Monday, February 4, 2013

My Story of Guilt

Guilt is a tricky emotion. It can either hit you instantly or creep up on you. I have unknowingly felt guilt for over a year now (if not more). I had no idea guilt was the drive to some of my bad decisions, for my negativity and for my inability to stop the drinking and binge eating. I had no idea why I was doing the things I was doing but it got me into some personal troubles and strained the relationship between my parents and I. Eight months ago, I began to learn to recognize the guilt that would arise when I would go out with friends or escape for a few hours to have some Me-time. It ate me up from the inside out and I would feel even more stressed after going out. I didn't get it. I would spend hours wondering why I was not feeling any better. But it suddenly struck me that I was never fully devoted to the Me-time I gave myself; I was constantly worrying about when I should go home, whether I should go home early, how can I drag out my time outside of the home etc. (the list was endless).

Despite swimming, jogging and occasionally practicing yoga, I still was tired. I tried to get the seven to eight hours of sleep too but nothing seemed to be helping me ease the stress, the worries. I was stuck. But I was trying; I was determined to get out of this rut and slowly, after turning to the right people and erasing the past, I begun to feel a slow but definite change in my state of mind. I was reading books, meeting new people and expressing gratitude. These small changes in the way I was thinking (on top of physical activity), helped me understand the way guilt worked. It was the root of my distress! And today, I can accept that I have been living with guilt all this time. I feel better just knowing this.

So now what? I have recognized this little seed of guilt and I things are slowly falling into place: I am exercising more often, I am motivated to eat better and drink less. I am more loving and more forgiving. It seems like once you get to the root of your negativity, the positive begins to fall into place. I am enjoying this journey of change and I will continue to embrace it. I know it will always be something I will have to work on and find a balance between Me-time and my family obligations but it will come slowly.

There is no end, only a journey until the very end.

Stop for a few minutes and ask yourself what is really making you upset? When you can live in stillness, you can begin to see a lot.


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