Upclose and personal

Waking up to another beautiful sunny day reminds me that while problems do not disappear overnight, you regain that energy after a night’s rest. We are all meant to be fighters; we each have our own strategies and game plan but our goal is to overcome defeat and walk with our chests held high.

My latest fight has been against self-control. It is something that I have lost these past few days. My head was spinning feelings of excitement and nervousness; my feelings were tossing and turning as I tried to understand where this surge of thrill came from. You gave me exactly the right amount of hope to leave me wanting more and I despise you for that. I cannot say you did it intentionally but I do know you are mindful of how I feel towards you (to say the least). I think I just need to make it clear that I have not given up on you, I have simply given up on waiting. I have lost the patience with men who cannot seem to walk out of their comfort zone. There were moments when I truly believed that things would finally work out but I was definitely wrong. I do not think I am naïve; I am not foolish; I am most definitely not wrong in any sense for wanting to pursue this. I am simply a young woman who is a little tired of being her own support system.

This is not a post about yearning and needing. It is one where I am owning up to my own mistakes and reminding myself that I went for it rather than chicken out and wonder about all those ‘what-ifs’. I do not regret a single moment because I know that there will always be something between us; a slight tension that hangs heavy on every word we exchange with each other. Is this suffering? I do not think so. In fact, it is simply the celebration of feelings. Human beings feel and that is exactly what we are doing.

always thinking,
-t