
I honestly don't know whether you think the same way as I do but no matter, it's just a small wish.

I don't have my hopes high up, I just like to enjoy the small moments we create.

cold waves

there are nights where emotions disagree and i feel dirty from the thoughts which stain my mind.
my clothes don't fit properly as they tug at all the wrong places,
feet are worn from running away,
eyes burn from those sleepless nights.
loneliness overwhelms me while i get pushed down with waves of sadness.

it's not a good feeling but it's familiar and familiarity is never a bad thing.
i find comfort in the strange and the strangers.
i like getting close to them but keeping them only close enough where hurt cannot be felt.
boyish smiles makes me feel at home,
hot chai lattes which burn at my fingertips are soothing.

i am different on these nights,
nights full of nostalgia and cautious love.
i feel weighed down but it's home,
these feelings are dear to me.

no one likes to feel out of place.

back to oaktrees in the spring

I'm left in this state of loneliness.
This loneliness that feeds on the arguments and loud voices in this house.

I want to go back to last night when things were like a dream.
Even the lighting depicted a movie moment where strangers meet for the first time.
The tension slowly fades as words break the air.
Smiles turn into sentences.

Stranger, let me get closer.
Can you aid in diffusing the bitterness in my mind?
Maybe we can be each other's good company and forget about the cold, piercing wind.
We'll hide under blankets of dreams and let waves of inspiration hit us as we waste time talking about the unknown.

How I wish I could go back to last night.
Oh, how I wish I could stay there forever.

tonight

tonight was an interesting night. it had its ups and downs but one thing is for sure: i feel so blessed to be surrounded by friends who love me and are always there for me.

I am so giddy from this evening's situation at the cafe.
Dinner with old friends is probably one of the best feelings one can get.
Wine is good.
Headaches are bad.

Tonight, I feel how much I've been burying but I realized, it's not answers I need. It's a way to move on. I need to learn how to forgive and forget. I am aware of just how bitter I am with relationships. I love but I don't give it out often enough. I live through fear, loss, disbelief. It's not like I asked to be like this. And I am trying to change. But it's become second nature to put up that wall. I am afraid of taking certain risks. I am afraid because I don't know how to let go.

I assure you, I am not okay but life is about trying and that is exactly what I'm doing.
I am trying to learn how to overcome my fears.

Plus, I'm rather tipsy from the red wine I've been drinking tonight so if nothing I said makes sense...that's too bad.

thursday's evening news

brought to you by: trish.

My dad snapped tonight and has just walked out the door.
"Trish, do whatever you like, I'm done. I don't want to be here anymore. If I don't come home tonight, take care of them."

Alright kids. Today's lesson is: expect anything to happen.


JUSTWHATTHEFUCKHAPPENED.

to sir, with love.

I'm going to take the absence as closure.
I'll take it and walk away.

I'm done. Perhaps you are too.