release.

There was a time when I thought to myself, I'm so close to having what I've always dreamt of. And I really was. We had it made this summer but if I had known that college would change our relationship so drastically, I would have stayed far away from you. I had no idea moving away would cause you to be so distant and cold. You rarely keep in touch anymore. You did in the beginning but I don't know what you're thinking anymore. If I had only known...

You should have never kissed me. I shouldn't have allowed for your arms to rest so comfortably around my waist. I wish that night had never happened. Each day is is another reminder of the past and I absolutely hate it. This is another story with no ending. I am so tired of this same situation happening over and over again. This reoccurring pattern has me wondering if it's a personal problem that has me eventually driving every single one of them away.

It's not knowing. The fear in the unknown has me running from you.

first encounters

There were words I wanted you to hear but I never got the chance to whisper them to you.
You were so cold and foreign, marking those summer memories.

On the porch, you murmured words that didn't speak to my heart. They were old, tiresome thoughts that meant nothing. To be honest, it just wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted to clarify where we stood in each others lives. I do not want to feel like that old book on reserve.

Someone like you is hard to come by. I know that. But you make it hard for me to continue to wait.

You can say that I am being childish. Perhaps I am.
I just wished for words of reassurance; I wanted you to give me reasons to continue this. I needed them and I have been hoping to hear them from your own mouth. But it never happened.

When there are no more moves to be made is what I was told when I asked when it is appropriate to let go. I didn't understand at first. But I thought long and hard about this and I think I get it. I look back at the past few weeks and I asked myself whether I've done things to try to keep in touch. I would text him randomly once in a while, I would stay online in hopes that he might be online as well. I would sneak onto Skype just to see if he might be on but majority of the time, I would sign out in disappointment. Like I said earlier, I know he's a good guy but we all have faults and it's up to us to accept them and appreciate them. But his faults are pushing me further away. So much so that when he walked through my front door last night, I didn't recognize him.

I am getting tired of making excuses and only looking back on our summer together. I'm growing weary of pretending like this is fine--like I am fine. Summer romances are wonderfully magical but only until the chills of fall slowly cover the warmth of love.

I do not know where this is going to go.
I am not giving up on this.
I just am scared to let go.
But this feeling of needing to let go is growing stronger.
For my own sake.

Interesting...

Libra - September 20, 2010

Someone you've never met before who you find exceedingly attractive could pass you today. You might decide to go say hello and discover not only a physical attraction but an intellectual compatibility as well. Your feelings are probably reciprocated! If you're single, this attraction might be worth pursuing. If you're involved, at least you might make a new friend.

You may say that I'm silly for posting my horoscope for today. I don't take them all too seriously but astrology is a curious thing. Don't you think?

Falling and falling, continuously.

It's that strange closeness I get with a specific emotion. It's incredible how at home I feel when it enters my life again. As I get back into my routine, I can feel the old erase the new. It's not bad.

I am determined, studious, polite and whimsical.
I listen with growing patience.
I'm thinking so much everyday that I am mentally exhausted every night.
(I love it.)

I am okay with this sadness. It's almost soothing.
Somehow, it romanticizes the environment, every situation, every waking moment.
I have grown to embrace the one emotion I am most comfortable with.
I can walk side by side with it and know that it will always understand my every thought.

At this point, I do not know how much sense I am making to the average young adult. I do apologize if this post has left you with burning questions or has left you lost beyond belief. It was not my intention. I just cannot begin to describe exactly how I feel. I am only providing tidbits of who I am becoming.

I do hope you understand.

Pain can only take you so far.

It has been a day and a week since you have moved away (though it seems so much longer). We've exchanged short, quick text messages and one online conversation.

Nothing makes me feel more lonely than those insomniac nights.
They remind me so much of our summer together.
Although I miss you at times, I'm learning how to like you from a distance.
It's getting easier as each day goes by.
Your absence, replaced with memories, cheer me up.
It's the small things which continue to remind me of what we have (and had).

I know you're having a great time in London and I am so proud of you.
The fuzzy prospect of our relationship used to frustrate me but I'm starting to learn how to cope with it. I think I'm learning the concept of how to love someone from afar.

I can only be grateful for this new learning experience.

Our last goodbyes.

Through the drunken state that we were in, we finally shared that moment together.

It doesn't feel like you have left.
But I do miss you and I think about you often.

I can only hope that what we have now will last for a little bit longer.
The uncertainty is painful but I think we are both strong enough to endure the distance and time apart.

I have no words to describe how much of an impact he has made on my summer.