As April comes to an end, nostalgia embodies each passing thought. Familiar emotions hang in the air and repetitive actions are carried out. Slow, quiet morning lattes soothe the mind, stroking the wild and violent thoughts. Unfamiliar music plays and distracts throwing my thoughts off on a tangent, allowing a temporary escape. Strangers walk in and out, right and left; the unfamiliarity keeps me grounded as I focus my attention on the environment. Gray, quiet days have outnumbered sunny, loud ones as solitude called out my name this month. Many have seen me but I have seen too few. It seems like loneliness hits the hardest when our thoughts begin to distant themselves, detaching themselves from the physical body. Sometimes, I feel myself feeling more and more lonely but I direct my attention back to the endless stream of thoughts and I am suddenly better.
Goodbye turbulent April, I welcome May with open arms.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Bob Dylan stopped playing and the sound of our breaths was all that could be heard. Light turned to dark as we laid there, calm and naked. The streetlights sent a glowing stream of light through the window highlighting the contours of our bodies. Holding hands, we laid on our backs, and whispered small confessions. You told me that this was the most relaxing relationship you have ever experienced. I smiled through the tears that slowly ran down my cheeks. You said that every time I cried it was perfect because it indicated the intensity and importance of your words. You wiped them away as I told you of my childhood, my fears of him and the changes I have witnessed these past two months. In that still and peaceful moment, we weaved a memory I could never replace.
o o o o o
Despite who we grew to become and who we grew to become for each other, my emotions wandered and my thoughts were overwhelmed with old feelings for past interests. This is my confession as a human being, lost with the confusion I tried so hard to hide. That night--seven months ago--came back to haunt me as his face reminded me of what had happened. The initial intrigue rose to the surface of my mind and it got a tight hold of me. We kissed and I could not stop, like I was waiting for that exact moment ever since the very first day we met.
Talking on the phone was painful. I was full of guilt and I still had not fully processed everything that had happened. I did not know he had talked so highly of me and I also did not know the two men had talked about me either. The silences dragged out and I felt my stomach drop as he expressed his feelings. He was so kind, so generous, that it only hurt more.
I have nothing but the deepest respect for him.
Seeing him in person left me trembling as we ran for shelter from the rain.
His eyes had never been so blue and being so close to him had me at my knees.
The tears welled without control as he spoke. I handed him the key and he took it in hesitation.
I felt small and regretful.
I could not look into his eyes.
He told me he deleted my number but it was of no use: he remembered it by heart.
He had seen me looking so sad walking past him, that he could not help himself from running out to talk to me. He did not understand why he did it.
We leaned in for one last embrace and it seemed to have lasted longer than our past hugs.
I shook in his arms and I could not move. Once he unlocked his arms around me, it would be over and it hurt to know that.
Before he left me standing there, he said that he wished he did not have his key in his pocket right now.
My key chain feels empty without his key.