heartache

It's like creasing the front cover of a new book. It's like losing a childhood toy, shrinking your favourite shirt. It's like the colour purple, tears personified and old photographs being burned. It smells like rustic iron gates, french vanilla on a humid afternoon. Similar to the rapid succession of waves hitting the shore, it hits your heart. It's the unexpected taste of a magnificently presented dish.

It hurts.

Not the type of man to.

You gave me a dose of self-esteem I didn't think I could have. You made me feel a little more.
I allowed myself to take another risk because I didn't think you were the type of man to pull a disappearing act.

I was so wrong.
As soon as I tried to take one step closer, you ran a mile.
He made me feel like I was the one who did something wrong.
You're doing the exact thing.

I detest the guts of a coward.
I may not always allow myself to feel but at least I have the courage to admit it and face the fact.
You're gorgeous and I fell for every line and every touch.
But now I see through you and I'm truly disappointed.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next but I hope you find whatever you're looking for.
I'm slowly getting up on my own two feet so I can do the same.

I guess it's good luck to the both of us.

the mean blues

Am I suppose to wait for him? There are so many things I never told him yet.

I miss you so much. Things were quickly gaining speed ... except maybe it was too fast, too sudden.
Make me remember what was there.
Help me save whatever is left.

I am sorry for pushing myself on you (if that is how you felt). But I don't regret it.
Maybe this is the answer I am looking for.
I obviously like you.
And you are unsure of yourself.

For once, I see a part of me inside of you.
That's unfortunate.

I miss you.

I've became like the ocean these days. I'm unpredictable with waves of anger. Periods of calm waters keep me sane. I'll crash and hit the shore. I try to keep everyone afloat. I am the ring buoy, the life preserver (trying to get everyone to hang on as we continue to aimlessly drift along).

circular

Seems like it is more a goodbye kiss then anything. The way you let me feel the texture of your lips, the slight smile and the sadness between us. Please don't lie to me anymore, just let me know.


So I guess really am untouchable.

Memento Mori

Remember you must die.

Cogito ergo sum

I think, therefore I am.

Like it was just another one.

Do actions count when alcohol is involved?

You seemed to care, you asked questions. You left your hands lingering in familiar spots and new, surprising ones. You kissed the top of my head more times then I can count.

I was carried away with the night and kissed you.

It wasn't our first kiss. It was small, quick, all too familiar. Yet it was the first kiss we shared, as friends. No quickening of the heart, no butterflies. The kiss is nothing compared to the hugs.

I've got answers but I've got more questions than I bargained for.

a few small items.

Today I felt beautiful; I liked the way my shirt wrapped closely around my body and the way my tattered old jeans made me look young and refreshing. The sun shone and warmed my skin, making it glow a small golden glow. Novel in hand and tea by my side, I felt good.

But despite how great everything was, something was missing.
I wish I had an explanation.

I wish I had reasons to believe.
(Alright, so I still want reasons to believe.)

this really made me sit and stare.

I lost it.

I threw up four years of pent-up emotions at you. I hope you tasted every sourness and every bitterness.

I made you cry and I am so glad because this is the wake up call I've been wanting to give you.

I am sorry that it had to be like that.


We are all forgiven.

Fears

No, it wasn't another cheesy movie. It was heartfelt, it was beautiful and most of all, it made me realize my worst fears.

I am afraid of watching you wither away.
I am afraid of never taking chances.
I am afraid of not living my life.
I am afraid.

This one hit the spot, hard.

Guilt has sharp teeth

Sorry has no meaning anymore. I've said it so many times I've worn it out.

I've turned so cold and heartless that I'm scared. But it just hurts so much I can't bear to hear what has happened because the things I see are perfect reminders of reality. I hate hearing how you fell and how you lost control of your bladder for the third time today. I hear it but I don't cry. I try so hard to put on a brave face. I look like I don't even care.

My heart is cold, my veins are rubber.

I pretend that we're one whole family; I try so hard to make it seem like all this is easy. And on some days, it is easier to digest this truth but then there are days where all this is a nightmare I may never escape. And a part of me knows that the latter is the reality I know I will have to live with. I cannot time travel and escape it, I cannot switch lives with a fortunate individual.

I wish they knew how much I try to hold myself together.

But then again, maybe I don't.

Oh, you drive me crazy.

Each day I continue to envision your smile. I'm anxiously waiting for the day when our small pile of rainchecks will disappear. I have never felt this impatient yet, I like the anticipation because just thinking about what we had (have?) puts a small smile on my face.

Listen

A novel which evoked strange emotions

Tonight I finished Picoult's Songs of the Humpback Whale. The first novel of the summer.

I have a heavy heart tonight; love has never been such a foreign subject. I'm lost at words for what it's supposed to be or mean. I read that you can fall in love many times but each time you do is for a different reason. It's such a fascinating yet frightening thought. I wonder if I have been close to feeling love. I feel uneasy, like I lost a part of myself after reading the novel.

I'm so curious. I want to feel the strong power love is capable of having on you. I contemplate what I feel for with Cassius. What is it? A crush? Then why does it feel different from the other feelings I've had for guys? When does like becomes love? Where is that line that differentiates between the two?

Questions spill and I don't have one answer.

you've got me

I said I enjoy even our most casual embraces but I can't say that anymore. There are no more casual embraces.

I've noticed they've become more affectionate, a little longer: more personal. Shyness isn't a problem anymore and today proved that. Comfort has grown in its place and it continues to grow stronger as we talk. I love it when you smile (I'm sure I've said that before). We lean against the wall as you put your arm around me, making me fit a little better against you. I know everyone can see but I don't care anymore. I think about how rare these moments are between us and I'm okay.

You let out a small laugh as you open the card. I smile in embarrassment. You say you love homemade cards and I tell him I do too. I'm not sure when the butterflies disappeared but when I opened my mouth, they didn't tickle the back of my throat. Now, I can speak without stuttering.

We hugged goodbye.
Your fingers gently brushed the back of my neck and I held on a little tighter.

forgiven.

For almost a year now, I was not sure if I had fully forgiven you--until today. It feels so good to finally have a clear answer and know that I can talk to you. I don't think this fully changes our relationship right now. It sounds like you're going through hard times right now and I can only hope that you can make it through. I did my job as a friend to make it clear to you that I'm hear if you need to talk. I'll be here to listen; I was always here to listen.

The thing is, I thought you did not realize what you had done previously--until today. "Sorry for disappearing Trish." I never admitted this, but you hurt me when you left me. It hurt so much because we had something going on. Then you left. And it wasn't until after you left I started learning about you. I learned about your personal life. The life you were trying to hide from me. I was angry at you for not telling me the truth. I was angry at myself for letting myself fall so easily. But now, I thank you. I learned a lot from you, from us.

Today, I let it all go through one sentence and I feel relieved. It doesn't sound like you are doing very well. But I don't know much about you in the first place. I can only forgive you because you are human just like everyone else. We all make mistakes; I only judge people based on how they handle their mistakes. It looks like karma made a visit. And I'm sorry you are going through the pain. Ironically, I am the one who is saying sorry to you.

We may never talk again. That's your choice because I already made it clear I'll always be here as a friend. You listened to me once upon a time and I'm willing to return the favour. All I can say is good luck and please take care.

Thursday morning

I guess they don't realize how much their words hurt. To hear them come out of their mouths is a bit frightening. I can't understand their logic.

I do not have time for this. Let me concentrate on my studies.

I am dreading this ambulatory EEG.

you and i

I listen to a slow song and it reminds me of you.  I reminisce of all the moments we shared together.  They were never long enough, but always strong.  For the past week, I've been trying to understand why you have this effect on me.  I can close my eyes and remember the exact colour of your eyes. It's the blue you see when you look up on a clear sunny day; there's such a subtle sparkle to them when you smile.  Your hands look rough but then you stroked the back of my neck and I knew how gentle you were.

You don't smile as much as you should. That's what you told me. You told me you were working on it and I still believe you.




I'm still hanging on.

i can finally say:

happy birthday C. I hope you have an amazing 21st.

[caption id="attachment_49" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I already have a tan from yesterday's run."][/caption]

one hour run and today, I am very sore.

monday morning

I woke up to a quiet and dim morning. I tiptoed downstairs even though there was no one to wake up—it’s just a habit from my past. I turned on the radio, tuned into some jazz station and pulled up a chair to the window. I sat with my knees to my chin, coffee cup in hand and watched the sun make its daily appearance. I heard the birds chirping through the thin glass, the strong aroma of caffeine awoke my senses.

Suddenly, everything was alive.

"past loves they never got really far,
walls of pictures i've got in my heart
and i promise i wouldn't do this
till i knew it was right for me"

picnic

Today I went on a picnic with my friends in High Park. It was one of those lazy saturday afternoons and I have never felt so relaxed in a while. The sun shone on us, heating the top of our dark heads. We ate homemade sandwiches, drank sparkling juice and celebrated a friend's birthday all in one afternoon.

I am now tired from walking around the park, climbing a tree and getting marked by the branches of the plants which grew so magnificently in the park.

I am falling more and more in love with nature.