Not Quite Whole

Hello bloggers,

It has been so long since I have updated my blog but many things have kept me from properly posting a blog-worthy post.  These past two months have been a test of inner strength and perseverance, forcing me to believe and have more faith in the self.  But even now, I am (still) full of contradictions and a pattern of incongruent thoughts arise frequently.  However, spirituality has made a large impact on the way I handle life situations.  I am forever grateful for learning how to become more present and allow many minor situations to slide.  I have been taught through my current situation(s) to accept my emotions and embrace it with little or no resistance. Sometimes I struggle to deal with the negative emotions but I do my best. It's always easier said than done isn't it?

I recently stumbled upon the serenity prayer, originally written by Reinhold Niebur:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

Acceptance has been such a vital action for me. It has proven to be a healthy decision too.  However, as much as one accepts, it is in that moment of smiling--despite a bitter event--which indicates the reality of my forward motion. Paired with this mentality, I am fortunate enough to have a role model to guide me through rough emotional times. Recently, he has been the one who I would go to to talk about my current state of being. The other day, he asked me how I was and I answered by revealing the various situations I was dealing with.  However, he made me realize that I had not answered how I was. Me. Just me. And that made me think: What is my current emotional state? Do I always consider the effects of others and take it as my own emotional state? It was one of those "ah hah!" moments. And the more I thought about it, the more I understood what he meant. And my answer? I truly don't know. The moment of not understanding your own feelings is pretty frightening.

I still do not have the answers I want but I am on my way to finding them. In the meantime I can only put energy into self-awareness into my own emotions and actions. In the end, the highs and the lows will balance themselves out. That I am sure of.

Namaste.

-t

p.s. Hot yoga, swimming and jogging has really helped the physical and the mental.

the festive month

Hello bloggers,

Boy, it has been one hectic month and now the holidays are here! Unfortunately, this Christmas isn't so white and just plain cold; Christmas lights are dispersed as some houses did not bother to put up the lights this year. However, like every Christmas, I make it my favourite holiday as it becomes a time for generosity, peace and baking. I will save you the long post about how much I have learned this year and how I have grown but I do want to say that the acceptance of my life has been the theme this year. I have definitely changed a lot and I assure everyone that I will continue to do so. I will continue to be humble and become a more giving person. I intend to maintain relationships and commit to activities.

I hope all you bloggers out there have had a wealthy year, full of opportunities. May the new year bring you more happiness and positive changes. Happy holidays everyone!

Cheers,
-t

p.s. I have photos to post but I'll leave that for one gigantic photo post. Instead, here's one of me knitting. Hah!

Keep it coming

As some of you may know, I volunteer at a rehabilitation centre and I specifically work with patients who have had major brain injuries and strokes. Sometimes there are slow days where I walk around and there are only a few patients who need some attention. However, each time I go back, I am reminded of how lucky I am to be walking, eating with my hands and anything else we take for granted.  I am rewarded with a feeling of appreciation, as the nurses and patients loudly express how nice I am to give me time up to spend time with them and help them out wherever I can. And as selfish as this sounds, I am so happy to hear those compliments.

Today, I was introduced to a new patient who had memory problems. He was sarcastic and didn't have much to say; he stared at me like I was an annoyance more than anything else. But being stubborn and patient, I broke him. He started to listen to me and would open up a little bit more. By the end of my shift, I had him smiling at me all the time and I understood his odd sense of humour--it felt so good.

And at the end of the day, I know I have made a small difference--and that is all that matters.

Eggplant Spinach Lasagna

Initially a joke, I had promised a friend to make eggplant spinach lasagna--that was two weeks ago. However, I try my best to keep all promises, no matter how long they may take me. So naturally, I knew my first attempt at lasagna was in the near future. I finally got the courage to give it a go this morning and you know what? It wasn't so bad! The preparation took the longest, layering was a little too much fun and I may have added extra, extra cheese to it but hey, it looks pretty delicious if you ask me. My family is going to bake it for dinner tonight and hopefully I can drop off a small slice for my friend. Afterall, someone has to taste it before I give it to him right?!

Yes, I cheated and used canned tomato sauce.

The finished product!

Cheers,
-t

Tomato Basil Pesto Flake Pastry

I finally gave this recipe a try but rather than using a puff pastry, I decided to try a flake pastry. If I were to make this again, I think I would wrap it a bit better and perhaps add a few more tomatoes inside. Other than that, it was extra crispy and the basil pesto and tomatoes combined made for one tasty treat!

Cheers,
-t

Snippets

I've been so caught up with a whole bunch of academic and personal plans, I nearly forgot to upload the few photos I have taken of the meals I have made so far.  The other night, I decided to make a chicken salad; taking one glance at the leftovers in the fridge, I knew this would be one easy meal to make. I sliced up a bunch of green peppers, threw in some tomatoes, seasoned and grilled a chicken breast and grated some cheese on top and I made myself a delicious--and easy--meal! I paired it with a bottle of Shiraz and I knew I had a good night ahead of me.

And knowing that I had a family Thanksgiving dinner to go to, I wanted to bring a little something so I found this recipe online and gave it a go. Needless to say, it was a huge hit, and everyone loved it.

It's been rough but cooking things for myself makes things a little more bearable. Perhaps it is because you put a lot of effort into it and the outcome is selfishly rewarding (not to mention, you cure that growling stomach of yours!).

Cheers,
-t

moments

the subtle touch on my back as you walk by,
your grin lights your bright blue eyes
naked and exposed,
the way you walk across the room
your hands move slowly across my stomach,
caressing my ass
we are still, dark in the night.
I hear your soft groans as I place my hands
on your stomach.
Your rough beard brushes against
my lips,
neck,
shoulder,
cheek.
I smell the faint scent of cigarettes,
weed,
whiskey,
candles,
on your skin.

And sitting on your couch, we listen to your passion.
We exchange songs,
judge our own lives
settle for nothing but more
and explore our minds.
Praises,
disappointments;
we let ourselves go.
And Cosmo is near
watching human interaction
Curiosity remains.

Our laughs are in sync as you feed me your food
driving along the late night streets,
the driver believes we are happy
together,
wonderful,
whole.

These moments do not last,
but engrained in our memories.
we feel and love,
think and swallow
our purest thoughts.

Family can be so much more

This is just so darn adorable.

You see the way she looks at her dad? Gosh darn it.

Firsts: Asian Pesto Japanese Noodles

I apologize for the lack of posts! Thing's have been rather hectic and the fine balance between work, volunteer and a social life is rather difficult to handle. And now that I am home alone for the next two weeks, what better time to try new recipes? I admit, I am not known to be the chef in the household but I do enjoy it--I swear. Last night a friend of mine came over to accompany me for dinner and we decided to make this delicious Asian pesto noodle dish. I think I may have put in a little too much soy sauce but nonetheless it turned out better than I expected!

Yum?
I'll be trying more recipes throughout the next couple days so I'll be posting here more often. Stay tuned ladies and gentlemen.

Cheers,
-t

Laid

She laid there quietly, smiling, as she watched him gently wipe it off her stomach. They laughed as he wiped the last bit and stretched out beside her. They faced each other as they whispered secrets to each other while holding each other close. She was speaking with a tremble in her voice as she tried to express her feelings; he listened intently as he stared at her watering eyes. He paused before he spoke and propped his head up with one arm. He replied with certainty and told her to keep living, keep moving and never stop dreaming. He told her his stories of family, friends and aspirations.

He left the bed and walked over to the couch, naked. She leaned on the back of the couch as she watched his slow, graceful movements. They sipped their red wine and smoked a joint, building their friendship through strings of stories and emotions. He picked up his guitar and sung songs of heartbreak and yearning. She closed her eyes as she listened to his low, rough voice speak of true stories. Opening her eyes, she watched the subtle movements of his back muscles move with the strumming of his guitar. She watched him carefully, as he laid the guitar back down and slipped back into bed. She laid her head on his outstretched arm as she carefully placed her hand over his heart and dwelled in the silence within the apartment.

____________________________________________________________________

 She woke up to the soft sunlight which leaked in from the tops of the dark curtains. She turned to face him and studied his face; he had his long brown eyelashes, a crooked nose and small lips. The sound of breathing filled the room as he began to stir; his eyelids opened to reveal those bright blue eyes. Awake, but groggy,he immediately pulled her in towards him with one arm and he traced her hip bone with his finger. She placed one hand on his chest as she pressed her lips against his--no words were exchanged. She felt him grow and their hands fell to all the right places as they continued to kiss.

They walked to the couch and sat down as they conversed over minute things. He lit a cigarette and she watched the white smoke hover in the air, slowly moving towards her. He took another drag and offered it to her. She took it willingly and she parted her lips for a quick drag. Again, silence filled the room as they communicated through stares, touches and smiles.

It was a beautiful tragedy.