Late California Post

It has been a bit hectic these past few weeks; working six days a week has me constantly on the go and leaving little time for personal endeavors. As a result, I'm still working on the photos from California (although I'm almost ready to upload them very soon I swear!). Seeing how I got back on the 27th of July, I would say this is a late post on my trip to California...but here it goes:

Ten days in a foreign place full of sunshine and positive energy. Initially, I was hesitant--to say the least--about staying at my cousin's house for ten days but that worry was quickly erased when I realized that the environment was too unbelievably peaceful to acknowledge the negative emotions. I was so pleased to know that the beach was only two minutes away from her place and from her living room window I could see the blue waters. The lifestyle I led for those ten days were more than I can ask for; waking up early to make breakfast burritos, going out for a run along the beach and nodding to other fellow runners, smelling the ocean water and feeling that cool summer breeze made me forget whatever worries I ever had. But most importantly, my mind had been quiet and it allowed for me to reflect on my lifestyle back in the noisy, chaotic city. The lifestyle in California sharply contrasted the one I led in Toronto. In the city, I was constantly looking for things to do to fill up my time and I never felt how tired I truly was until I had the chance to breathe. Ten days to breathe and I had the chance to acknowledge the level of exhaustion I was at. And that is when I knew I had to be more conscious of my body, health and spirit. My mind investigated the different aspects of my current life situations.

The biggest situation was the most difficult, most recent and most sensitive. My decision to lose my little one was devastating and even to this day, thinking about it leaves me in a state of disbelief. I yearn to have that feeling again; to feel the connection and know that I was blessed with the best gift ever. And despite knowing all of this, I knew I made the right decision. I'm still slowly accepting my decision and while I may never be completely over it, I know that experience has made me an even stronger and more caring person. I have come to accept the fact that I will not be fully over my decision or the situation itself for a real long while--but that is alright with me.
Being alone with my thoughts also made me understand that I am more than ready to start fresh with new adventures. I am yearning for some new change(s) to help me push past old regrets and current worries. I am way too excited about my future and the multiple new challenges that are coming my way. I am all too ready to keep growing up and having my own adult life.

Cheers,
-t

Another Chapter

I suppose I could have seen it coming but nothing hits you harder than reality itself: when personal worries are solidified through a third party's confirmation.

It felt surreal to sit in a small room and listen to each professional talk to us and the next steps toward treating her disorder. Across from us sat a pediatrician, a nutritionist and last but not least, a psychiatrist. On one side was my sister and on the other, my parents, squished onto one couch. And then I heard his voice tremble, long pauses in between his sentences and I knew what was happening. It was heart-wrenching to see such a strong human being crumble in a matter of seconds. However, it made me understand how badly I want to be there for my family. I could not give up on her and neither could they. The news we received today was shocking--there is no doubt about that--but it also helped me to understand that this is exactly where I need to be in my life. That my purpose consists of being part of the support system she needs. I'm exhausted, drained, flabbergasted yet extremely ready to tackle this new challenge.

Suddenly I see the tangled complexity of the multiple disorders and I know it will not be an easy task to help her untangle such a mess. The emotions will run high, the stress will cause tension and more tears will be produced during this crucial process of recovery but I have faith in her. The very thought of her slipping; imagining her rapidly falling downhill is frightening and only wants me to help her more.

Those with family members diagnosed with anorexia nervosa (AN): I commend you all because this battle is difficult, straining and energy-draining. 

07.11.2012

There are some things I continuously take for granted.

Luckily, I am reminded daily of what I take for granted. This reminder resides within the home. With a physically ill mother and a mentally ill sibling, it does not take too long for me to find myself grounded once again. And while there are strenuous and terrifying moments, my own personal life has been growing and success has been blessing me. I have nothing to say because my life has become so simple and harmonious. It took me a while to cut out the unnecessary drama, people, and physical things. It took too many mistakes for me to recognize what my own actions were doing to myself. But now, I am in a good place; I am suddenly motivated to better myself, to push myself beyond my comfort zone and devoted to whatever I am doing. Emotionally, I am healing--that I accept and admit. But it is not the prospect of healing and feeling better that has me smiling. Rather, it is the effort I am putting forth to allow myself to properly heal. I am in such a better place. I am.

I used to think that believing that things will get better is the best (and most optimistic) way to approach a rough situation. However, now I can say that it is not the optimistic beliefs but the awareness of the situation that provides the comfort. To know and to accept provides more comfort than any other optimistic approach possible. I learned to stop focusing my thoughts on the future because it would only give way to another stream of "what ifs" and "maybes". My consciousness is growing to allow myself to also grow emotionally healthier.

In other words, I cannot complain. My life is simplistic but never boring.

07.04.12.

With only 2 days left until my cousin's wedding, I was feeling the pressure to really find a new dress. And that I did (finally)! It amazes me how such a small task, such as purchasing a suitable dress, could feel so daunting and almost horrendous. It also made me understand how powerful our minds are over our physiological health.

On that note, my mum has had trouble sitting up today; her core has weakened drastically over the past year and her health has acted as a constant reminder for me to continue to live a healthy lifestyle. Because I have begun to take better care of my body, both inquiry and love have grown tremendously. I strive to better myself and by doing so I have begun to focus a lot less on relationships; companionship is always welcome but my yearn for a romantic relationship has diminished. Rather, I have found myself trying to heal my mind from those past relationships. I am unsure of whether this sudden change in desires is due to what had happened previously but I know that the thought of meeting someone new--romantically--no longer concerns me. In fact, reflection has led me to the conclusion that those romantic flings I had in the past were mere illusions. I had tricked myself into believing that I adored that man for good reasons but the split had little effect on me. No heartache ensued nor did I cry. That is how I know I was simply allowing myself to be admired because I was losing sight of what I truly needed to fill in those empty gaps. I truly thought that I was content with our relationship when really, I was feeling a sense of increasing emptiness with the self deceit I so easily created.

And today, rather than letting myself slip back into that self-illusion, I am letting myself dwell into inquiry over my life and life itself. I am differentiating the difference between this internal and external world so that I can easily distant myself from the chaos I create myself. By doing so, I no longer yearn for temporary harmony. Instead, I yearn for absolute harmony and love to grow internally to feed into the lives of those around me.

Cheers,
t

Everlasting

It has just been over a month since it has happened. How I managed to endure the emotional strains and the constant reminders? I cannot even answer that because the healing has just begun. I know deep within, that I will always remember what I had done and who was involved. Will this haunt me? I don't think so. However, it will continue to stick with me until the very end. I believe in coping and acceptance. It is something I continue to strive for everyday. No, I do not cry every night anymore nor do I curl into the fetus position and just lie there. I have the energy, the motivation, to go on about my day. I could not feel more blessed to be living the life I am creating. And because I feel so darn grounded these past few days, the emotional struggles feel a little more tolerable and a little less strenuous.

However, I know that as a result my decision, I have isolated myself from many. I have become self-absorbed and felt such a strong desire to find answers and "fix" myself". But I am beginning to see how wrong I am to want to "fix" me. There is no need. Rather, I need more time to heal, and learn that acceptance comes from within. The answers I search for cannot be found: they can only be experienced. Letting myself go is one of the best things I can do for myself. I want nothing more these days then to feel the slow, steady rhythm of my internal healing process.

Treating my body well is the one thing I can focus on.

06.09.12

Currently feeling sleepy from last night's event, I sit here and wonder about my life experiences. They have led me to this point in my life and it feels so surreal at times. As John Mayer's new album plays in the background, I am writing today with a heavy heart and nostalgic mind. Troubles feel lighter, but hover in the air, like early morning fog. I don't recall alcohol tasting so bitter. It has never made me feel saddened by life but now, it has become a reminder of my past troubles with it; I was turned into a shameful small creature--it was my best (and only) crutch. But that was then, and this is now.

The faint aroma of jasmine incense helps me concentrate. I am overwhelmed with a feeling of heaviness. My emotional load keeps me grounded but it has not been too much of a burden. Because I have let myself slip multiple times, I have learned that the best cure (for me) is to let my emotions run their course. Resistance only causes more tension and counteracts the very reason for the emotions which arise in certain situations. Sometimes I feel like I am learning too much in such a short period of time that it hurts to feel all the conflicting emotions boiling within.  But one can only learn to be wise, to follow your instincts and believe that there is purpose in every breath made.

Babe,

Babe,

Sometimes, I find myself given a situation which tears my heart apart as it pushes me to question my own morale. Today I was blessed with a present but given my current circumstances I cannot enjoy this gift for too long. I will have to make the tough decision of parting with you, my babe. I understand the controversy over such a delicate matter but I cannot possibly bring you into a world in which I cannot give the very best to you. As heart wrenching as it is for me, I must go through with it. I was careless and I am no more intelligent than you. Babe, I know you'll forgive me for not carrying through with my responsibility.

For the next week, I will cherish this special experience and love my body as much as I can. I know you are listening and you can understand what it means for me to leave you babe. Just know you'll always be my first. It has only been a few weeks but I already feel attached to you. I can sense your presence from within and how precious you are to me. It is an unfortunate event. Some may judge me for it but I do hope, babe, that you understand me.

Always and forever,

-t

I Once Made a Man Cry

I once made a man cry. It was near midnight and the dim streetlights made his tears glisten. He stared at me with such intensity as he spoke, lips trembling. People passed, unaware (or ignorant) of the way my words hit him. We sat side by side, still, on the cement planter box. My arms rose, only to find themselves embraced around my own body: I had to give myself the love I deserve. There was something about the midnight air which made my thoughts blur. The cold stirred all sorts of selfish emotions. Or maybe it was the alcohol. He spoke of the way I pushed him away and how it worked so effectively; he spoke of the resistance I create when we are together; he spoke of the way he adored me. I listened in silence. My response was a laugh. It was the laugh that crawled out of your throat slowly because nothing else seemed any more appropriate. It was the uncontrollable laugh which traveled to his ears and forcefully pushed down his throat until he could no longer breathe properly. It was a lethal nervous laugh.

I once made a man cry.

No, my truth made a man cry.

The Month of April

As April comes to an end, nostalgia embodies each passing thought. Familiar emotions hang in the air and repetitive actions are carried out. Slow, quiet morning lattes soothe the mind, stroking the wild and violent thoughts. Unfamiliar music plays and distracts throwing my thoughts off on a tangent, allowing a temporary escape. Strangers walk in and out, right and left; the unfamiliarity keeps me grounded as I focus my attention on the environment. Gray, quiet days have outnumbered sunny, loud ones as solitude called out my name this month. Many have seen me but I have seen too few. It seems like loneliness hits the hardest when our thoughts begin to distant themselves, detaching themselves from the physical body. Sometimes, I feel myself feeling more and more lonely but I direct my attention back to the endless stream of thoughts and I am suddenly better.

Goodbye turbulent April, I welcome May with open arms.

Last Moments

Bob Dylan stopped playing and the sound of our breaths was all that could be heard. Light turned to dark as we laid there, calm and naked. The streetlights sent a glowing stream of light through the window highlighting the contours of our bodies. Holding hands, we laid on our backs, and whispered small confessions. You told me that this was the most relaxing relationship you have ever experienced. I smiled through the tears that slowly ran down my cheeks. You said that every time I cried it was perfect because it indicated the intensity and importance of your words. You wiped them away as I told you of my childhood, my fears of him and the changes I have witnessed these past two months. In that still and peaceful moment, we weaved a memory I could never replace.

 o o o o o

Despite who we grew to become and who we grew to  become for each other, my emotions wandered and my thoughts were overwhelmed with old feelings for past interests. This is my confession as a human being, lost with the confusion I tried so hard to hide. That night--seven months ago--came back to haunt me as his face reminded me of what had happened. The initial intrigue rose to the surface of my mind and it got a tight hold of me. We kissed and I could not stop, like I was waiting for that exact moment ever since the very first day we met.

Talking on the phone was painful. I was full of guilt and I still had not fully processed everything that had happened. I did not know he had talked so highly of me and I also did not know the two men had talked about me either. The silences dragged out and I felt my stomach drop as he expressed his feelings. He was so kind, so generous, that it only hurt more.

 I have nothing but the deepest respect for him.

Seeing him in person left me trembling as we ran for shelter from the rain.
His eyes had never been so blue and being so close to him had me at my knees.
The tears welled without control as he spoke. I handed him the key and he took it in hesitation.
I felt small and regretful.
I could not look into his eyes.
He told me he deleted my number but it was of no use: he remembered it by heart.
He had seen me looking so sad walking past him, that he could not help himself from running out to talk to me. He did not understand why he did it.
We leaned in for one last embrace and it seemed to have lasted longer than our past hugs.
I shook in his arms and I could not move. Once he unlocked his arms around me, it would be over and it hurt to know that.
Before he left me standing there, he said that he wished he did not have his key in his pocket right now.

My key chain feels empty without his key.