Saturday, September 15, 2012

I left you, for myself

As my 22nd birthday is coming around the corner, I am realizing that there is not a lot of time for us to adjust to the responsibilities which inevitably come with growing up. The transition from teenager to adult seems short-lived as we scramble to put ourselves on the right path. But the beauty in this process is that the people I care most for are doing the exact same thing. Seeing them figure out their own lives and getting together to complain about our personal worries is what is comforting. We are essentially doing the same thing, together, as one (the connectedness is clear and simple).

With all the stresses in life, it can be  difficult to stay grounded and not find yourself in a frenzy. However, I have discovered that with the right resources, it can be a little bit easier. I have to say, I have been blessed with some extremely extraordinary people who have given me some insight on life and, most importantly, myself. And these people continually come and go as I develop my own sense of peace and understanding.  I have put myself in situations where I was vulnerable to all sense of mischief and misery. I drowned myself in self-pity, self-loathing and participated in destructive activities. But, that was the past.

On the path to discovering a better lifestyle for myself, I have come a long way. However, coming a long way does not mean I'll be stopping anytime soon. Letting go has been such a freeing experience and it is only the first step in my goal of reflecting inwards. This inner healing is the closest, most personal activity I can do for myself and I absolutely love it. I have tried to find love and compassion by adopting the lifestyle of others, taking bits and pieces from the people I thought inspired me. But I was silly, naive and ultimately grew tired of pretending that I was "healing". Thankfully, I am learning; I am learning that healing begins with awareness and that is all I really have to do. And that is exactly what I intend to continue to do. I feel better today. And I hope to continue to feel better.

I was feeling down this past week but one morning this spark ignited within me. I suddenly felt so much love--out of nowhere--and it poured out of my own soul. I suddenly felt lighter, releasing the backpack full of rocks. I breathed in slowly and I breathed in deep.  Perhaps I sound rather optimistic and even slightly naive but I swear: the love I feel today is pure love for myself, my own existence and therefore the existence of those around me. For once, I had no doubt in the love I had for myself.

And that is an exhilarating feeling.

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