unexpected feelings

There are some people you meet once upon a time. These individuals never left a mark or even came close to giving you some sort of impression. And these individuals leave after a short time. And you go on living; you continue to grow without them and you forget who they are. And after years of forgotten memories and faint smiles, you see them again. But you meet them in a more isolated environment; free from the outsiders and their influences—you see them in a new light. You notice the slight changes in their appearance and the colour of their eyes. You take one step closer and feel the genuine good nature of this individual. And without even knowing, this individual has managed to seep into your thoughts.

And tonight I cannot stop but think back.

-t

She woke up with the soft linen tangled around one leg; breasts exposed and bangs fell over her eyes.  She slowly closed her eyes and listened to the gentle hum of the air conditioning system outside her window. She breathed in the faint aroma od sweat and old Burberry perfume. Eyes still closed, she reached for her blanket and pulled it up to her chest and rolled over onto her ivory pale stomach. Slowly, one eye opened and then the other. She stared at her reflection as her vision slowly came into focus. Nothing seemed to have changed about her body. But the more she stared, the more she noticed it.

Her shoulders were dark from being out in the sun and her bikini tan peeked out from under her underwear. No, there were no extreme changes and yet, she saw it. The contour of her body, the expression on her face—that neutral expression; nothing had changed. What she saw was the change that had occurred on the inside. It shone from her eyes and it changed the way she carried herself. She had lost many things along the way but she had gained so much more in return.

She closed her eyes.

Upclose and personal

Waking up to another beautiful sunny day reminds me that while problems do not disappear overnight, you regain that energy after a night’s rest. We are all meant to be fighters; we each have our own strategies and game plan but our goal is to overcome defeat and walk with our chests held high.

My latest fight has been against self-control. It is something that I have lost these past few days. My head was spinning feelings of excitement and nervousness; my feelings were tossing and turning as I tried to understand where this surge of thrill came from. You gave me exactly the right amount of hope to leave me wanting more and I despise you for that. I cannot say you did it intentionally but I do know you are mindful of how I feel towards you (to say the least). I think I just need to make it clear that I have not given up on you, I have simply given up on waiting. I have lost the patience with men who cannot seem to walk out of their comfort zone. There were moments when I truly believed that things would finally work out but I was definitely wrong. I do not think I am naïve; I am not foolish; I am most definitely not wrong in any sense for wanting to pursue this. I am simply a young woman who is a little tired of being her own support system.

This is not a post about yearning and needing. It is one where I am owning up to my own mistakes and reminding myself that I went for it rather than chicken out and wonder about all those ‘what-ifs’. I do not regret a single moment because I know that there will always be something between us; a slight tension that hangs heavy on every word we exchange with each other. Is this suffering? I do not think so. In fact, it is simply the celebration of feelings. Human beings feel and that is exactly what we are doing.

always thinking,
-t