breathing is always the first step

I hate to be the bad guy in situations.

Yet, sometimes I know I have to in order to get my point across: that I love her. It is heart wrenching to see her gradually damage her body from starvation and for her anger to rise so strongly in those black eyes of hers. Her eyes are dull from the pain and guilt she holds onto so tightly.  I want her to see that I care for her but I am torn between what the right steps to take and which are the wrong ones; the choices which will take her further from me--from us.

And I see my dad who is the most persevering person I know. His sighs are sounds I hear more frequently and it hurts me to see him in a state of defeat. His aged, rough hands have found a place on his worn down, wrinkled face; his hands go over his eyes, covering what does not want to be seen. His ache resonates in my heart and I'm overwhelmed by the confusion and frustration he feels. I know we're in this together because we have silently vowed to make things right together. But I feel like I am watching a silent movie, with every painful emotion exaggerated to the fullest extent.  I keep replaying the same scene in my head and everytime it hurts a little more.

My mum looks so tired. She is the one who has suffered the longest. Her story can be read in her eyes too. Just as dull as my sister's and more tired than my dad's: she can tell you a tale of suffering. Her hair is streaked with grey and her back is hunched over as she has lost a lot of her strength to keep her posture erect. It is scary to see how quickly she has deteriorated these last five  years. It is the unknown rate of deterioration which has me feeling terrified of the near future. Not my future but ours.

I don't really know where this leaves me. I am doing what I can and while I know I will make a few rash decisions (and regret a few immediately after), I also know I will make some good decisions. It is all an experience to teach me a lot. It is a difficult lesson to sit through but I want to learn as much as I can out of all of this. I will stay hopeful, humble and honest. But most of all, I am praying for a immeasurable amount of love to give. To both myself and everyone I meet.

Cheers,
-t

07.11.2012

There are some things I continuously take for granted.

Luckily, I am reminded daily of what I take for granted. This reminder resides within the home. With a physically ill mother and a mentally ill sibling, it does not take too long for me to find myself grounded once again. And while there are strenuous and terrifying moments, my own personal life has been growing and success has been blessing me. I have nothing to say because my life has become so simple and harmonious. It took me a while to cut out the unnecessary drama, people, and physical things. It took too many mistakes for me to recognize what my own actions were doing to myself. But now, I am in a good place; I am suddenly motivated to better myself, to push myself beyond my comfort zone and devoted to whatever I am doing. Emotionally, I am healing--that I accept and admit. But it is not the prospect of healing and feeling better that has me smiling. Rather, it is the effort I am putting forth to allow myself to properly heal. I am in such a better place. I am.

I used to think that believing that things will get better is the best (and most optimistic) way to approach a rough situation. However, now I can say that it is not the optimistic beliefs but the awareness of the situation that provides the comfort. To know and to accept provides more comfort than any other optimistic approach possible. I learned to stop focusing my thoughts on the future because it would only give way to another stream of "what ifs" and "maybes". My consciousness is growing to allow myself to also grow emotionally healthier.

In other words, I cannot complain. My life is simplistic but never boring.

07.04.12.

With only 2 days left until my cousin's wedding, I was feeling the pressure to really find a new dress. And that I did (finally)! It amazes me how such a small task, such as purchasing a suitable dress, could feel so daunting and almost horrendous. It also made me understand how powerful our minds are over our physiological health.

On that note, my mum has had trouble sitting up today; her core has weakened drastically over the past year and her health has acted as a constant reminder for me to continue to live a healthy lifestyle. Because I have begun to take better care of my body, both inquiry and love have grown tremendously. I strive to better myself and by doing so I have begun to focus a lot less on relationships; companionship is always welcome but my yearn for a romantic relationship has diminished. Rather, I have found myself trying to heal my mind from those past relationships. I am unsure of whether this sudden change in desires is due to what had happened previously but I know that the thought of meeting someone new--romantically--no longer concerns me. In fact, reflection has led me to the conclusion that those romantic flings I had in the past were mere illusions. I had tricked myself into believing that I adored that man for good reasons but the split had little effect on me. No heartache ensued nor did I cry. That is how I know I was simply allowing myself to be admired because I was losing sight of what I truly needed to fill in those empty gaps. I truly thought that I was content with our relationship when really, I was feeling a sense of increasing emptiness with the self deceit I so easily created.

And today, rather than letting myself slip back into that self-illusion, I am letting myself dwell into inquiry over my life and life itself. I am differentiating the difference between this internal and external world so that I can easily distant myself from the chaos I create myself. By doing so, I no longer yearn for temporary harmony. Instead, I yearn for absolute harmony and love to grow internally to feed into the lives of those around me.

Cheers,
t

Everlasting

It has just been over a month since it has happened. How I managed to endure the emotional strains and the constant reminders? I cannot even answer that because the healing has just begun. I know deep within, that I will always remember what I had done and who was involved. Will this haunt me? I don't think so. However, it will continue to stick with me until the very end. I believe in coping and acceptance. It is something I continue to strive for everyday. No, I do not cry every night anymore nor do I curl into the fetus position and just lie there. I have the energy, the motivation, to go on about my day. I could not feel more blessed to be living the life I am creating. And because I feel so darn grounded these past few days, the emotional struggles feel a little more tolerable and a little less strenuous.

However, I know that as a result my decision, I have isolated myself from many. I have become self-absorbed and felt such a strong desire to find answers and "fix" myself". But I am beginning to see how wrong I am to want to "fix" me. There is no need. Rather, I need more time to heal, and learn that acceptance comes from within. The answers I search for cannot be found: they can only be experienced. Letting myself go is one of the best things I can do for myself. I want nothing more these days then to feel the slow, steady rhythm of my internal healing process.

Treating my body well is the one thing I can focus on.

moments

the subtle touch on my back as you walk by,
your grin lights your bright blue eyes
naked and exposed,
the way you walk across the room
your hands move slowly across my stomach,
caressing my ass
we are still, dark in the night.
I hear your soft groans as I place my hands
on your stomach.
Your rough beard brushes against
my lips,
neck,
shoulder,
cheek.
I smell the faint scent of cigarettes,
weed,
whiskey,
candles,
on your skin.

And sitting on your couch, we listen to your passion.
We exchange songs,
judge our own lives
settle for nothing but more
and explore our minds.
Praises,
disappointments;
we let ourselves go.
And Cosmo is near
watching human interaction
Curiosity remains.

Our laughs are in sync as you feed me your food
driving along the late night streets,
the driver believes we are happy
together,
wonderful,
whole.

These moments do not last,
but engrained in our memories.
we feel and love,
think and swallow
our purest thoughts.

thoughts (fall)

The summer has passed and it seems like we’ve moved onto different lives. Humid summer days are long gone and cooler sunny days have arrived. New (and lingering) people arrive with the breeze as it brings in new chances and familiar feelings.

Busy days bring about careful planning and appreciated company. Rapid daylight contrasted with drawn out evenings. We curl up in thick sweaters and wool socks; fingers curled around large porcelain mugs, or the stem of wine glasses, allowing time to pass in a hazy daze. Our hair falls over our eyes  as we breathe out white smoke, our skin skin smells of cinnamon, candles scents, other herbs and coal. We make distinct sounds of rubber hitting concrete as us city dwellers travel along the streets.

These changes are slow and creep up on this large city. Sometimes too busy to acknowledge the change in seasons, we forget how to adjust. How can one even adapt if one does not expect? We breathe, in and out; in, out, in, out. But do we breathe with ease, or are the breaths short and rapid? Merely gasps.

We always forget the things we ought to never forget.

Light the Cigarette.

It is so cliché when I say this but my heart flutters at the sound of your voice. It trembles ever so slightly within its confined spaces of my ribcage. And the more time we spend together, the louder the beating becomes. The beating of my heart shakes my lungs; I just can’t ignore these physiological symptoms.

And when you smile, touch my hair and embrace me in those strong arms, I realize the intensity of my feelings towards you. You don’t make it easy when you become that gentleman I only about read in Jane Austen novels. Without hesitation, you pay for the pitcher, cover fees and my bus fare home; you treat us to a beer and you give me four of your cigarettes in a very sweet way. You take my granola bar and I take a bite out of your beef patty. You call me kid and you’ve told me numerous times that I’m fun and that I’m “alright”. I love the way you avoid using words that say too much and stick to simple words which mean the world to me. You say not many people can make you genuinely laugh and I have the ability to. You have that look of innocence yet you know so much about this world, this life. You admit to your faults but you continue to move on. Your honesty moves me deeply and the way you have look at me keeps me hooked.

But what touches me most? I know you listen. I know because you have brought up things I had said in the past—things even I have forgotten. And it is scary to hear my own words come from your mouth. You are the gentleman I have been searching for. The one who does not look the part but whole-heartedly plays the part. Ironically, we both do not believe in the conventional but we are both attracted to each other—at least I believe so. You enjoy jazz, you listen to records and you write novels under a pseudonym on a typewriter. You are generous and kind.

I am hooked: hook, line and sinker.