beautiful afternoon

Life has thrown me the smallest distractions lately and have completely taken over my free time! But don't get me wrong. I absolutely love it. Between family, work and volunteering it's a difficult balance to achieve.  However, my goal is to become healthier and achieve a healthier lifestyle which means I'll continue work on it.

Sitting in this dainty tea shop, I could not help but admire all the colours in my smoked salmon salad. The oranges, greens, and purples opened up my appetite as I slowly ate. The vanilla pomegranate tea smelled incredible and complimented my salad. I never savoured my food as much as I did this afternoon and it was amazing. Suddenly, I realized what it meant to be conscious and aware--paying attention to Now.  I have been reading so much on spirituality, practicing yoga, all in hopes to find a more quiet and peaceful life (more importantly, quietening the mind). Since then, I have experienced glimpses of peace and awareness but this lunch helped me focus in on all my senses. Pure joy filled me as I gained insight on the joy of simple eating.  And just like how the tea complimented the salad, the sunny Spring weather complimented the warm and cozy environment inside. In that moment, I felt blessed; I felt myself glowing from the inside out. For a lack of better words...in that moment, I felt infinite.

Cheers,
t

Unexpected surprises

Two evenings ago, we were laying in his bed and catching up on each other's days.  Suddenly he had this look on his face and he stared right at me. I was mid-chuckling when I noticed and suddenly the room filled with a long silent pause. My heart was beating fast; his eyes told me he was thinking of something important and was on the verge of telling me. I recall his green eyes sparkling right before and out of nowhere he blurted out, "I love you".

I take these three words seriously. I don't say it without meaning it so those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was speechless, I couldn't even crack a joke about it (not saying I would...).  I looked straight into his eyes and I found my answer: he was very serious about his feelings. However, I knew I could not return those three words, at least not now. I'll continue to follow my heart; I know that when the time is correct, I will be able to say it with no hesitation.

I'm grateful for the people in my life, early morning yoga, sunshine and all the love in my life.

A strange and curious realization

Yesterday morning was slow and romantic.

I woke up to the man I have liked for over a year; we were lucky enough to have been able to spend our two month anniversary together; it was my second time staying over at his apartment. It was only six o'clock in the morning when I was woken up by him sliding back under the covers. I mumbled a quick 'morning' before I slowly opened my eyes to him staring at me. I rubbed my eyes and smiled. He smiled back.

It was not long before we began to talk about our adventures the night before. I was so thrilled that he had a fun time with my friends. He was happy that he was finally able to meet them. Silence strung each small conversation together. He stared deep into my eyes and I felt that deep admiration from him. I blushed and looked at his freckled right shoulder.

He has always told me that he liked me (a lot) and that he was infatuated with me. I always knew I liked him more than any other man I have seen. And perhaps I had not realized the depth of our relationship and the impact we had on each other until he uttered "I am falling for you". When the words slowly slipped out between his lips, I stared right at him. I let out a nearly inaudible sigh. I was a bit lost in its context. I unsure of whether that was another way of saying I really like you. But when he clarified and added, "I am falling in love with you" my heart expanded and my mind drew a blank in my sleepy, slow state. I cleared my throat and kissed him--my way of letting him know how I felt. And I kissed him again and again and, again.

It wasn't until this morning did I realize that I, too, am falling in love with him.
The first time I met him, we had a great connection. I felt it. He knew it.
And after over a year of small run-ins, we have come to the strange and curious realization that we are in fact, in love.

Lazy Sunday

This morning was a pleasant one; woken up by a humorous text message from a dear friend, it had started out positive and sweet. Each day, I am finding myself falling in love with life's little gifts. I feel blessed. This morning, I watched the sky turn from grey to a bright sunny yellow; it filled the kitchen with this powerful energy, as it began to lightly snow. It was incredible to watch.

My baby succulents are beginning to grow again too. I was afraid that they would not last this winter but they are thriving and looking healthier than ever. And as this Sunday slowly passes, I am grateful for being strong, independent and rational (for the most part). And while I was disappointed that I will not be able to see him today, I am still smiling because I know these all are a part of life.

Wishing you all a peaceful and lazy Sunday.

Cheers,
-t

Re-Learning

Practicing yoga reminds me that happiness is not to be found; it is to be created.
There is no reason to define happiness either. It is what it is: a positive feeling, felt and produced by the body's response to the absolute infinite and nothingness.

Another Beginning

The start of this year has been nothing short of busy. Ironically, I have found myself more busy without school in the picture. As a result, my blog has been neglected but I'm striving for regular updates as many things are in the midst of changing.

The transition into the new year has been a subtle one; I guess I was anticipating a clear and definite sign to mark the new year but that was definitely not the case. In ways, I am glad there is no drastic change to create a distinct marker between one year and the next as transitions are probably smoother when they are gradual. I entered the new year with the start of positive relationships and I am very grateful for this. My positive influence on the family has been helping to build a more trusting and open relationship with my parents. My new relationship with the gentleman has been  slow but nothing short of spectacular. He has surprised me with his support and I am very content with our continuing journey together.

In addition to these environmental changes, my own spiritual growth has been helping me through rough, violent times. I have cried tears of fear and sadness but that does not mean I am any weaker. In fact, to allow my body to let its natural emotional response to occur, I have become a stronger person. I feel free to choose which emotions I want to take over me (if any at all) and that realization alone has made me a better person. I recently stumbled upon this quote by Rita Schiano:

"Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys." 

 

I read this over and over and over again before I realized that this was what I was trying to do all along. My focus on the pain in life only held me back; it became a constant which was holding me back from what I could feel, or what I could potentially feel. We all have a choice, some more obvious than others, but in the end, we have a choice. Maybe not through actions but we can most definitely choose to zone in on the positive, healthy emotions to ease the aches and hardships in life. Tough situations do not last forever, but tough people do.

As for this blog, I'm not sure where this will be going. I had full intentions to make this blog an opportunity to document my life. However, I can't say I have been doing a spectacular job doing so. Being a busy young adult with many life responsibilities, many photographic opportunities slip through my fingers as they flash before my very eyes. However, memories remain and I will try to take advantage of this. With words, I will try to re-live the moments and document them here so that this blog will become a place of nostalgia. So hopefully, I will be updating this blog to help me remember as I continue to learn to live in the present; to simply be.

Cheers,
-t

breathing is always the first step

I hate to be the bad guy in situations.

Yet, sometimes I know I have to in order to get my point across: that I love her. It is heart wrenching to see her gradually damage her body from starvation and for her anger to rise so strongly in those black eyes of hers. Her eyes are dull from the pain and guilt she holds onto so tightly.  I want her to see that I care for her but I am torn between what the right steps to take and which are the wrong ones; the choices which will take her further from me--from us.

And I see my dad who is the most persevering person I know. His sighs are sounds I hear more frequently and it hurts me to see him in a state of defeat. His aged, rough hands have found a place on his worn down, wrinkled face; his hands go over his eyes, covering what does not want to be seen. His ache resonates in my heart and I'm overwhelmed by the confusion and frustration he feels. I know we're in this together because we have silently vowed to make things right together. But I feel like I am watching a silent movie, with every painful emotion exaggerated to the fullest extent.  I keep replaying the same scene in my head and everytime it hurts a little more.

My mum looks so tired. She is the one who has suffered the longest. Her story can be read in her eyes too. Just as dull as my sister's and more tired than my dad's: she can tell you a tale of suffering. Her hair is streaked with grey and her back is hunched over as she has lost a lot of her strength to keep her posture erect. It is scary to see how quickly she has deteriorated these last five  years. It is the unknown rate of deterioration which has me feeling terrified of the near future. Not my future but ours.

I don't really know where this leaves me. I am doing what I can and while I know I will make a few rash decisions (and regret a few immediately after), I also know I will make some good decisions. It is all an experience to teach me a lot. It is a difficult lesson to sit through but I want to learn as much as I can out of all of this. I will stay hopeful, humble and honest. But most of all, I am praying for a immeasurable amount of love to give. To both myself and everyone I meet.

Cheers,
-t

perfect touches

After what had happened, I had forgotten how to become intimate with another being. I flourished and grew to find self-love as well as pure joy for those around me but I have been pushing people away so desperately and intensely, I had left myself untouched. I am not talking about the rushed, abrupt and planned touching. No, this touching is the type which interrupts the peaceful silence; it is the type of touching which means more than words and can say a thousand words in the span of five seconds. This touching is slow and gentle, rhythmic and soothing. But he reminded me that things were not so bad and that I was in safe hands. Though doubt kept me cautious and alert, I feel like he erased a thin layer of the fear underlying the idea of intimacy. It was not much, but having another human being so close to me, breathing in unison and feeling the warm breath on my ear was therapeutic. I just don't know what it means anymore.

09.09.12

It seems like I always go back to where I started. I will find myself running back to what is most familiar, most distant, and ultimately most safe. But what is safe is not always the ideal...nor healthy. I can tell myself every day that I have grown; that my inner strength is admirable and perseverance is undeniably there.  And while there is truth in those statements, I know there is a long way to go. My life is a journey of healing and discovery as I continue to experience life situations. What I take from each situation will hopefully take me one step closer to--ironically--ceasing such linear thoughts.

And while I can emotionally feel a sense of calmness by cutting ties from all the intoxicating questions, I have one situation that lies its roots deep within my being. Every time I am close to entering an intimate relationship with someone, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy in being able to share thoughts with another human being. This joy is genuine and intense. But, hesitation creeps under it all and I feel myself create questions of doubt and regret. On one hand, I want to keep them as a friend--to confide in them and keep them close--but on the other hand, I do not feel prepared to handle a relationship. I want to help them, support them and keep them smiling but I am fearful of it getting too intimate. They become demanding and suddenly I want out. But, I can never detest their actions. I can understand that intimacy is a beautiful thing. The building of a relationship is precious and difficult--but so worth it. But I turn into a selfish being. One who makes excuses and pushes them away because I am "too busy" or "I just don't have the time". And once I move on, I find peace and with time, I feel ready again to start over because I have fooled myself into believing that I have matured. But perhaps I really have matured, and it has never been self deception. Then why do I keep entering such a vicious cycle? It puzzles me because it has become an instinct to back away once I feel them getting closer.

Despite this fear, I admire intimacy immensely. The close relationship between two people is fascinating and at times, exhilarating. I enjoy listening to people and helping people find themselves a little better too. Perhaps selfish but I want my energy to influence their energy. If there is anything I feel that is influential, it is our own energy we put forth into this universe. The world is so much more sensitive than we thought it is. Unfortunately, we forget about this and we spend our lives delivering negative energy through our self-destructing thoughts. But I digress.

I enjoy spending time with many people. And the ability to  share tender moments with certain individuals is truly nothing short of a miracle. And yet, I will be honest and state that the personal time I spend alone is incredibly precious and peaceful too. To this date, I always feel more comfortable when there is no individual counting on me to be there as their girlfriend. I want to belong to people, but no one individual. That one individual should only be me. I should only belong to myself. No one else.

Another Chapter

I suppose I could have seen it coming but nothing hits you harder than reality itself: when personal worries are solidified through a third party's confirmation.

It felt surreal to sit in a small room and listen to each professional talk to us and the next steps toward treating her disorder. Across from us sat a pediatrician, a nutritionist and last but not least, a psychiatrist. On one side was my sister and on the other, my parents, squished onto one couch. And then I heard his voice tremble, long pauses in between his sentences and I knew what was happening. It was heart-wrenching to see such a strong human being crumble in a matter of seconds. However, it made me understand how badly I want to be there for my family. I could not give up on her and neither could they. The news we received today was shocking--there is no doubt about that--but it also helped me to understand that this is exactly where I need to be in my life. That my purpose consists of being part of the support system she needs. I'm exhausted, drained, flabbergasted yet extremely ready to tackle this new challenge.

Suddenly I see the tangled complexity of the multiple disorders and I know it will not be an easy task to help her untangle such a mess. The emotions will run high, the stress will cause tension and more tears will be produced during this crucial process of recovery but I have faith in her. The very thought of her slipping; imagining her rapidly falling downhill is frightening and only wants me to help her more.

Those with family members diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (AN): I commend you all because this battle is difficult, straining and energy-draining. 

07.11.2012

There are some things I continuously take for granted.

Luckily, I am reminded daily of what I take for granted. This reminder resides within the home. With a physically ill mother and a mentally ill sibling, it does not take too long for me to find myself grounded once again. And while there are strenuous and terrifying moments, my own personal life has been growing and success has been blessing me. I have nothing to say because my life has become so simple and harmonious. It took me a while to cut out the unnecessary drama, people, and physical things. It took too many mistakes for me to recognize what my own actions were doing to myself. But now, I am in a good place; I am suddenly motivated to better myself, to push myself beyond my comfort zone and devoted to whatever I am doing. Emotionally, I am healing--that I accept and admit. But it is not the prospect of healing and feeling better that has me smiling. Rather, it is the effort I am putting forth to allow myself to properly heal. I am in such a better place. I am.

I used to think that believing that things will get better is the best (and most optimistic) way to approach a rough situation. However, now I can say that it is not the optimistic beliefs but the awareness of the situation that provides the comfort. To know and to accept provides more comfort than any other optimistic approach possible. I learned to stop focusing my thoughts on the future because it would only give way to another stream of "what ifs" and "maybes". My consciousness is growing to allow myself to also grow emotionally healthier.

In other words, I cannot complain. My life is simplistic but never boring.

07.04.12.

With only 2 days left until my cousin's wedding, I was feeling the pressure to really find a new dress. And that I did (finally)! It amazes me how such a small task, such as purchasing a suitable dress, could feel so daunting and almost horrendous. It also made me understand how powerful our minds are over our physiological health.

On that note, my mum has had trouble sitting up today; her core has weakened drastically over the past year and her health has acted as a constant reminder for me to continue to live a healthy lifestyle. Because I have begun to take better care of my body, both inquiry and love have grown tremendously. I strive to better myself and by doing so I have begun to focus a lot less on relationships; companionship is always welcome but my yearn for a romantic relationship has diminished. Rather, I have found myself trying to heal my mind from those past relationships. I am unsure of whether this sudden change in desires is due to what had happened previously but I know that the thought of meeting someone new--romantically--no longer concerns me. In fact, reflection has led me to the conclusion that those romantic flings I had in the past were mere illusions. I had tricked myself into believing that I adored that man for good reasons but the split had little effect on me. No heartache ensued nor did I cry. That is how I know I was simply allowing myself to be admired because I was losing sight of what I truly needed to fill in those empty gaps. I truly thought that I was content with our relationship when really, I was feeling a sense of increasing emptiness with the self deceit I so easily created.

And today, rather than letting myself slip back into that self-illusion, I am letting myself dwell into inquiry over my life and life itself. I am differentiating the difference between this internal and external world so that I can easily distant myself from the chaos I create myself. By doing so, I no longer yearn for temporary harmony. Instead, I yearn for absolute harmony and love to grow internally to feed into the lives of those around me.

Cheers,
t

Everlasting

It has just been over a month since it has happened. How I managed to endure the emotional strains and the constant reminders? I cannot even answer that because the healing has just begun. I know deep within, that I will always remember what I had done and who was involved. Will this haunt me? I don't think so. However, it will continue to stick with me until the very end. I believe in coping and acceptance. It is something I continue to strive for everyday. No, I do not cry every night anymore nor do I curl into the fetus position and just lie there. I have the energy, the motivation, to go on about my day. I could not feel more blessed to be living the life I am creating. And because I feel so darn grounded these past few days, the emotional struggles feel a little more tolerable and a little less strenuous.

However, I know that as a result my decision, I have isolated myself from many. I have become self-absorbed and felt such a strong desire to find answers and "fix" myself". But I am beginning to see how wrong I am to want to "fix" me. There is no need. Rather, I need more time to heal, and learn that acceptance comes from within. The answers I search for cannot be found: they can only be experienced. Letting myself go is one of the best things I can do for myself. I want nothing more these days then to feel the slow, steady rhythm of my internal healing process.

Treating my body well is the one thing I can focus on.

Babe,

Babe,

Sometimes, I find myself given a situation which tears my heart apart as it pushes me to question my own morale. Today I was blessed with a present but given my current circumstances I cannot enjoy this gift for too long. I will have to make the tough decision of parting with you, my babe. I understand the controversy over such a delicate matter but I cannot possibly bring you into a world in which I cannot give the very best to you. As heart wrenching as it is for me, I must go through with it. I was careless and I am no more intelligent than you. Babe, I know you'll forgive me for not carrying through with my responsibility.

For the next week, I will cherish this special experience and love my body as much as I can. I know you are listening and you can understand what it means for me to leave you babe. Just know you'll always be my first. It has only been a few weeks but I already feel attached to you. I can sense your presence from within and how precious you are to me. It is an unfortunate event. Some may judge me for it but I do hope, babe, that you understand me.

Always and forever,

-t

I Once Made a Man Cry

I once made a man cry. It was near midnight and the dim streetlights made his tears glisten. He stared at me with such intensity as he spoke, lips trembling. People passed, unaware (or ignorant) of the way my words hit him. We sat side by side, still, on the cement planter box. My arms rose, only to find themselves embraced around my own body: I had to give myself the love I deserve. There was something about the midnight air which made my thoughts blur. The cold stirred all sorts of selfish emotions. Or maybe it was the alcohol. He spoke of the way I pushed him away and how it worked so effectively; he spoke of the resistance I create when we are together; he spoke of the way he adored me. I listened in silence. My response was a laugh. It was the laugh that crawled out of your throat slowly because nothing else seemed any more appropriate. It was the uncontrollable laugh which traveled to his ears and forcefully pushed down his throat until he could no longer breathe properly. It was a lethal nervous laugh.

I once made a man cry.

No, my truth made a man cry.

The Month of April

As April comes to an end, nostalgia embodies each passing thought. Familiar emotions hang in the air and repetitive actions are carried out. Slow, quiet morning lattes soothe the mind, stroking the wild and violent thoughts. Unfamiliar music plays and distracts throwing my thoughts off on a tangent, allowing a temporary escape. Strangers walk in and out, right and left; the unfamiliarity keeps me grounded as I focus my attention on the environment. Gray, quiet days have outnumbered sunny, loud ones as solitude called out my name this month. Many have seen me but I have seen too few. It seems like loneliness hits the hardest when our thoughts begin to distant themselves, detaching themselves from the physical body. Sometimes, I feel myself feeling more and more lonely but I direct my attention back to the endless stream of thoughts and I am suddenly better.

Goodbye turbulent April, I welcome May with open arms.

To be affectionate

The more I continue to observe and allow myself to be, the more I believe life is carefully weaved to create beautiful interactions between people. We meet each stranger, each lover and each enemy for a reason; a relationship between two people is understandably complex yet the interconnectedness in this universe is alarmingly simple.

I bring the idea of connections and perfect timing for a reason. At a time of drastic emotional changes and self-growth, I have had the opportunity to create closeness between old friendships and create distance between those who are of no importance. And through another turning point in my life, I have met a man. A man who once intimidated me turned out to be the perfect man to teach me lessons in intimacy. At a time when a group of the closest people need my emotional support most, he is--simultaneously--showing me how to outwardly express my love for them. He is leading me in a foreign dance; he takes two steps as I follow with one.
He is patient and persistent.
He is kind yet forceful but never cruel and distant.

I have been going through my young adult life with very few lessons in love and relationships. I kept experiencing cycles of hurt and fear. However, it is not too late and I suppose it is finally time for me to learn this hard lesson. But, ironically, it is not difficult at all. In fact, it is so pure, so innocent and so calming, I realized fear was what fueled the negative emotions I marked as love. There is no love in fear and I am learning that now. So here I am, witnessing what it is like to show affection and to receive it whole-heartedly.

"Charlotte"

His collection of useful clutter.

Unfinished ceiling and a leaf

Cheers,
t

Note: When I talk about love, I am not talking about a love between two partners. In fact, I know I am nowhere near love. However, I am learning how to love a human being through a dating scenario. And I am content. 

the festive month

Hello bloggers,

Boy, it has been one hectic month and now the holidays are here! Unfortunately, this Christmas isn't so white and just plain cold; Christmas lights are dispersed as some houses did not bother to put up the lights this year. However, like every Christmas, I make it my favourite holiday as it becomes a time for generosity, peace and baking. I will save you the long post about how much I have learned this year and how I have grown but I do want to say that the acceptance of my life has been the theme this year. I have definitely changed a lot and I assure everyone that I will continue to do so. I will continue to be humble and become a more giving person. I intend to maintain relationships and commit to activities.

I hope all you bloggers out there have had a wealthy year, full of opportunities. May the new year bring you more happiness and positive changes. Happy holidays everyone!

Cheers,
-t

p.s. I have photos to post but I'll leave that for one gigantic photo post. Instead, here's one of me knitting. Hah!

Tomato Basil Pesto Flake Pastry

I finally gave this recipe a try but rather than using a puff pastry, I decided to try a flake pastry. If I were to make this again, I think I would wrap it a bit better and perhaps add a few more tomatoes inside. Other than that, it was extra crispy and the basil pesto and tomatoes combined made for one tasty treat!

Cheers,
-t

Snippets

I've been so caught up with a whole bunch of academic and personal plans, I nearly forgot to upload the few photos I have taken of the meals I have made so far.  The other night, I decided to make a chicken salad; taking one glance at the leftovers in the fridge, I knew this would be one easy meal to make. I sliced up a bunch of green peppers, threw in some tomatoes, seasoned and grilled a chicken breast and grated some cheese on top and I made myself a delicious--and easy--meal! I paired it with a bottle of Shiraz and I knew I had a good night ahead of me.

And knowing that I had a family Thanksgiving dinner to go to, I wanted to bring a little something so I found this recipe online and gave it a go. Needless to say, it was a huge hit, and everyone loved it.

It's been rough but cooking things for myself makes things a little more bearable. Perhaps it is because you put a lot of effort into it and the outcome is selfishly rewarding (not to mention, you cure that growling stomach of yours!).

Cheers,
-t