Sunday, December 9, 2012

Meet Dharma

“Hey beautiful, hope you’re feeling better today. Knew I wasn’t going to see you today and couldn’t help make you feel better if you weren’t. So I left a friend of mine at the only for you. Her name is Dharma, Junior put her on top of the fridge. Hope she puts a smile on your face because I can’t today.”

So through a whirlwind of events, our fate has intertwined after over a year of untimely events and messy situations. I currently find myself in a relationship unlike all the others. Finally, I am in a serious and relaxing relationship with a man who once made me cry; he made me smile more but there was nothing more between us then the short, random encounters. But that is the past. We have made it past the murmurs and gossip and we are content--so content! Separately, we are both in good places in our lives at the moment. And because of this, I truly believe this is the reason why we have started a life together--now, not then. And now, not forever. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am expecting the worst or that I don't believe that we can make it past three months. But when changes occur, we cannot go against them. We must ride along the ups and the downs, no matter how tough they seem. In these past few years, I have learned that nothing is permanent and so, every tough situation can turn for the better. I am hoping that this will last because he makes me feel stronger and more independent. It seems a little ironic that being in a relationship can make you more independent but because our independence has gotten us this far, we want to continue to grow independently so we can proudly share our separate accomplishments together. Truth be told, it has not been a month but I have grown to admire this man will all my heart (not blindly). My admiration for him has helped me find inner love for so many others.

I truly believe that I am in a good place in this very moment.


Sunday, November 18, 2012

On Fall Dates

I have always imagined that fall dates were more romantic and meaningful. Perhaps it is the cold weather that brings people together; over warm heating, dim lighting and a mug of hot tea or a good pint of beer. No matter what the occasion, a fall gathering always seemed more intimate to me. So when it comes to dates with that special person you have been admiring from a distance, these fall dates are enchanting.

My first fall date occurred last night. It was a painful process to arrange it but in the end, it paid off. It wasn't really that romantic. In fact, he made no reservations, we had no back-up plans and were limited to our neighbourhood. But despite those limitations, it was a night I would not forget...not for a long time.

We met outside an old pub and began making small talk. Scratching original plans, we ended up hopping into a cab to take us to a cozy neighbourhood bar. We sat huddled on this small loveseat, under very dim red lighting and unidentifiable background noises filled the room. It was perfect. With his leg crossed over his other leg, his knee leaned on my thigh. We casually touched each other's arm mid-conversation and a lot of laughter. I was starting to ease up and relax. And then, we got the news that a few people would be coming to the bar; people who would cause some drama so he paid the tab and off we went.

Again, with no plans, we headed to another pub. It was nearly deserted, with only a regular at the bar and a couple in the other corner of the room. It was perfect. We argued over who would pay for the bill; we laid things out on the table and talked openly and honestly. It all went--unexpectedly--well.

But the most memorable and most simple part about the night was walking home. While walking home, he made a subtle move of holding his hand out and without any hesitation, I put my hand in his. And that was how he walked me home.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

breathing is always the first step

I hate to be the bad guy in situations.

Yet, sometimes I know I have to in order to get my point across: that I love her. It is heart wrenching to see her gradually damage her body from starvation and for her anger to rise so strongly in those black eyes of hers. Her eyes are dull from the pain and guilt she holds onto so tightly.  I want her to see that I care for her but I am torn between what the right steps to take and which are the wrong ones; the choices which will take her further from me--from us.

And I see my dad who is the most persevering person I know. His sighs are sounds I hear more frequently and it hurts me to see him in a state of defeat. His aged, rough hands have found a place on his worn down, wrinkled face; his hands go over his eyes, covering what does not want to be seen. His ache resonates in my heart and I'm overwhelmed by the confusion and frustration he feels. I know we're in this together because we have silently vowed to make things right together. But I feel like I am watching a silent movie, with every painful emotion exaggerated to the fullest extent.  I keep replaying the same scene in my head and everytime it hurts a little more.

My mum looks so tired. She is the one who has suffered the longest. Her story can be read in her eyes too. Just as dull as my sister's and more tired than my dad's: she can tell you a tale of suffering. Her hair is streaked with grey and her back is hunched over as she has lost a lot of her strength to keep her posture erect. It is scary to see how quickly she has deteriorated these last five  years. It is the unknown rate of deterioration which has me feeling terrified of the near future. Not my future but ours.

I don't really know where this leaves me. I am doing what I can and while I know I will make a few rash decisions (and regret a few immediately after), I also know I will make some good decisions. It is all an experience to teach me a lot. It is a difficult lesson to sit through but I want to learn as much as I can out of all of this. I will stay hopeful, humble and honest. But most of all, I am praying for a immeasurable amount of love to give. To both myself and everyone I meet.


Thursday, October 4, 2012

All Okay

The moment when my sister's guidance counselor suggests I go and see a school counselor myself.

So now I am wondering if (or when) I should make a trip there.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

perfect touches

After what had happened, I had forgotten how to become intimate with another being. I flourished and grew to find self-love as well as pure joy for those around me but I have been pushing people away so desperately and intensely, I had left myself untouched. I am not talking about the rushed, abrupt and planned touching. No, this touching is the type which interrupts the peaceful silence; it is the type of touching which means more than words and can say a thousand words in the span of five seconds. This touching is slow and gentle, rhythmic and soothing. But he reminded me that things were not so bad and that I was in safe hands. Though doubt kept me cautious and alert, I feel like he erased a thin layer of the fear underlying the idea of intimacy. It was not much, but having another human being so close to me, breathing in unison and feeling the warm breath on my ear was therapeutic. I just don't know what it means anymore.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

I left you, for myself

As my 22nd birthday is coming around the corner, I am realizing that there is not a lot of time for us to adjust to the responsibilities which inevitably come with growing up. The transition from teenager to adult seems short-lived as we scramble to put ourselves on the right path. But the beauty in this process is that the people I care most for are doing the exact same thing. Seeing them figure out their own lives and getting together to complain about our personal worries is what is comforting. We are essentially doing the same thing, together, as one (the connectedness is clear and simple).

With all the stresses in life, it can be  difficult to stay grounded and not find yourself in a frenzy. However, I have discovered that with the right resources, it can be a little bit easier. I have to say, I have been blessed with some extremely extraordinary people who have given me some insight on life and, most importantly, myself. And these people continually come and go as I develop my own sense of peace and understanding.  I have put myself in situations where I was vulnerable to all sense of mischief and misery. I drowned myself in self-pity, self-loathing and participated in destructive activities. But, that was the past.

On the path to discovering a better lifestyle for myself, I have come a long way. However, coming a long way does not mean I'll be stopping anytime soon. Letting go has been such a freeing experience and it is only the first step in my goal of reflecting inwards. This inner healing is the closest, most personal activity I can do for myself and I absolutely love it. I have tried to find love and compassion by adopting the lifestyle of others, taking bits and pieces from the people I thought inspired me. But I was silly, naive and ultimately grew tired of pretending that I was "healing". Thankfully, I am learning; I am learning that healing begins with awareness and that is all I really have to do. And that is exactly what I intend to continue to do. I feel better today. And I hope to continue to feel better.

I was feeling down this past week but one morning this spark ignited within me. I suddenly felt so much love--out of nowhere--and it poured out of my own soul. I suddenly felt lighter, releasing the backpack full of rocks. I breathed in slowly and I breathed in deep.  Perhaps I sound rather optimistic and even slightly naive but I swear: the love I feel today is pure love for myself, my own existence and therefore the existence of those around me. For once, I had no doubt in the love I had for myself.

And that is an exhilarating feeling.

Sunday, September 9, 2012


It seems like I always go back to where I started. I will find myself running back to what is most familiar, most distant, and ultimately most safe. But what is safe is not always the ideal...nor healthy. I can tell myself every day that I have grown; that my inner strength is admirable and perseverance is undeniably there.  And while there is truth in those statements, I know there is a long way to go. My life is a journey of healing and discovery as I continue to experience life situations. What I take from each situation will hopefully take me one step closer to--ironically--ceasing such linear thoughts.

And while I can emotionally feel a sense of calmness by cutting ties from all the intoxicating questions, I have one situation that lies its roots deep within my being. Every time I am close to entering an intimate relationship with someone, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy in being able to share thoughts with another human being. This joy is genuine and intense. But, hesitation creeps under it all and I feel myself create questions of doubt and regret. On one hand, I want to keep them as a friend--to confide in them and keep them close--but on the other hand, I do not feel prepared to handle a relationship. I want to help them, support them and keep them smiling but I am fearful of it getting too intimate. They become demanding and suddenly I want out. But, I can never detest their actions. I can understand that intimacy is a beautiful thing. The building of a relationship is precious and difficult--but so worth it. But I turn into a selfish being. One who makes excuses and pushes them away because I am "too busy" or "I just don't have the time". And once I move on, I find peace and with time, I feel ready again to start over because I have fooled myself into believing that I have matured. But perhaps I really have matured, and it has never been self deception. Then why do I keep entering such a vicious cycle? It puzzles me because it has become an instinct to back away once I feel them getting closer.

Despite this fear, I admire intimacy immensely. The close relationship between two people is fascinating and at times, exhilarating. I enjoy listening to people and helping people find themselves a little better too. Perhaps selfish but I want my energy to influence their energy. If there is anything I feel that is influential, it is our own energy we put forth into this universe. The world is so much more sensitive than we thought it is. Unfortunately, we forget about this and we spend our lives delivering negative energy through our self-destructing thoughts. But I digress.

I enjoy spending time with many people. And the ability to  share tender moments with certain individuals is truly nothing short of a miracle. And yet, I will be honest and state that the personal time I spend alone is incredibly precious and peaceful too. To this date, I always feel more comfortable when there is no individual counting on me to be there as their girlfriend. I want to belong to people, but no one individual. That one individual should only be me. I should only belong to myself. No one else.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I Have Way Too Much Fun at Sea

After spending seven days at sea, I realized how incredible it felt to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I was so happy, without my cell phone and any access to the internet. Perhaps it is because I am more mature now and I've grown that I have come to cherish the moments with my family. Looking back at all the photographs we took, I cannot help but feel the warmth and love we have for each other. While our family struggles everyday with the various current situations we must all deal with together, I feel the effort we put in to ensure that we do not fall apart. But not everyday goes smoothly. Throughout the trip, we had really good moments and extremely stressful lows. However, there was not one day where I felt like crying. Maybe there is something about the ocean that minimizes the emotional pain. Looking back, I am amazed at how well we kept it together.

Despite being with my family most of the time, I did have lots of time for myself. And the best part was that I rarely thought about any problems. My mind was truly relaxed and I found myself in a constant state of contentment. If there is anything I have learned, it is that dwelling into the past and self-absorbing my own emotions was the unhealthiest thing I could do for myself. It was such a habit of mine and to this very day, I have to be conscious of whether I am engaging in such a negative thought process. I went to the jazz lounge alone and I had such a fantastic time! I got a chance to talk briefly to the pianist. People there were such kind beings, full of passion and compassion. I have met many people who are so uncomfortable with being alone and I wonder why--why would one be so uncomfortable with spending time with themselves? I feel like it is rare that we have time for ourselves in such a chaotic society. I had the privilege of receiving this alone time accompanied with fabulous live jazz music. I even had the chance to chat with the pianist of the jazz band.

Along with a self-discovery, I had the opportunity to try out stand-up paddle boarding in Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas as well as hike down the highest peak on the island of Philipsberg, St. Maarten!

All I can say is that I feel incredibly blessed (and a tad bit spoiled) to have gone through such an exhilarating and peaceful experience. I could not ask for anything better.


P.S. While on the ship, I had the best crush on our head waiter. He was so sweet, polite and incredible sly. It is only natural for me to have the silliest crush on a man who I may never see again...sigh.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Late California Post

It has been a bit hectic these past few weeks; working six days a week has me constantly on the go and leaving little time for personal endeavors. As a result, I'm still working on the photos from California (although I'm almost ready to upload them very soon I swear!). Seeing how I got back on the 27th of July, I would say this is a late post on my trip to California...but here it goes:

Ten days in a foreign place full of sunshine and positive energy. Initially, I was hesitant--to say the least--about staying at my cousin's house for ten days but that worry was quickly erased when I realized that the environment was too unbelievably peaceful to acknowledge the negative emotions. I was so pleased to know that the beach was only two minutes away from her place and from her living room window I could see the blue waters. The lifestyle I led for those ten days were more than I can ask for; waking up early to make breakfast burritos, going out for a run along the beach and nodding to other fellow runners, smelling the ocean water and feeling that cool summer breeze made me forget whatever worries I ever had. But most importantly, my mind had been quiet and it allowed for me to reflect on my lifestyle back in the noisy, chaotic city. The lifestyle in California sharply contrasted the one I led in Toronto. In the city, I was constantly looking for things to do to fill up my time and I never felt how tired I truly was until I had the chance to breathe. Ten days to breathe and I had the chance to acknowledge the level of exhaustion I was at. And that is when I knew I had to be more conscious of my body, health and spirit. My mind investigated the different aspects of my current life situations.

The biggest situation was the most difficult, most recent and most sensitive. My decision to lose my little one was devastating and even to this day, thinking about it leaves me in a state of disbelief. I yearn to have that feeling again; to feel the connection and know that I was blessed with the best gift ever. And despite knowing all of this, I knew I made the right decision. I'm still slowly accepting my decision and while I may never be completely over it, I know that experience has made me an even stronger and more caring person. I have come to accept the fact that I will not be fully over my decision or the situation itself for a real long while--but that is alright with me.
Being alone with my thoughts also made me understand that I am more than ready to start fresh with new adventures. I am yearning for some new change(s) to help me push past old regrets and current worries. I am way too excited about my future and the multiple new challenges that are coming my way. I am all too ready to keep growing up and having my own adult life.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Another Chapter

I suppose I could have seen it coming but nothing hits you harder than reality itself: when personal worries are solidified through a third party's confirmation.

It felt surreal to sit in a small room and listen to each professional talk to us and the next steps toward treating her disorder. Across from us sat a pediatrician, a nutritionist and last but not least, a psychiatrist. On one side was my sister and on the other, my parents, squished onto one couch. And then I heard his voice tremble, long pauses in between his sentences and I knew what was happening. It was heart-wrenching to see such a strong human being crumble in a matter of seconds. However, it made me understand how badly I want to be there for my family. I could not give up on her and neither could they. The news we received today was shocking--there is no doubt about that--but it also helped me to understand that this is exactly where I need to be in my life. That my purpose consists of being part of the support system she needs. I'm exhausted, drained, flabbergasted yet extremely ready to tackle this new challenge.

Suddenly I see the tangled complexity of the multiple disorders and I know it will not be an easy task to help her untangle such a mess. The emotions will run high, the stress will cause tension and more tears will be produced during this crucial process of recovery but I have faith in her. The very thought of her slipping; imagining her rapidly falling downhill is frightening and only wants me to help her more.

Those with family members diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (AN): I commend you all because this battle is difficult, straining and energy-draining. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


There are some things I continuously take for granted.

Luckily, I am reminded daily of what I take for granted. This reminder resides within the home. With a physically ill mother and a mentally ill sibling, it does not take too long for me to find myself grounded once again. And while there are strenuous and terrifying moments, my own personal life has been growing and success has been blessing me. I have nothing to say because my life has become so simple and harmonious. It took me a while to cut out the unnecessary drama, people, and physical things. It took too many mistakes for me to recognize what my own actions were doing to myself. But now, I am in a good place; I am suddenly motivated to better myself, to push myself beyond my comfort zone and devoted to whatever I am doing. Emotionally, I am healing--that I accept and admit. But it is not the prospect of healing and feeling better that has me smiling. Rather, it is the effort I am putting forth to allow myself to properly heal. I am in such a better place. I am.

I used to think that believing that things will get better is the best (and most optimistic) way to approach a rough situation. However, now I can say that it is not the optimistic beliefs but the awareness of the situation that provides the comfort. To know and to accept provides more comfort than any other optimistic approach possible. I learned to stop focusing my thoughts on the future because it would only give way to another stream of "what ifs" and "maybes". My consciousness is growing to allow myself to also grow emotionally healthier.

In other words, I cannot complain. My life is simplistic but never boring.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012


With only 2 days left until my cousin's wedding, I was feeling the pressure to really find a new dress. And that I did (finally)! It amazes me how such a small task, such as purchasing a suitable dress, could feel so daunting and almost horrendous. It also made me understand how powerful our minds are over our physiological health.

On that note, my mum has had trouble sitting up today; her core has weakened drastically over the past year and her health has acted as a constant reminder for me to continue to live a healthy lifestyle. Because I have begun to take better care of my body, both inquiry and love have grown tremendously. I strive to better myself and by doing so I have begun to focus a lot less on relationships; companionship is always welcome but my yearn for a romantic relationship has diminished. Rather, I have found myself trying to heal my mind from those past relationships. I am unsure of whether this sudden change in desires is due to what had happened previously but I know that the thought of meeting someone new--romantically--no longer concerns me. In fact, reflection has led me to the conclusion that those romantic flings I had in the past were mere illusions. I had tricked myself into believing that I adored that man for good reasons but the split had little effect on me. No heartache ensued nor did I cry. That is how I know I was simply allowing myself to be admired because I was losing sight of what I truly needed to fill in those empty gaps. I truly thought that I was content with our relationship when really, I was feeling a sense of increasing emptiness with the self deceit I so easily created.

And today, rather than letting myself slip back into that self-illusion, I am letting myself dwell into inquiry over my life and life itself. I am differentiating the difference between this internal and external world so that I can easily distant myself from the chaos I create myself. By doing so, I no longer yearn for temporary harmony. Instead, I yearn for absolute harmony and love to grow internally to feed into the lives of those around me.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012


It has just been over a month since it has happened. How I managed to endure the emotional strains and the constant reminders? I cannot even answer that because the healing has just begun. I know deep within, that I will always remember what I had done and who was involved. Will this haunt me? I don't think so. However, it will continue to stick with me until the very end. I believe in coping and acceptance. It is something I continue to strive for everyday. No, I do not cry every night anymore nor do I curl into the fetus position and just lie there. I have the energy, the motivation, to go on about my day. I could not feel more blessed to be living the life I am creating. And because I feel so darn grounded these past few days, the emotional struggles feel a little more tolerable and a little less strenuous.

However, I know that as a result my decision, I have isolated myself from many. I have become self-absorbed and felt such a strong desire to find answers and "fix" myself". But I am beginning to see how wrong I am to want to "fix" me. There is no need. Rather, I need more time to heal, and learn that acceptance comes from within. The answers I search for cannot be found: they can only be experienced. Letting myself go is one of the best things I can do for myself. I want nothing more these days then to feel the slow, steady rhythm of my internal healing process.

Treating my body well is the one thing I can focus on.

Saturday, June 9, 2012


Currently feeling sleepy from last night's event, I sit here and wonder about my life experiences. They have led me to this point in my life and it feels so surreal at times. As John Mayer's new album plays in the background, I am writing today with a heavy heart and nostalgic mind. Troubles feel lighter, but hover in the air, like early morning fog. I don't recall alcohol tasting so bitter. It has never made me feel saddened by life but now, it has become a reminder of my past troubles with it; I was turned into a shameful small creature--it was my best (and only) crutch. But that was then, and this is now.

The faint aroma of jasmine incense helps me concentrate. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of heaviness. My emotional load keeps me grounded but it has not been too much of a burden. Because I have let myself slip multiple times, I have learned that the best cure (for me) is to let my emotions run their course. Resistance only causes more tension and counteracts the very reason for the emotions which arise in certain situations. Sometimes I feel like I am learning too much in such a short period of time that it hurts to feel all the conflicting emotions boiling within.  But one can only learn to be wise, to follow your instincts and believe that there is purpose in every breath made.

Monday, May 28, 2012



Sometimes, I find myself given a situation which tears my heart apart as it pushes me to question my own morale. Today I was blessed with a present but given my current circumstances I cannot enjoy this gift for too long. I will have to make the tough decision of parting with you, my babe. I understand the controversy over such a delicate matter but I cannot possibly bring you into a world in which I cannot give the very best to you. As heart wrenching as it is for me, I must go through with it. I was careless and I am no more intelligent than you. Babe, I know you'll forgive me for not carrying through with my responsibility.

For the next week, I will cherish this special experience and love my body as much as I can. I know you are listening and you can understand what it means for me to leave you babe. Just know you'll always be my first. It has only been a few weeks but I already feel attached to you. I can sense your presence from within and how precious you are to me. It is an unfortunate event. Some may judge me for it but I do hope, babe, that you understand me.

Always and forever,


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I Once Made a Man Cry

I once made a man cry. It was near midnight and the dim streetlights made his tears glisten. He stared at me with such intensity as he spoke, lips trembling. People passed, unaware (or ignorant) of the way my words hit him. We sat side by side, still, on the cement planter box. My arms rose, only to find themselves embraced around my own body: I had to give myself the love I deserve. There was something about the midnight air which made my thoughts blur. The cold stirred all sorts of selfish emotions. Or maybe it was the alcohol. He spoke of the way I pushed him away and how it worked so effectively; he spoke of the resistance I create when we are together; he spoke of the way he adored me. I listened in silence. My response was a laugh. It was the laugh that crawled out of your throat slowly because nothing else seemed any more appropriate. It was the uncontrollable laugh which traveled to his ears and forcefully pushed down his throat until he could no longer breathe properly. It was a lethal nervous laugh.

I once made a man cry.

No, my truth made a man cry.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The Month of April

As April comes to an end, nostalgia embodies each passing thought. Familiar emotions hang in the air and repetitive actions are carried out. Slow, quiet morning lattes soothe the mind, stroking the wild and violent thoughts. Unfamiliar music plays and distracts throwing my thoughts off on a tangent, allowing a temporary escape. Strangers walk in and out, right and left; the unfamiliarity keeps me grounded as I focus my attention on the environment. Gray, quiet days have outnumbered sunny, loud ones as solitude called out my name this month. Many have seen me but I have seen too few. It seems like loneliness hits the hardest when our thoughts begin to distant themselves, detaching themselves from the physical body. Sometimes, I feel myself feeling more and more lonely but I direct my attention back to the endless stream of thoughts and I am suddenly better.

Goodbye turbulent April, I welcome May with open arms.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Last Moments

Bob Dylan stopped playing and the sound of our breaths was all that could be heard. Light turned to dark as we laid there, calm and naked. The streetlights sent a glowing stream of light through the window highlighting the contours of our bodies. Holding hands, we laid on our backs, and whispered small confessions. You told me that this was the most relaxing relationship you have ever experienced. I smiled through the tears that slowly ran down my cheeks. You said that every time I cried it was perfect because it indicated the intensity and importance of your words. You wiped them away as I told you of my childhood, my fears of him and the changes I have witnessed these past two months. In that still and peaceful moment, we weaved a memory I could never replace.
 o o o o o

Despite who we grew to become and who we grew to  become for each other, my emotions wandered and my thoughts were overwhelmed with old feelings for past interests. This is my confession as a human being, lost with the confusion I tried so hard to hide. That night--seven months ago--came back to haunt me as his face reminded me of what had happened. The initial intrigue rose to the surface of my mind and it got a tight hold of me. We kissed and I could not stop, like I was waiting for that exact moment ever since the very first day we met.

Talking on the phone was painful. I was full of guilt and I still had not fully processed everything that had happened. I did not know he had talked so highly of me and I also did not know the two men had talked about me either. The silences dragged out and I felt my stomach drop as he expressed his feelings. He was so kind, so generous, that it only hurt more.

 I have nothing but the deepest respect for him.

Seeing him in person left me trembling as we ran for shelter from the rain.
His eyes had never been so blue and being so close to him had me at my knees.
The tears welled without control as he spoke. I handed him the key and he took it in hesitation.
I felt small and regretful.
I could not look into his eyes.
He told me he deleted my number but it was of no use: he remembered it by heart.
He had seen me looking so sad walking past him, that he could not help himself from running out to talk to me. He did not understand why he did it.
We leaned in for one last embrace and it seemed to have lasted longer than our past hugs.
I shook in his arms and I could not move. Once he unlocked his arms around me, it would be over and it hurt to know that.
Before he left me standing there, he said that he wished he did not have his key in his pocket right now.

My key chain feels empty without his key.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

To be affectionate

The more I continue to observe and allow myself to be, the more I believe life is carefully weaved to create beautiful interactions between people. We meet each stranger, each lover and each enemy for a reason; a relationship between two people is understandably complex yet the interconnectedness in this universe is alarmingly simple.

I bring the idea of connections and perfect timing for a reason. At a time of drastic emotional changes and self-growth, I have had the opportunity to create closeness between old friendships and create distance between those who are of no importance. And through another turning point in my life, I have met a man. A man who once intimidated me turned out to be the perfect man to teach me lessons in intimacy. At a time when a group of the closest people need my emotional support most, he is--simultaneously--showing me how to outwardly express my love for them. He is leading me in a foreign dance; he takes two steps as I follow with one.
He is patient and persistent.
He is kind yet forceful but never cruel and distant.

I have been going through my young adult life with very few lessons in love and relationships. I kept experiencing cycles of hurt and fear. However, it is not too late and I suppose it is finally time for me to learn this hard lesson. But, ironically, it is not difficult at all. In fact, it is so pure, so innocent and so calming, I realized fear was what fueled the negative emotions I marked as love. There is no love in fear and I am learning that now. So here I am, witnessing what it is like to show affection and to receive it whole-heartedly.


His collection of useful clutter.

Unfinished ceiling and a leaf


Note: When I talk about love, I am not talking about a love between two partners. In fact, I know I am nowhere near love. However, I am learning how to love a human being through a dating scenario. And I am content. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Not Quite Whole

Hello bloggers,

It has been so long since I have updated my blog but many things have kept me from properly posting a blog-worthy post.  These past two months have been a test of inner strength and perseverance, forcing me to believe and have more faith in the self.  But even now, I am (still) full of contradictions and a pattern of incongruent thoughts arise frequently.  However, spirituality has made a large impact on the way I handle life situations.  I am forever grateful for learning how to become more present and allow many minor situations to slide.  I have been taught through my current situation(s) to accept my emotions and embrace it with little or no resistance. Sometimes I struggle to deal with the negative emotions but I do my best. It's always easier said than done isn't it?

I recently stumbled upon the serenity prayer, originally written by Reinhold Niebur:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."
Acceptance has been such a vital action for me. It has proven to be a healthy decision too.  However, as much as one accepts, it is in that moment of smiling--despite a bitter event--which indicates the reality of my forward motion. Paired with this mentality, I am fortunate enough to have a role model to guide me through rough emotional times. Recently, he has been the one who I would go to to talk about my current state of being. The other day, he asked me how I was and I answered by revealing the various situations I was dealing with.  However, he made me realize that I had not answered how I was. Me. Just me. And that made me think: What is my current emotional state? Do I always consider the effects of others and take it as my own emotional state? It was one of those "ah hah!" moments. And the more I thought about it, the more I understood what he meant. And my answer? I truly don't know. The moment of not understanding your own feelings is pretty frightening.

I still do not have the answers I want but I am on my way to finding them. In the meantime I can only put energy into self-awareness into my own emotions and actions. In the end, the highs and the lows will balance themselves out. That I am sure of.



p.s. Hot yoga, swimming and jogging has really helped the physical and the mental.