Wednesday, March 16, 2011


This afternoon I had pleasure of attending my anthropology lecture on marriage, both monogamous and polygamous marriages. Alright, it was far from pleasurable. I always had odd thoughts on marriage--any type of marriage. I was never the girl to fantasize about my dream wedding. I never dreamt about the perfect white dress and the glorious ceremony. No. My mind never fed me images of such fantastical things. I knew of the perfect white wedding but I never understood it.

I knew I was never comfortable with talking about marriage because I have tried to express my thoughts before and I received many strange, critical looks in return. I myself cannot fully describe my own thoughts and feelings towards this topic. I recognize it is not a light topic to begin with. It is tied in with religion, traditions, and a whole other culture. It deals with legal binds, promises, unexplainable forces which draw two people together. Marriage is incomprehensible for me; I do not understand the purpose, I see flaws and it is terrifying. I cannot speak of marriage without experiencing feelings of anxiety and confusion. How can I when I cannot comprehend the word? When I do not even have the answers? How can I calmly explain to someone my views on marriage if I am unsure of where my distrust comes from? I admit: my thoughts can be contradictory and lead me in full circles. I struggle with finding these answers for myself. I did not realize the extent of my fear and confusion in regards to marriage until I sat in lecture and began to feel uncomfortable. I felt violated in some sense because I was being presented with knowledge on marriage. It was as if marriage was being validated and this "fact" was being instilled of a non-believer. The room seemed to small, too hot, the lights too bright and it was hard to breathe. I ran out with cigarette in hand and took quick breaths.
I went back down and sat down in my seat.
Within fifteen minutes, it began again. The room, the lights, the air. I ran out and paced back and forth.

It was unbearable.

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