It seems like I always go back to where I started. I will find myself running back to what is most familiar, most distant, and ultimately most safe. But what is safe is not always the ideal...nor healthy. I can tell myself every day that I have grown; that my inner strength is admirable and perseverance is undeniably there. And while there is truth in those statements, I know there is a long way to go. My life is a journey of healing and discovery as I continue to experience life situations. What I take from each situation will hopefully take me one step closer to--ironically--ceasing such linear thoughts.
And while I can emotionally feel a sense of calmness by cutting ties from all the intoxicating questions, I have one situation that lies its roots deep within my being. Every time I am close to entering an intimate relationship with someone, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy in being able to share thoughts with another human being. This joy is genuine and intense. But, hesitation creeps under it all and I feel myself create questions of doubt and regret. On one hand, I want to keep them as a friend--to confide in them and keep them close--but on the other hand, I do not feel prepared to handle a relationship. I want to help them, support them and keep them smiling but I am fearful of it getting too intimate. They become demanding and suddenly I want out. But, I can never detest their actions. I can understand that intimacy is a beautiful thing. The building of a relationship is precious and difficult--but so worth it. But I turn into a selfish being. One who makes excuses and pushes them away because I am "too busy" or "I just don't have the time". And once I move on, I find peace and with time, I feel ready again to start over because I have fooled myself into believing that I have matured. But perhaps I really have matured, and it has never been self deception. Then why do I keep entering such a vicious cycle? It puzzles me because it has become an instinct to back away once I feel them getting closer.
Despite this fear, I admire intimacy immensely. The close relationship between two people is fascinating and at times, exhilarating. I enjoy listening to people and helping people find themselves a little better too. Perhaps selfish but I want my energy to influence their energy. If there is anything I feel that is influential, it is our own energy we put forth into this universe. The world is so much more sensitive than we thought it is. Unfortunately, we forget about this and we spend our lives delivering negative energy through our self-destructing thoughts. But I digress.
I enjoy spending time with many people. And the ability to share tender moments with certain individuals is truly nothing short of a miracle. And yet, I will be honest and state that the personal time I spend alone is incredibly precious and peaceful too. To this date, I always feel more comfortable when there is no individual counting on me to be there as their girlfriend. I want to belong to people, but no one individual. That one individual should only be me. I should only belong to myself. No one else.