Thursday, February 14, 2013

Unexpected surprises

Two evenings ago, we were laying in his bed and catching up on each other's days.  Suddenly he had this look on his face and he stared right at me. I was mid-chuckling when I noticed and suddenly the room filled with a long silent pause. My heart was beating fast; his eyes told me he was thinking of something important and was on the verge of telling me. I recall his green eyes sparkling right before and out of nowhere he blurted out, "I love you".

I take these three words seriously. I don't say it without meaning it so those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was speechless, I couldn't even crack a joke about it (not saying I would...).  I looked straight into his eyes and I found my answer: he was very serious about his feelings. However, I knew I could not return those three words, at least not now. I'll continue to follow my heart; I know that when the time is correct, I will be able to say it with no hesitation.

I'm grateful for the people in my life, early morning yoga, sunshine and all the love in my life.

Monday, February 4, 2013

My Story of Guilt

Guilt is a tricky emotion. It can either hit you instantly or creep up on you. I have unknowingly felt guilt for over a year now (if not more). I had no idea guilt was the drive to some of my bad decisions, for my negativity and for my inability to stop the drinking and binge eating. I had no idea why I was doing the things I was doing but it got me into some personal troubles and strained the relationship between my parents and I. Eight months ago, I began to learn to recognize the guilt that would arise when I would go out with friends or escape for a few hours to have some Me-time. It ate me up from the inside out and I would feel even more stressed after going out. I didn't get it. I would spend hours wondering why I was not feeling any better. But it suddenly struck me that I was never fully devoted to the Me-time I gave myself; I was constantly worrying about when I should go home, whether I should go home early, how can I drag out my time outside of the home etc. (the list was endless).

Despite swimming, jogging and occasionally practicing yoga, I still was tired. I tried to get the seven to eight hours of sleep too but nothing seemed to be helping me ease the stress, the worries. I was stuck. But I was trying; I was determined to get out of this rut and slowly, after turning to the right people and erasing the past, I begun to feel a slow but definite change in my state of mind. I was reading books, meeting new people and expressing gratitude. These small changes in the way I was thinking (on top of physical activity), helped me understand the way guilt worked. It was the root of my distress! And today, I can accept that I have been living with guilt all this time. I feel better just knowing this.

So now what? I have recognized this little seed of guilt and I things are slowly falling into place: I am exercising more often, I am motivated to eat better and drink less. I am more loving and more forgiving. It seems like once you get to the root of your negativity, the positive begins to fall into place. I am enjoying this journey of change and I will continue to embrace it. I know it will always be something I will have to work on and find a balance between Me-time and my family obligations but it will come slowly.

There is no end, only a journey until the very end.

Stop for a few minutes and ask yourself what is really making you upset? When you can live in stillness, you can begin to see a lot.