Lazy Sunday

This morning was a pleasant one; woken up by a humorous text message from a dear friend, it had started out positive and sweet. Each day, I am finding myself falling in love with life's little gifts. I feel blessed. This morning, I watched the sky turn from grey to a bright sunny yellow; it filled the kitchen with this powerful energy, as it began to lightly snow. It was incredible to watch.

My baby succulents are beginning to grow again too. I was afraid that they would not last this winter but they are thriving and looking healthier than ever. And as this Sunday slowly passes, I am grateful for being strong, independent and rational (for the most part). And while I was disappointed that I will not be able to see him today, I am still smiling because I know these all are a part of life.

Wishing you all a peaceful and lazy Sunday.

Cheers,
-t

07.11.2012

There are some things I continuously take for granted.

Luckily, I am reminded daily of what I take for granted. This reminder resides within the home. With a physically ill mother and a mentally ill sibling, it does not take too long for me to find myself grounded once again. And while there are strenuous and terrifying moments, my own personal life has been growing and success has been blessing me. I have nothing to say because my life has become so simple and harmonious. It took me a while to cut out the unnecessary drama, people, and physical things. It took too many mistakes for me to recognize what my own actions were doing to myself. But now, I am in a good place; I am suddenly motivated to better myself, to push myself beyond my comfort zone and devoted to whatever I am doing. Emotionally, I am healing--that I accept and admit. But it is not the prospect of healing and feeling better that has me smiling. Rather, it is the effort I am putting forth to allow myself to properly heal. I am in such a better place. I am.

I used to think that believing that things will get better is the best (and most optimistic) way to approach a rough situation. However, now I can say that it is not the optimistic beliefs but the awareness of the situation that provides the comfort. To know and to accept provides more comfort than any other optimistic approach possible. I learned to stop focusing my thoughts on the future because it would only give way to another stream of "what ifs" and "maybes". My consciousness is growing to allow myself to also grow emotionally healthier.

In other words, I cannot complain. My life is simplistic but never boring.

07.04.12.

With only 2 days left until my cousin's wedding, I was feeling the pressure to really find a new dress. And that I did (finally)! It amazes me how such a small task, such as purchasing a suitable dress, could feel so daunting and almost horrendous. It also made me understand how powerful our minds are over our physiological health.

On that note, my mum has had trouble sitting up today; her core has weakened drastically over the past year and her health has acted as a constant reminder for me to continue to live a healthy lifestyle. Because I have begun to take better care of my body, both inquiry and love have grown tremendously. I strive to better myself and by doing so I have begun to focus a lot less on relationships; companionship is always welcome but my yearn for a romantic relationship has diminished. Rather, I have found myself trying to heal my mind from those past relationships. I am unsure of whether this sudden change in desires is due to what had happened previously but I know that the thought of meeting someone new--romantically--no longer concerns me. In fact, reflection has led me to the conclusion that those romantic flings I had in the past were mere illusions. I had tricked myself into believing that I adored that man for good reasons but the split had little effect on me. No heartache ensued nor did I cry. That is how I know I was simply allowing myself to be admired because I was losing sight of what I truly needed to fill in those empty gaps. I truly thought that I was content with our relationship when really, I was feeling a sense of increasing emptiness with the self deceit I so easily created.

And today, rather than letting myself slip back into that self-illusion, I am letting myself dwell into inquiry over my life and life itself. I am differentiating the difference between this internal and external world so that I can easily distant myself from the chaos I create myself. By doing so, I no longer yearn for temporary harmony. Instead, I yearn for absolute harmony and love to grow internally to feed into the lives of those around me.

Cheers,
t

Everlasting

It has just been over a month since it has happened. How I managed to endure the emotional strains and the constant reminders? I cannot even answer that because the healing has just begun. I know deep within, that I will always remember what I had done and who was involved. Will this haunt me? I don't think so. However, it will continue to stick with me until the very end. I believe in coping and acceptance. It is something I continue to strive for everyday. No, I do not cry every night anymore nor do I curl into the fetus position and just lie there. I have the energy, the motivation, to go on about my day. I could not feel more blessed to be living the life I am creating. And because I feel so darn grounded these past few days, the emotional struggles feel a little more tolerable and a little less strenuous.

However, I know that as a result my decision, I have isolated myself from many. I have become self-absorbed and felt such a strong desire to find answers and "fix" myself". But I am beginning to see how wrong I am to want to "fix" me. There is no need. Rather, I need more time to heal, and learn that acceptance comes from within. The answers I search for cannot be found: they can only be experienced. Letting myself go is one of the best things I can do for myself. I want nothing more these days then to feel the slow, steady rhythm of my internal healing process.

Treating my body well is the one thing I can focus on.

moments

the subtle touch on my back as you walk by,
your grin lights your bright blue eyes
naked and exposed,
the way you walk across the room
your hands move slowly across my stomach,
caressing my ass
we are still, dark in the night.
I hear your soft groans as I place my hands
on your stomach.
Your rough beard brushes against
my lips,
neck,
shoulder,
cheek.
I smell the faint scent of cigarettes,
weed,
whiskey,
candles,
on your skin.

And sitting on your couch, we listen to your passion.
We exchange songs,
judge our own lives
settle for nothing but more
and explore our minds.
Praises,
disappointments;
we let ourselves go.
And Cosmo is near
watching human interaction
Curiosity remains.

Our laughs are in sync as you feed me your food
driving along the late night streets,
the driver believes we are happy
together,
wonderful,
whole.

These moments do not last,
but engrained in our memories.
we feel and love,
think and swallow
our purest thoughts.

Lessons to be Learned

Carissa Rae ft. Michael Alvarado - Sway (cover)

Sorry for the lack of better posts. It seems like these days pass by with no distinct markers to help me differentiate one day from the next. Lately, it has been a bit of a struggle for me to be productive because I seem to have hit a small rut. Emotionally, I am feeble and longing for something so much more. As much as I hate to admit it, I have been more than lonely; it is that nagging empty feeling deep within that echoes within my ribcage. 

I am learning a hard lesson in love. 

What is it about me that makes me too readily for love? Too easy to forgive and too hard to release? I am full of love and compassion but I need the right reasons to put forth that love. I put too much energy into one person and wind up exhausted. I have not learned from previous lessons because I am eager; young and naive, I jump forward without looking and quickly feel fear mid-leap. The overwhelming nervousness fuels my actions as I desperately try to gain back that control I gave away. 

But I am trying nonetheless.  I promise, I will never stop loving and work on self compassion.

Cheers,

-t

thoughts (fall)

The summer has passed and it seems like we’ve moved onto different lives. Humid summer days are long gone and cooler sunny days have arrived. New (and lingering) people arrive with the breeze as it brings in new chances and familiar feelings.

Busy days bring about careful planning and appreciated company. Rapid daylight contrasted with drawn out evenings. We curl up in thick sweaters and wool socks; fingers curled around large porcelain mugs, or the stem of wine glasses, allowing time to pass in a hazy daze. Our hair falls over our eyes  as we breathe out white smoke, our skin skin smells of cinnamon, candles scents, other herbs and coal. We make distinct sounds of rubber hitting concrete as us city dwellers travel along the streets.

These changes are slow and creep up on this large city. Sometimes too busy to acknowledge the change in seasons, we forget how to adjust. How can one even adapt if one does not expect? We breathe, in and out; in, out, in, out. But do we breathe with ease, or are the breaths short and rapid? Merely gasps.

We always forget the things we ought to never forget.

Light the Cigarette.

It is so cliché when I say this but my heart flutters at the sound of your voice. It trembles ever so slightly within its confined spaces of my ribcage. And the more time we spend together, the louder the beating becomes. The beating of my heart shakes my lungs; I just can’t ignore these physiological symptoms.

And when you smile, touch my hair and embrace me in those strong arms, I realize the intensity of my feelings towards you. You don’t make it easy when you become that gentleman I only about read in Jane Austen novels. Without hesitation, you pay for the pitcher, cover fees and my bus fare home; you treat us to a beer and you give me four of your cigarettes in a very sweet way. You take my granola bar and I take a bite out of your beef patty. You call me kid and you’ve told me numerous times that I’m fun and that I’m “alright”. I love the way you avoid using words that say too much and stick to simple words which mean the world to me. You say not many people can make you genuinely laugh and I have the ability to. You have that look of innocence yet you know so much about this world, this life. You admit to your faults but you continue to move on. Your honesty moves me deeply and the way you have look at me keeps me hooked.

But what touches me most? I know you listen. I know because you have brought up things I had said in the past—things even I have forgotten. And it is scary to hear my own words come from your mouth. You are the gentleman I have been searching for. The one who does not look the part but whole-heartedly plays the part. Ironically, we both do not believe in the conventional but we are both attracted to each other—at least I believe so. You enjoy jazz, you listen to records and you write novels under a pseudonym on a typewriter. You are generous and kind.

I am hooked: hook, line and sinker.

Happy Valentine’s Day

I was never sure of how to interpret this day.
I can state that my hatred for Valentine’s day is strong because it is commercialized and it points out those who are not in relationships. While I still believe in this, I’m going to approach this subject without bitterness because I realize that it’s actually a rare and precious day.

Strip away the sugar coated candy hearts, the red roses and the cards covered with bright red cartoon hearts. When you strip away the marketing aspect of Valentine’s Day you are left with couples—lovers—who proudly hold hands and shower each other with small kisses. I cannot say that this is something I enjoy watching, don’t get me wrong. In fact, I find public displays of affection incredibly uncomfortable and strange. But look at the number of smiles on people’s faces compared to an ordinary day. Admire the amount of love and appreciation we, as humans, are capable of. It’s overwhelming actually.

And then, there are those who are still single. Being one of them myself, I can tell you that the bitterness that one feels is understandable. You question what the fuck (pardon my French) is wrong with you and criticize the couples who walk past you. You wear a constant scowl on your face while you let the day pass. But let’s look at this differently: Valentine’s Day is about love but the term love covers many different emotions that stem from divine love—pure love. So if we forget the commercialized crap that the media shoves down our throat, and focus on celebrating love we have for people, does Valentine’s Day not become a valid “holiday” to celebrate? Who limited this day to romantic love? We are so caught up with “being in love” and imagining the “perfect” partner we forget the amount of love we are capable of feeling.

So let’s say cheers to love. Love is complicated because it is the emotion that can make you feel happy, euphoric, giddy and courageous; it can make you feel lonely, pathetic, jealous and depressed. And despite all of this confusion, it is so pure and so simple.

So whether you are taken,
single,
bitter,
angry,
jealous,
or floating on a cloud,
Happy Valentine’s Day!

_{(disclaimer: this post isn’t proof that i’m a super optimist. i’m just a single 20 year old trying to survive this day.)}

wishful thinking.

Tonight, the skies are clear. Not a cloud in sight, you can see each individual star shining on its own. Some closer to others, but all make up a visually stunning canvas.  The day was long and you hurt from the day’s unwelcome events. Your eyes are still red and they burn from the tears you finally cried. But you breathe in deep; the cold winter’s air feels so good inside your lungs, in substitute for the cigarettes you keep at the bottom of your bag. You are on your last one—finally. And you say it is your last pack but deep down, you are not sure whether you are strong enough to truly let go. They are unhealthy and at times they make you sick yet you hang onto them because there is not much that leaves you breathless and wanting more. You have been immune to the heartbreaks and emotional turmoil you put yourself through. Those cigarettes you smoke are not nearly as damaging as your own thoughts.

You breathe in several more times, taking in the silence that accompanies the night. Your warm breath turns into white wisps, and they swirl upwards towards the stars. Oh, those stars are small and so precious. You wonder whether they do the same but look downwards, at all the human beings. And somehow, the thought of you and the stars looking at each other is comforting. Because at least you know you are not alone tonight.

the lacking, the missing, the vanished

I still like hearing my name come from his mouth.
I still smile over the fact that I can make him laugh, that he finds me mildly amusing.
I adore the little questions he asks me once in a while.
I like the sound of his laughter and his childish enthusiasm for certain things.
His sense of humour is intriguing and his perspective on things is logical.

There are many questions answered but so many more unanswered. It feels like I’m seeing him more often than before and it makes me nervous. I do not go there anticipating the encounters but it still happens. I am trying my best to let go of these feelings because they are becoming more serious than I ever imagined. Feelings of confusion and frustration lay in between the feelings of happiness and excitement.

I am lost. I do not know what I want. He does not know the small joys he brings to my days and I am slowly growing tired of keeping it a secret. I am not sure whether I adore him or I adore the idea of liking someone; the small games we play and the exchange of smiles. I don’t know anymore.

one winter morning.

There’s nothing out of the ordinary on this Tuesday morning, nothing at all. It’s the same purple room, cluttered with objects which possess sentimental value (although those memories are fading). And lively jazz whispers from the speakers as a scented candle burns brightly in the corner of the room. My thoughts are as scattered as the clothes hanging everywhere in the room. And it’s all perfect. This is how I want to live for a while. I can see it. My imperfections create a comfortable world and nothing makes me happier than waking up to melodic jazz and apple cinnamon scents.

Monday Lattes.

Your smile seems genuine, in the dim lights of the cafe.
You pull off the best casual looks and I'm envious.
You look weary yet alive.

There's this game we play but we always get caught.
Once, twice, and then cover it with a smile.
I don't get tongue tied but I burn up because there's something about it all.
It feels rather surreal; I'm unsure of what to do.
But I've learned that I need to take it as it comes and work with what I have.

You've got my smiling and it's rather nice but let's just take it slow.

early morning

It seems so much easier to say that I had fooled myself into thinking that I had liked him. In the past, I had confused liking someone for the love of attention. As I sit here with a steaming cup of tea, I know it was so much more than that. We had both found a companion in each other. I remember that night when we aimlessly walked along Yonge. It was a true moment of appreciation where the silence that we created together was something beautiful. You made me realize good company is what we all want and it's hard to come by. It's easy to meet people. It's even easier to show them your fun side and drink and be merry. But what makes good company truly good is that they will appreciate the absence of conversation. They will enjoy those moments of silence and be comfortable with it.

You tire me.

Not the type of man to.

You gave me a dose of self-esteem I didn't think I could have. You made me feel a little more.
I allowed myself to take another risk because I didn't think you were the type of man to pull a disappearing act.

I was so wrong.
As soon as I tried to take one step closer, you ran a mile.
He made me feel like I was the one who did something wrong.
You're doing the exact thing.

I detest the guts of a coward.
I may not always allow myself to feel but at least I have the courage to admit it and face the fact.
You're gorgeous and I fell for every line and every touch.
But now I see through you and I'm truly disappointed.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next but I hope you find whatever you're looking for.
I'm slowly getting up on my own two feet so I can do the same.

I guess it's good luck to the both of us.