perfect touches

After what had happened, I had forgotten how to become intimate with another being. I flourished and grew to find self-love as well as pure joy for those around me but I have been pushing people away so desperately and intensely, I had left myself untouched. I am not talking about the rushed, abrupt and planned touching. No, this touching is the type which interrupts the peaceful silence; it is the type of touching which means more than words and can say a thousand words in the span of five seconds. This touching is slow and gentle, rhythmic and soothing. But he reminded me that things were not so bad and that I was in safe hands. Though doubt kept me cautious and alert, I feel like he erased a thin layer of the fear underlying the idea of intimacy. It was not much, but having another human being so close to me, breathing in unison and feeling the warm breath on my ear was therapeutic. I just don't know what it means anymore.

I left you, for myself

As my 22nd birthday is coming around the corner, I am realizing that there is not a lot of time for us to adjust to the responsibilities which inevitably come with growing up. The transition from teenager to adult seems short-lived as we scramble to put ourselves on the right path. But the beauty in this process is that the people I care most for are doing the exact same thing. Seeing them figure out their own lives and getting together to complain about our personal worries is what is comforting. We are essentially doing the same thing, together, as one (the connectedness is clear and simple).

With all the stresses in life, it can be  difficult to stay grounded and not find yourself in a frenzy. However, I have discovered that with the right resources, it can be a little bit easier. I have to say, I have been blessed with some extremely extraordinary people who have given me some insight on life and, most importantly, myself. And these people continually come and go as I develop my own sense of peace and understanding.  I have put myself in situations where I was vulnerable to all sense of mischief and misery. I drowned myself in self-pity, self-loathing and participated in destructive activities. But, that was the past.

On the path to discovering a better lifestyle for myself, I have come a long way. However, coming a long way does not mean I'll be stopping anytime soon. Letting go has been such a freeing experience and it is only the first step in my goal of reflecting inwards. This inner healing is the closest, most personal activity I can do for myself and I absolutely love it. I have tried to find love and compassion by adopting the lifestyle of others, taking bits and pieces from the people I thought inspired me. But I was silly, naive and ultimately grew tired of pretending that I was "healing". Thankfully, I am learning; I am learning that healing begins with awareness and that is all I really have to do. And that is exactly what I intend to continue to do. I feel better today. And I hope to continue to feel better.

I was feeling down this past week but one morning this spark ignited within me. I suddenly felt so much love--out of nowhere--and it poured out of my own soul. I suddenly felt lighter, releasing the backpack full of rocks. I breathed in slowly and I breathed in deep.  Perhaps I sound rather optimistic and even slightly naive but I swear: the love I feel today is pure love for myself, my own existence and therefore the existence of those around me. For once, I had no doubt in the love I had for myself.

And that is an exhilarating feeling.

09.09.12

It seems like I always go back to where I started. I will find myself running back to what is most familiar, most distant, and ultimately most safe. But what is safe is not always the ideal...nor healthy. I can tell myself every day that I have grown; that my inner strength is admirable and perseverance is undeniably there.  And while there is truth in those statements, I know there is a long way to go. My life is a journey of healing and discovery as I continue to experience life situations. What I take from each situation will hopefully take me one step closer to--ironically--ceasing such linear thoughts.

And while I can emotionally feel a sense of calmness by cutting ties from all the intoxicating questions, I have one situation that lies its roots deep within my being. Every time I am close to entering an intimate relationship with someone, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy in being able to share thoughts with another human being. This joy is genuine and intense. But, hesitation creeps under it all and I feel myself create questions of doubt and regret. On one hand, I want to keep them as a friend--to confide in them and keep them close--but on the other hand, I do not feel prepared to handle a relationship. I want to help them, support them and keep them smiling but I am fearful of it getting too intimate. They become demanding and suddenly I want out. But, I can never detest their actions. I can understand that intimacy is a beautiful thing. The building of a relationship is precious and difficult--but so worth it. But I turn into a selfish being. One who makes excuses and pushes them away because I am "too busy" or "I just don't have the time". And once I move on, I find peace and with time, I feel ready again to start over because I have fooled myself into believing that I have matured. But perhaps I really have matured, and it has never been self deception. Then why do I keep entering such a vicious cycle? It puzzles me because it has become an instinct to back away once I feel them getting closer.

Despite this fear, I admire intimacy immensely. The close relationship between two people is fascinating and at times, exhilarating. I enjoy listening to people and helping people find themselves a little better too. Perhaps selfish but I want my energy to influence their energy. If there is anything I feel that is influential, it is our own energy we put forth into this universe. The world is so much more sensitive than we thought it is. Unfortunately, we forget about this and we spend our lives delivering negative energy through our self-destructing thoughts. But I digress.

I enjoy spending time with many people. And the ability to  share tender moments with certain individuals is truly nothing short of a miracle. And yet, I will be honest and state that the personal time I spend alone is incredibly precious and peaceful too. To this date, I always feel more comfortable when there is no individual counting on me to be there as their girlfriend. I want to belong to people, but no one individual. That one individual should only be me. I should only belong to myself. No one else.

I Have Way Too Much Fun at Sea

After spending seven days at sea, I realized how incredible it felt to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I was so happy, without my cell phone and any access to the internet. Perhaps it is because I am more mature now and I've grown that I have come to cherish the moments with my family. Looking back at all the photographs we took, I cannot help but feel the warmth and love we have for each other. While our family struggles everyday with the various current situations we must all deal with together, I feel the effort we put in to ensure that we do not fall apart. But not everyday goes smoothly. Throughout the trip, we had really good moments and extremely stressful lows. However, there was not one day where I felt like crying. Maybe there is something about the ocean that minimizes the emotional pain. Looking back, I am amazed at how well we kept it together.

Despite being with my family most of the time, I did have lots of time for myself. And the best part was that I rarely thought about any problems. My mind was truly relaxed and I found myself in a constant state of contentment. If there is anything I have learned, it is that dwelling into the past and self-absorbing my own emotions was the unhealthiest thing I could do for myself. It was such a habit of mine and to this very day, I have to be conscious of whether I am engaging in such a negative thought process. I went to the jazz lounge alone and I had such a fantastic time! I got a chance to talk briefly to the pianist. People there were such kind beings, full of passion and compassion. I have met many people who are so uncomfortable with being alone and I wonder why--why would one be so uncomfortable with spending time with themselves? I feel like it is rare that we have time for ourselves in such a chaotic society. I had the privilege of receiving this alone time accompanied with fabulous live jazz music. I even had the chance to chat with the pianist of the jazz band.

Along with a self-discovery, I had the opportunity to try out stand-up paddle boarding in Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas as well as hike down the highest peak on the island of Philipsberg, St. Maarten!

All I can say is that I feel incredibly blessed (and a tad bit spoiled) to have gone through such an exhilarating and peaceful experience. I could not ask for anything better.

Cheers,
-t

P.S. While on the ship, I had the best crush on our head waiter. He was so sweet, polite and incredible sly. It is only natural for me to have the silliest crush on a man who I may never see again...sigh.