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[caption id="attachment_125" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="It\'s always easy to put on a smile. It\'s even easier to erase it."][/caption]

I'm putting on my boots and my jacket. I'm walking out the door.

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My life will be better without you by my side on my mind.

leaps and bounds.

Reconnecting with an old, lost friend does wonders sometimes. In this case, it opened my eyes to a whole different perspective. I am now aware of the feelings we still have towards each other. He still cares deeply for my safety and we both have the utmost respect for each other. I am only afraid things may spiral out of control as we continue to hang out more often.

Trying to mend things with an old friend who disappointed me in the past gives me a whole other feeling. He makes me feel old and lonely. I try so hard to fight my feelings for him so that I only see him as an acquaintance. Whether this is the right thing to do or not, I don't know anymore. So many times, I thought I was doing the right thing but it backfires and leaves me wishing for a second chance. But how many second chances does a person get? I believe we both need to start fresh and try it out. I know that at one point, there was something there. It's lost now and I don't want to go back looking for something that can never be found. But I know we can start fresh and perhaps we can both get the second chance we both need.

Scene one:

8:30pm and it's raining lightly as they walk home together. They talk and laugh at the past and as they continue to walk, it begins to rain harder. He offers her his sweater and she first denies him of it. He insists and she gives in (she sensed his genuine concern for her). She slips into the sweater as he carries her umbrella. It hangs on her but she doesn't mind. They continue to walk; her in his sweater and him carrying her umbrella. Once in a while, there would be silence as she looks up at the night sky looking for stars (she doesn't see any).

They are at the station now where they will head in different directions.

She gently tugs off his sweater and hands it to him as he hands over her umbrella. They smile as she decides whether a hug would cross any uncomfortable boundary. Without so much of a hesitation, he opens his arms out, gesturing for a hug and she goes in for it.

They hug like they are close friends.

Here's a story about Jim and Leoneil.

It's been a while since I've taught adaptive aquatics. That's why, when I had to teach two brothers who were both autistic, I was a bit concerned. I wasn't afraid of them; I was scared that the challenge would be too great. The last time I taught an autistic child was a year ago. I knew I should have went in with more confidence because in the end I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Jim was probably around 10 years old. He was mute. He brought two figurines which he loved to chase. He was very excited to be in the water but he would not touch me at all. It took a lot of eye contact and simple phrases to help us get along. In the end, he was very attached to me, trying to climb onto me and not letting go. Jim is a very intelligent boy who is fun and loving. He even tried to kiss me on the cheek at one point. I felt as though I had made a new friend. He taught me that patience is key.

Leoneil was probably around 7 years old. He didn't know how to speak but he would grunt when he's displeased and he would create high-pitched noises when he was excited. Unlike his brother, he was not enthusiastic to get into the water. When he got in, he hung onto me very tightly. He would place his feet onto my legs, making me squat as I tried to control his temper. At last, he began to get used to the environment. He still hung onto me but he began to kick a bit with his feet. During the half hour session, he didn't let go of me once but he was happy. I was rewarded with a big, bright smile everytime he splashed with his hands or tried to blow bubbles. He was adorable. Admittedly, it hurt when he began to get nervous and dug his fingers into my arms or sometimes he would unknowingly pull at my hair. Leoneil is such an innocent child and--just like Jim--very loving.

Today, I'm looking back at my experience with them and although my thighs are sore from Leoneil's weight, and rather tired from putting every ounce of concentration I had into them, I couldn't be happier. I'm happy that I get such a rare opportunity to work with such beautiful children. It's a shame so many people are afraid to ask questions, to try and get to know them. I just know I would do it again and again and again for the rest of my life.

Jim and Leoneil, thank you for such an amazing experience.

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This morning I realized that I am ready to step away from you. It still hurts sometimes to know that I was tricked into thinking you liked me but as they say, "life goes on". I am starting to understand that I can no longer take this too personally. I used to question what went wrong and who's fault it was but the truth is, I've gone through it enough times to know that I can't always put the blame on one person. In this case, it was probably a case (haha, a "case") of misunderstanding.

The time I have taken to think things through, I've begun to do something I haven't done in a very long time. That is, I am beginning to appreciate myself. I lost a lot of self esteem and self respect along the way and now, I am starting to love me for me. I am learning to accept the way I look, the way I am. I guess you could say I am starting to fall in love with myself all over again--with myself and with life.

It's about time to just let go of the individuals who have hurt me in the past and move forward. I will never forget them because they helped shape me so in a way I should thank them. I can't quite describe how I've been feeling lately. I've just been feeling older, more mature and yet, there is something growing within me.

It's just so weird.

Love yourself.

Life is beautiful when I'm alone.

I pretend that my life is a silent film with the radio playing out my summer soundtrack.
I like to dress up like I'm about to meet the special man in my life.
My toes are dirty from tiptoeing outside and dancing around like a ballerina.
The sun loves me as it provides me with summer warmth; it spreads across my skin and gives me those comfortable goosebumps.

I wish I was alone more often.
I wish I was in love.

babbles.

Faint sunlight seeped through the window (it slowly awakened my sense).
It was a morning of new beginnings and yesterday's worries.

I woke up to my own reflection.

I've been waking up late, waking up blank.
I don't feel not-right. Just different.
Not happy, not sad and nowhere in between.
I love my life but I'm yearning for more.
While I know what I want in life, I am confused by certain emotions.

I wish I was brave enough to love with every bone in my body.

I have secrets I want to tell (but I'd be betraying myself).
They're small ones that hide in the small crevices of your brain.
Sometimes you forget they are there.
Some days they are restless and come out in search for something to scratch on.
I am itching.

I love but it's disguised as hate.
Most don't understand.

I want to keep a sunny disposition.

I cannot make small talk with him.
My heart is too heavy for casual conversations.
I think that is the problem.
I've been biting my tongue for so long (there's no blood).

Going against all odds.

I told myself over and over to resist yet, I gave in.
I wanted answers badly because the summer is here and I needed to move on.
So I went for it.

Turns out...sometimes it's best to follow your heart and go after what you want in life.

This is definitely a note to self.

Ambulatory EEG

It doesn't hurt or anything (it only hurt a bit when she put them on). It's rather annoying though and quite itchy.