Thursday, March 17, 2011

a fright ending in shame

It only took one text to get my heart racing.

"We are at the doctors. Mum is not feeling well. They think there might be an inflammation in the brain or the spine."

In that moment I did not know what to do. Tears formed, breathing got harder. I knew I had class and I was ashamed of the tears that were falling. Taking a deep breath I tried to explain to him but I felt childish. With each word I paused and prayed nothing would spill. I managed and he understood but I felt that gaze. I know it too well. That gaze of pity and uncertainty. And I hated it. I hated myself for not being able to keep my composure and I hated him for giving me that look. I have heard "I'm sorry" too many times; when those exact words stumbled out of your mouth, I wanted to hide in shame.

You left me but with a few deep breaths, I walked in knowing that from now on, you will judge.
They always do.

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