from tumblr:

happy holidays

Sorry for this late post. I was caught up with family festivities!

So my Christmas consisted of our annual secret santa but our punishment for guessing the wrong person? Eat half a clove of garlic. Needless to say I believe I STILL taste the garlic in my mouth this morning. Each year is a different punishment; what can I say? My family is oddly creative (and evil). Made gorgeous linzer cookies in the morning and went over to my aunt’s for our family Christmas dinner. Overall it was a darling night if you don’t count the fact that someone shot a BB gun and it hit my aunt’s kitchen window scaring the crap out of everyone.

An email I received:

"I was fully tearing up with each word. I don't deserve any of that love, and I don't think I can live up to it either :$ If anything, you are the inspiration to me, you take everything that comes your way with such wisdom to overcome, and it really moves me. I love you so much and I know that God has so many wonderful blessings coming your way. You are filled with energy and this zest for life thats so contagious, I love spending time with you, and just bumping into you makes my day. I hope that life keeps shining in your direction, proving to you that it can and will get better, because I believe that, and I know that you are too precious that mediocre things will inevitably pass by to make way for the extraordinary.. and that's a blessing in itself. Keep being you, because with just your presence you will continue to light up the hearts of all your loved ones during this Christmas season and always :) and never forget that I am here for you; always.

may Happiness, Joy, and Peace continually pour in.
Love you loads sweetheart,
M"

I cried when I read her email. I feel extremely blessed to have her as a friend.

Feeling It

I am back! Thank you for those who have checked up on the site once in a while. It means a lot when I see that people still visit this blog even though it's been inactive for a bit. But like I said before, it was just a short break...and now I'm back!
So here is my first post-break entry:

It was a quiet night; casual conversations were thrown across the table, questions directed at everyone but it remained quiet between the two of us. He was rude, disgusting but I bit my tongue and remained silent. It was abnormal, our behaviour was not natural towards each other and only quick glances were exchanged.

The only part of the night which felt like everything was normal was when I strayed away from the girls and wandered into the fishing aisle. I was casually looking at fishing bait when I turned around and he was there. We talked like nothing ever happened, we joked, we teased. And then as quickly as it started, it ended twice as fast. Saying goodbye wasn't hard; a hug and an exchange of "merry christmas!" and that was it.

I didn't feel much.
I'm not sure how to feel about it.
I guess this is goodbye without a proper closure.

Hiatus

I think I need a break. Writing has been more upsetting than relieving and that's a huge problem. I don't want this place to become a burden so that is why I need a small break from here. I will continue to write but it'll most likely be in my Moleskine journal. Everytime I try to post something here, it's ended up either as another draft or I get so frustrated over the disorganization that I type.
When one thing that usually calms me down becomes irritatingly difficult. That's a bad sign.

So, I will be back, promise.
I just need a break from here.
I don't want to feel obligated to post; I want to continue to post here because I enjoy it.
So, goodbye for now and hopefully this break is only a very brief one.

Love,
T

I felt it flutter

and I do not plan to do a thing.

phone update

She had her surgery this morning and it went really well. She's now resting and going back tomorrow to do a checkup. It was nice to hear their voices.
It was such a relief to hear her voice.

It'll be okay.

email update

Finally heard back from them this morning; I received an email from my cousin who I assume is taking on the role as messenger.

She had an MRI done and it looks like her left jugular is so blocked that it is dripping. What a scary thought. Anyways, she's having the surgery done this morning (7am LA time) and she'll be staying in the hospital three to four hours after surgery.

I'm taking deep breaths as I patiently wait for the results and for them to come home.

home alone

They left early this morning and I never had a chance to say goodbye. I hope all goes well even though I don't even know what to expect. I'm so worried and I truly hope everything goes smoothly. An operation is an operation after all.

Everyone is calling and checking up on me to make sure I'll be okay in terms of meals and stuff but I am pushing them away. I appreciate their offer(s) but if I don't ask for help, I truly don't believe I need it. I'd rather tough it out than ask for help from family. I don't know why, I just feel so bitter. I am putting on the best tough face I've got and I've never tried so hard to do so. It's usually easy for me. I feel like I'm breaking and something is missing. Something so big, that its absence is being missed as I type this. It leaves me with some empty feeling I cannot explain. But it's there. I feel it.

I guess I've chosen to be alone and independent for so long that it's starting to get real lonely. I want a hand to hold, a body to hold under the warm sheets away from the cool winter draft. I miss the smile that would make me shiver with excitement and the voice that could lull me to sleep.
I miss many things I've never shared with someone before.

These days, I've been craving for something to happen. Something that will spark a new light within me.
I'd like another beginning.

to just feel.

Sensitive. It's what I am.

I cry during cheesy love stories and weep over other people's pain. I allow myself to feel all sorts of emotions because it's what I grew up with, it's all I ever let get close to me. I was never comfortable with people around me and objects never made me feel safe. I always held back and I never let go. I escaped reality through books and the silence which filled my mind. I grew up with so many people but I never felt like I was a part of the circle. I was on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because of this which heightened my senses to all things emotional. I take comfort in knowing that I have my emotions to keep me warm and secure. I grew through what I felt and I always felt like it was the best way to live. I never doubted my heart even though my naivety has led me through a slew of experiences.

And now,
I've let my emotions get the best of me and it's led me to feel so many things which has led to many downfalls.
No, I still believe the emotions I feel are the best things I have got. It's led me to become more open-minded and I am grateful for that. Feeling has become second nature to me; I romanticize the beauty and the tragic, I over-analyze things I shouldn't and I still believe.

I think this is a whole lot of rambling but I guess all I'm really trying to say is that I am glad I feel.
Feeling leads to experiences, ideas and creativity.
I don't regret expressing these feelings nor do I feel compelled to explain myself anymore; I have no shame in knowing that I am more sensitive than others.

update:

I'm usually a very patient woman and I can wait for an hour at the doctor's office without a word of complaint but this is really testing my patience.
It was only a simple question and it has left me waiting for what seems like twenty days (and in case you are wondering, it has only really been a day...). Everyone keeps reassuring me that he'll call or get in contact with me soon. "Just give it time" is what I keep getting but when one is trying to make a small dream of their's come true, it is VERY hard to keep still. Please trust me on that and bear with me with my paranoia . This is just really getting to me. Now, I don't want to start counting the days so I guess I shall try to turn to my hectic schedule for comfort. How ironic!

On another note, I am developing some kind of little cold where it starts with a sore throat and now, the cough is slowly creeping in. Oh, how I hate being sick! ...and due to my weak immune system, it takes me so long to actually go back to my 100% self. \

Okay, off to another topic: My T.A. in my anthropology class hinted that I could get an A for my essay. I was, of course, ecstatic because I haven't seen that letter grade in god knows how long. Thing is, anthropology isn't even my major which is a little concerning...at least I'm not doing terribly in my kine classes either. Third year is proving to be one of my better years. I can only hope that my grades don't slip when it comes to the winter term--when my schedule if the schedule from hell.

Anyways, this isn't some fancy post where I delicately play with words. It's just a plain old update because--to be honest--i am just too tired and lazy to really take any words and string them together in fear that I may butcher any sort of meaning I try to convey.

Much love,
T