Thursday, August 9, 2012

Late California Post

It has been a bit hectic these past few weeks; working six days a week has me constantly on the go and leaving little time for personal endeavors. As a result, I'm still working on the photos from California (although I'm almost ready to upload them very soon I swear!). Seeing how I got back on the 27th of July, I would say this is a late post on my trip to California...but here it goes:

Ten days in a foreign place full of sunshine and positive energy. Initially, I was hesitant--to say the least--about staying at my cousin's house for ten days but that worry was quickly erased when I realized that the environment was too unbelievably peaceful to acknowledge the negative emotions. I was so pleased to know that the beach was only two minutes away from her place and from her living room window I could see the blue waters. The lifestyle I led for those ten days were more than I can ask for; waking up early to make breakfast burritos, going out for a run along the beach and nodding to other fellow runners, smelling the ocean water and feeling that cool summer breeze made me forget whatever worries I ever had. But most importantly, my mind had been quiet and it allowed for me to reflect on my lifestyle back in the noisy, chaotic city. The lifestyle in California sharply contrasted the one I led in Toronto. In the city, I was constantly looking for things to do to fill up my time and I never felt how tired I truly was until I had the chance to breathe. Ten days to breathe and I had the chance to acknowledge the level of exhaustion I was at. And that is when I knew I had to be more conscious of my body, health and spirit. My mind investigated the different aspects of my current life situations.

The biggest situation was the most difficult, most recent and most sensitive. My decision to lose my little one was devastating and even to this day, thinking about it leaves me in a state of disbelief. I yearn to have that feeling again; to feel the connection and know that I was blessed with the best gift ever. And despite knowing all of this, I knew I made the right decision. I'm still slowly accepting my decision and while I may never be completely over it, I know that experience has made me an even stronger and more caring person. I have come to accept the fact that I will not be fully over my decision or the situation itself for a real long while--but that is alright with me.
Being alone with my thoughts also made me understand that I am more than ready to start fresh with new adventures. I am yearning for some new change(s) to help me push past old regrets and current worries. I am way too excited about my future and the multiple new challenges that are coming my way. I am all too ready to keep growing up and having my own adult life.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Another Chapter

I suppose I could have seen it coming but nothing hits you harder than reality itself: when personal worries are solidified through a third party's confirmation.

It felt surreal to sit in a small room and listen to each professional talk to us and the next steps toward treating her disorder. Across from us sat a pediatrician, a nutritionist and last but not least, a psychiatrist. On one side was my sister and on the other, my parents, squished onto one couch. And then I heard his voice tremble, long pauses in between his sentences and I knew what was happening. It was heart-wrenching to see such a strong human being crumble in a matter of seconds. However, it made me understand how badly I want to be there for my family. I could not give up on her and neither could they. The news we received today was shocking--there is no doubt about that--but it also helped me to understand that this is exactly where I need to be in my life. That my purpose consists of being part of the support system she needs. I'm exhausted, drained, flabbergasted yet extremely ready to tackle this new challenge.

Suddenly I see the tangled complexity of the multiple disorders and I know it will not be an easy task to help her untangle such a mess. The emotions will run high, the stress will cause tension and more tears will be produced during this crucial process of recovery but I have faith in her. The very thought of her slipping; imagining her rapidly falling downhill is frightening and only wants me to help her more.

Those with family members diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (AN): I commend you all because this battle is difficult, straining and energy-draining.