Monday, January 10, 2011

silly children.

This afternoon, I realized how fortunate I am. I had a pleasant chat with an old friend this afternoon and she brought up a former schoolmate of mine. She told me that school was a struggle for her and she did not seem very enthusiastic about her family life. Aside from her boyfriend, she was not the happy chap I once knew. And this got me thinking.

Looking back, I remember my last two years of high school when I had fallen into what was probably my worst stage of depression. I lost hope in a lot of things I had once believed in and the most detrimental thing was I had lost confidence in myself. I did not believe that I was intelligent, I could not compare my looks to those young women who walked the hallways with no fear. I was losing a personal battle back in high school. I was struck with envy as I did not understand why I had to go through problem after problem; why did I have to understand the concept of death so early in life? Why was I forced to mature and take on so many responsibilities so early on? High school was a constant reminder of how carefree they all seemed to be and how stuck I was. Everyone was moving but I had fallen so hard that I found it excruciating to even try.

But now, it’s all different. I have come to accept my personal battles as life experiences that have taught me valuable, priceless lessons. My past problems are no longer problems because I have made them a part of my life. Although still not emotionally stable, I am more accepting of those feelings I used to want to hide. I understand myself a lot more and I recognize the steps I need to take in order to overcome my own depression. I am still in the learning process but I am very content with where I am. You might be asking yourself what this has to do with my former schoolmate of mine. Well, after hearing about how she is not content  with her academic life, I have come to realize one thing: that no matter what one goes through, life continues. To think that I used to envy her because she seemed to get all the men she was interested in, she was intelligent and received all the high marks she aimed for. But I no longer possess those naive and jealous thoughts. Instead, I empathize with her situation because I have felt those exact feelings and occasionally, I still do. I do not mean to say that my life is perfect in any way. In fact, it’s far from it but I do appreciate everything that I have gone through as they have acted as huge stepping stones to my present.

The real lesson here is that my jealousy for other’s lives are inevitable but that does not mean my life is not one I do not appreciate. I will always remember how fortunate I am to have a supporting family and loving friends. I will bask in my strange ability to attract the strangers that make up a large part of my social life. Above all, my life is for me to define, no one else can do it as well as I can.

1 comment:

  1. This resonates a lot right now for me.
    Awesome to read that you're feeling better about life.