Meet Dharma

“Hey beautiful, hope you’re feeling better today. Knew I wasn’t going to see you today and couldn’t help make you feel better if you weren’t. So I left a friend of mine at the only for you. Her name is Dharma, Junior put her on top of the fridge. Hope she puts a smile on your face because I can’t today.”

So through a whirlwind of events, our fate has intertwined after over a year of untimely events and messy situations. I currently find myself in a relationship unlike all the others. Finally, I am in a serious and relaxing relationship with a man who once made me cry; he made me smile more but there was nothing more between us then the short, random encounters. But that is the past. We have made it past the murmurs and gossip and we are content--so content! Separately, we are both in good places in our lives at the moment. And because of this, I truly believe this is the reason why we have started a life together--now, not then. And now, not forever. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am expecting the worst or that I don't believe that we can make it past three months. But when changes occur, we cannot go against them. We must ride along the ups and the downs, no matter how tough they seem. In these past few years, I have learned that nothing is permanent and so, every tough situation can turn for the better. I am hoping that this will last because he makes me feel stronger and more independent. It seems a little ironic that being in a relationship can make you more independent but because our independence has gotten us this far, we want to continue to grow independently so we can proudly share our separate accomplishments together. Truth be told, it has not been a month but I have grown to admire this man will all my heart (not blindly). My admiration for him has helped me find inner love for so many others.

I truly believe that I am in a good place in this very moment.

Cheers,
-t

On Fall Dates

I have always imagined that fall dates were more romantic and meaningful. Perhaps it is the cold weather that brings people together; over warm heating, dim lighting and a mug of hot tea or a good pint of beer. No matter what the occasion, a fall gathering always seemed more intimate to me. So when it comes to dates with that special person you have been admiring from a distance, these fall dates are enchanting.

My first fall date occurred last night. It was a painful process to arrange it but in the end, it paid off. It wasn't really that romantic. In fact, he made no reservations, we had no back-up plans and were limited to our neighbourhood. But despite those limitations, it was a night I would not forget...not for a long time.

We met outside an old pub and began making small talk. Scratching original plans, we ended up hopping into a cab to take us to a cozy neighbourhood bar. We sat huddled on this small loveseat, under very dim red lighting and unidentifiable background noises filled the room. It was perfect. With his leg crossed over his other leg, his knee leaned on my thigh. We casually touched each other's arm mid-conversation and a lot of laughter. I was starting to ease up and relax. And then, we got the news that a few people would be coming to the bar; people who would cause some drama so he paid the tab and off we went.

Again, with no plans, we headed to another pub. It was nearly deserted, with only a regular at the bar and a couple in the other corner of the room. It was perfect. We argued over who would pay for the bill; we laid things out on the table and talked openly and honestly. It all went--unexpectedly--well.

But the most memorable and most simple part about the night was walking home. While walking home, he made a subtle move of holding his hand out and without any hesitation, I put my hand in his. And that was how he walked me home.

breathing is always the first step

I hate to be the bad guy in situations.

Yet, sometimes I know I have to in order to get my point across: that I love her. It is heart wrenching to see her gradually damage her body from starvation and for her anger to rise so strongly in those black eyes of hers. Her eyes are dull from the pain and guilt she holds onto so tightly.  I want her to see that I care for her but I am torn between what the right steps to take and which are the wrong ones; the choices which will take her further from me--from us.

And I see my dad who is the most persevering person I know. His sighs are sounds I hear more frequently and it hurts me to see him in a state of defeat. His aged, rough hands have found a place on his worn down, wrinkled face; his hands go over his eyes, covering what does not want to be seen. His ache resonates in my heart and I'm overwhelmed by the confusion and frustration he feels. I know we're in this together because we have silently vowed to make things right together. But I feel like I am watching a silent movie, with every painful emotion exaggerated to the fullest extent.  I keep replaying the same scene in my head and everytime it hurts a little more.

My mum looks so tired. She is the one who has suffered the longest. Her story can be read in her eyes too. Just as dull as my sister's and more tired than my dad's: she can tell you a tale of suffering. Her hair is streaked with grey and her back is hunched over as she has lost a lot of her strength to keep her posture erect. It is scary to see how quickly she has deteriorated these last five  years. It is the unknown rate of deterioration which has me feeling terrified of the near future. Not my future but ours.

I don't really know where this leaves me. I am doing what I can and while I know I will make a few rash decisions (and regret a few immediately after), I also know I will make some good decisions. It is all an experience to teach me a lot. It is a difficult lesson to sit through but I want to learn as much as I can out of all of this. I will stay hopeful, humble and honest. But most of all, I am praying for a immeasurable amount of love to give. To both myself and everyone I meet.

Cheers,
-t

All Okay

The moment when my sister's guidance counselor suggests I go and see a school counselor myself.

So now I am wondering if (or when) I should make a trip there.

perfect touches

After what had happened, I had forgotten how to become intimate with another being. I flourished and grew to find self-love as well as pure joy for those around me but I have been pushing people away so desperately and intensely, I had left myself untouched. I am not talking about the rushed, abrupt and planned touching. No, this touching is the type which interrupts the peaceful silence; it is the type of touching which means more than words and can say a thousand words in the span of five seconds. This touching is slow and gentle, rhythmic and soothing. But he reminded me that things were not so bad and that I was in safe hands. Though doubt kept me cautious and alert, I feel like he erased a thin layer of the fear underlying the idea of intimacy. It was not much, but having another human being so close to me, breathing in unison and feeling the warm breath on my ear was therapeutic. I just don't know what it means anymore.

I left you, for myself

As my 22nd birthday is coming around the corner, I am realizing that there is not a lot of time for us to adjust to the responsibilities which inevitably come with growing up. The transition from teenager to adult seems short-lived as we scramble to put ourselves on the right path. But the beauty in this process is that the people I care most for are doing the exact same thing. Seeing them figure out their own lives and getting together to complain about our personal worries is what is comforting. We are essentially doing the same thing, together, as one (the connectedness is clear and simple).

With all the stresses in life, it can be  difficult to stay grounded and not find yourself in a frenzy. However, I have discovered that with the right resources, it can be a little bit easier. I have to say, I have been blessed with some extremely extraordinary people who have given me some insight on life and, most importantly, myself. And these people continually come and go as I develop my own sense of peace and understanding.  I have put myself in situations where I was vulnerable to all sense of mischief and misery. I drowned myself in self-pity, self-loathing and participated in destructive activities. But, that was the past.

On the path to discovering a better lifestyle for myself, I have come a long way. However, coming a long way does not mean I'll be stopping anytime soon. Letting go has been such a freeing experience and it is only the first step in my goal of reflecting inwards. This inner healing is the closest, most personal activity I can do for myself and I absolutely love it. I have tried to find love and compassion by adopting the lifestyle of others, taking bits and pieces from the people I thought inspired me. But I was silly, naive and ultimately grew tired of pretending that I was "healing". Thankfully, I am learning; I am learning that healing begins with awareness and that is all I really have to do. And that is exactly what I intend to continue to do. I feel better today. And I hope to continue to feel better.

I was feeling down this past week but one morning this spark ignited within me. I suddenly felt so much love--out of nowhere--and it poured out of my own soul. I suddenly felt lighter, releasing the backpack full of rocks. I breathed in slowly and I breathed in deep.  Perhaps I sound rather optimistic and even slightly naive but I swear: the love I feel today is pure love for myself, my own existence and therefore the existence of those around me. For once, I had no doubt in the love I had for myself.

And that is an exhilarating feeling.

09.09.12

It seems like I always go back to where I started. I will find myself running back to what is most familiar, most distant, and ultimately most safe. But what is safe is not always the ideal...nor healthy. I can tell myself every day that I have grown; that my inner strength is admirable and perseverance is undeniably there.  And while there is truth in those statements, I know there is a long way to go. My life is a journey of healing and discovery as I continue to experience life situations. What I take from each situation will hopefully take me one step closer to--ironically--ceasing such linear thoughts.

And while I can emotionally feel a sense of calmness by cutting ties from all the intoxicating questions, I have one situation that lies its roots deep within my being. Every time I am close to entering an intimate relationship with someone, I feel an overwhelming sense of joy in being able to share thoughts with another human being. This joy is genuine and intense. But, hesitation creeps under it all and I feel myself create questions of doubt and regret. On one hand, I want to keep them as a friend--to confide in them and keep them close--but on the other hand, I do not feel prepared to handle a relationship. I want to help them, support them and keep them smiling but I am fearful of it getting too intimate. They become demanding and suddenly I want out. But, I can never detest their actions. I can understand that intimacy is a beautiful thing. The building of a relationship is precious and difficult--but so worth it. But I turn into a selfish being. One who makes excuses and pushes them away because I am "too busy" or "I just don't have the time". And once I move on, I find peace and with time, I feel ready again to start over because I have fooled myself into believing that I have matured. But perhaps I really have matured, and it has never been self deception. Then why do I keep entering such a vicious cycle? It puzzles me because it has become an instinct to back away once I feel them getting closer.

Despite this fear, I admire intimacy immensely. The close relationship between two people is fascinating and at times, exhilarating. I enjoy listening to people and helping people find themselves a little better too. Perhaps selfish but I want my energy to influence their energy. If there is anything I feel that is influential, it is our own energy we put forth into this universe. The world is so much more sensitive than we thought it is. Unfortunately, we forget about this and we spend our lives delivering negative energy through our self-destructing thoughts. But I digress.

I enjoy spending time with many people. And the ability to  share tender moments with certain individuals is truly nothing short of a miracle. And yet, I will be honest and state that the personal time I spend alone is incredibly precious and peaceful too. To this date, I always feel more comfortable when there is no individual counting on me to be there as their girlfriend. I want to belong to people, but no one individual. That one individual should only be me. I should only belong to myself. No one else.

I Have Way Too Much Fun at Sea

After spending seven days at sea, I realized how incredible it felt to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city. I was so happy, without my cell phone and any access to the internet. Perhaps it is because I am more mature now and I've grown that I have come to cherish the moments with my family. Looking back at all the photographs we took, I cannot help but feel the warmth and love we have for each other. While our family struggles everyday with the various current situations we must all deal with together, I feel the effort we put in to ensure that we do not fall apart. But not everyday goes smoothly. Throughout the trip, we had really good moments and extremely stressful lows. However, there was not one day where I felt like crying. Maybe there is something about the ocean that minimizes the emotional pain. Looking back, I am amazed at how well we kept it together.

Despite being with my family most of the time, I did have lots of time for myself. And the best part was that I rarely thought about any problems. My mind was truly relaxed and I found myself in a constant state of contentment. If there is anything I have learned, it is that dwelling into the past and self-absorbing my own emotions was the unhealthiest thing I could do for myself. It was such a habit of mine and to this very day, I have to be conscious of whether I am engaging in such a negative thought process. I went to the jazz lounge alone and I had such a fantastic time! I got a chance to talk briefly to the pianist. People there were such kind beings, full of passion and compassion. I have met many people who are so uncomfortable with being alone and I wonder why--why would one be so uncomfortable with spending time with themselves? I feel like it is rare that we have time for ourselves in such a chaotic society. I had the privilege of receiving this alone time accompanied with fabulous live jazz music. I even had the chance to chat with the pianist of the jazz band.

Along with a self-discovery, I had the opportunity to try out stand-up paddle boarding in Charlotte Amalie, St. Thomas as well as hike down the highest peak on the island of Philipsberg, St. Maarten!

All I can say is that I feel incredibly blessed (and a tad bit spoiled) to have gone through such an exhilarating and peaceful experience. I could not ask for anything better.

Cheers,
-t

P.S. While on the ship, I had the best crush on our head waiter. He was so sweet, polite and incredible sly. It is only natural for me to have the silliest crush on a man who I may never see again...sigh.

Late California Post

It has been a bit hectic these past few weeks; working six days a week has me constantly on the go and leaving little time for personal endeavors. As a result, I'm still working on the photos from California (although I'm almost ready to upload them very soon I swear!). Seeing how I got back on the 27th of July, I would say this is a late post on my trip to California...but here it goes:

Ten days in a foreign place full of sunshine and positive energy. Initially, I was hesitant--to say the least--about staying at my cousin's house for ten days but that worry was quickly erased when I realized that the environment was too unbelievably peaceful to acknowledge the negative emotions. I was so pleased to know that the beach was only two minutes away from her place and from her living room window I could see the blue waters. The lifestyle I led for those ten days were more than I can ask for; waking up early to make breakfast burritos, going out for a run along the beach and nodding to other fellow runners, smelling the ocean water and feeling that cool summer breeze made me forget whatever worries I ever had. But most importantly, my mind had been quiet and it allowed for me to reflect on my lifestyle back in the noisy, chaotic city. The lifestyle in California sharply contrasted the one I led in Toronto. In the city, I was constantly looking for things to do to fill up my time and I never felt how tired I truly was until I had the chance to breathe. Ten days to breathe and I had the chance to acknowledge the level of exhaustion I was at. And that is when I knew I had to be more conscious of my body, health and spirit. My mind investigated the different aspects of my current life situations.

The biggest situation was the most difficult, most recent and most sensitive. My decision to lose my little one was devastating and even to this day, thinking about it leaves me in a state of disbelief. I yearn to have that feeling again; to feel the connection and know that I was blessed with the best gift ever. And despite knowing all of this, I knew I made the right decision. I'm still slowly accepting my decision and while I may never be completely over it, I know that experience has made me an even stronger and more caring person. I have come to accept the fact that I will not be fully over my decision or the situation itself for a real long while--but that is alright with me.
Being alone with my thoughts also made me understand that I am more than ready to start fresh with new adventures. I am yearning for some new change(s) to help me push past old regrets and current worries. I am way too excited about my future and the multiple new challenges that are coming my way. I am all too ready to keep growing up and having my own adult life.

Cheers,
-t

Another Chapter

I suppose I could have seen it coming but nothing hits you harder than reality itself: when personal worries are solidified through a third party's confirmation.

It felt surreal to sit in a small room and listen to each professional talk to us and the next steps toward treating her disorder. Across from us sat a pediatrician, a nutritionist and last but not least, a psychiatrist. On one side was my sister and on the other, my parents, squished onto one couch. And then I heard his voice tremble, long pauses in between his sentences and I knew what was happening. It was heart-wrenching to see such a strong human being crumble in a matter of seconds. However, it made me understand how badly I want to be there for my family. I could not give up on her and neither could they. The news we received today was shocking--there is no doubt about that--but it also helped me to understand that this is exactly where I need to be in my life. That my purpose consists of being part of the support system she needs. I'm exhausted, drained, flabbergasted yet extremely ready to tackle this new challenge.

Suddenly I see the tangled complexity of the multiple disorders and I know it will not be an easy task to help her untangle such a mess. The emotions will run high, the stress will cause tension and more tears will be produced during this crucial process of recovery but I have faith in her. The very thought of her slipping; imagining her rapidly falling downhill is frightening and only wants me to help her more.

Those with family members diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (AN): I commend you all because this battle is difficult, straining and energy-draining.