naked, and so alive.

The jazz was loud and lively. The room was crowded, faces with smiles and happy expressions. People walked by as I sat very still, novel in hand. And while the music kept playing, nothing was going in. I was not able to fully comprehend the beautiful notes they were playing. Thoughts were racing through my head as I stared at the page. Looking up, I saw him. I saw him in between the coffee grinder and espresso machine. No, I didn’t imagine it. His eyes saw through me.

I don’t understand how he can still be so friendly towards me. I’ve done nothing but put strange ideas out in the open. Sometimes, I ramble for ages; I ask him the most random and weirdest questions. I tell him stories he doesn’t ask to hear but he listens and he laughs at all the right moments. He doesn’t push me away but I expect him to act distant towards me, not the same. I cannot figure him out. I am baffled by what we have. I figured it was my imagination but is it my imagination if it seems like there is a pattern to it all? He reminds me to take it easy and rest during my break. His eyes tell me that he truly understands and that’s when it feels too real…or too good.

There are two types of stares he gives me: the first one is the cautious gaze. As I speak, he has a blank expression on his face as if he is waiting for me to finish speaking so he can continue with his work. He fills me with generic comments as if I have never heard of them before. And then there is the second stare which is when his eyes glimmer under the dim lights and he has his body turned directly at you. He stands close and we speak in slight whispers. This is my favourite yet the most puzzling of all. He gives me all his attention when I speak and I have no doubt that he is hanging onto to every sound that comes out of my mouth.

For some unknown reason, I feel guilty. When he acts genuinely kind and caring I feel like I somehow don’t deserve it. After what had happened, I am disappointed but above all, I think I am more confused and frightened at how friendly he can be—it does not add up. And when I do not understand something, it eats at me until I can no longer face it. In this case, him.