eight days

The closer we seem to get, the more I seem to miss you.
You haven't even left yet and I find myself missing you.

I've written pages and pages on these last couple of weeks.
It's amazing how it took us a year to get to where we are.
I will never forget this summer.
You restored my hope in relationships.

I am reminded of how much I like you everytime we have to part from another event.
I like holding hands in public but I also like the way we hug in private.
Last night, you told me how you think of me every night and how you want me.
Life is rather funny that way.
It makes you feel so selfish and greedy because there are certain things you want so badly but you may never have.

I adore the way you put your arms around my neck so that I can wrap my arms around your waist.
I love the way you will run your fingers through my hair.
I love how you kiss my forehead.

I love so many things about you.
It makes me so certain that this is more than just a silly crush.

When you've got a good thing:

It touched my heart deeply when I found out that he had texted her to let her know his concern for me.
But knowing that he's done that is bittersweet.

Texts at night are new.
Telling me he is in bed and sleepy is--again--adorable.

He's the closest I've ever met to perfect.

(I apologize for the recent sappy posts. They are memories in the making which I may not be able to forget.)

Morning kisses

Back from the cottage.

His kisses were soft and gentle; clean and dry.
His hands roamed in all the right places, leaving a tingling sensation across my skin.

So different from the last.
The sexual tension between us was strong and even more passionate.
We were slow, trying to remember every curve.
In that moment, I knew I liked him.

We were shy, lying side by side.
taking each minute to fight off the attraction.
But he tested the waters a few times and I gave him all the right answers.
That was how it began.

It was in that moment I remembered that he was leaving.
Suddenly, I knew it was wrong.
We couldn't--and didn't--continue.

Being sensible was difficult.
But he agreed; it would be unfair for both of us.

The night was stretched out in silence.

Morning arrived with gray clouds.
I didn't realize how happy I would be to wake up with him beside me.

He breathed out heavily and once in a while, his fingers twitched.
It was undeniably cute.
Regret washed over me as I watched him sleep soundly next to me.
I like him too much to start anything.

He put his arms around me.
HIs fingers played a symphony along my spine.
We didn't say a word to each other as we laid there in bed.

And then there was that movie moment.
He rolled over me and kissed me ever so gently.
Pause.
Lifted my head up and held my head in his hands.

Never mind the morning breath because in that moment, he made me feel so loved.
No matter what I look like, he'll like me for who I am: that's how I felt during that morning kiss.

I rolled onto my back and he rested his chin on my stomach.
He stared right into my eyes.
He reminded me of a dog (and I'm a sucker for dogs).

Nothing's awkward but there are burning questions.
Since the beginning of the summer, the primary question from many has been whether I like him still and I think I have my answer.

I despise unhappy endings so much.

consistency

You cease to amaze me. Honest.

Those piercing blue eyes once seemed so inviting but now I sense coldness.
Your stares and faded touch send shivers down my spine.
Your cruelty is what keeps me going.
I hope I never end up like you.

I have to applaud you though, for being so darn good at being so bad.
You've got looks that could kill but what's going to kill you is your lack of compassion.
Your lack of a heart.

I hope you thank God for your good looks because love, that's all you've got good going for you right now.
(As far as I can see.)

Cruelty iced with generosity.

Time and time again, I feel sad about the fall out. Saying 'it's okay' can only fool myself for so long. If the possibility of being caught in the middle is true, how does one choose? I just want the truth.

+

Sometimes, I love being a busy bee. I love knowing that it's hard to contact me purely because I feel as though I need to live my life at a faster pace than everyone else.

Oh, how cruel.

Introductions and first impressions.

I find it so hard to meet people. The things I've been hiding from most people affect me so much and it's such a huge part of my life. It's become a part of who I am and when I don't talk about my situation at home I feel like I'm not being completely honest with them. In that case, they don't know who I am.

Defeats the purpose of meeting anyone.
Can you see the problem?

When their lives are intertwined with your emotions

They run so deep and affect every single day of your life where you cannot be at a constant.

Like ghosts.

Funny how things can die down so quickly and suddenly.

One minute, I am swamped with the complexity of human relations with several people and the next minute they all decide to disappear. Why can't I stay friends with guys? I don't know if it's the way I subconsciously lead them into thinking I'm interested then suddenly display a disinterest in them. I cannot help that I love the thrill of a chase more than the actual relationship right now. I admit that I am a completely selfish tease.

There's a lot more I want to say in this post but I cannot find the proper words to describe the way I interact with the male population. I can only say that it is not the healthiest.

Just know that I am trying to change.

++

sun kissed skin
yellow leaves that dance
"good morning"
yes, i think it will be alright
after all

I continue to remember that every morning I wake up to is another reason to celebrate life. Everytime I feel like I'm slipping, I try very hard to look at life in it's most simplest form. When I break down life from its complex form, I sense a load of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Maybe that is the secret to life; you've got to let go of things that disrupt that harmonic balance and let things flow as they should. Never try to stop a natural event from happening, never block emotions you don't want to feel.

Let yourself feel.