march 29th, 2010

was the day I found out a small known fact about myself.

I have neuronal migration disorder.

i think i've discovered what a sad hug is

He held me so tight and I felt so small against his strong frame. I felt myself sink into him as I closed my eyes. For a minute I let him hold me; I turned my head ever-so slightly and my lips almost brushed his cheek.

I would do anything to relive that moment,
It was all I needed.

i have a secret

I'm still so shy around you. Doesn't that sound so silly?

Where we stand.

Today I learned that you can keep your word.

You wrapped your arm around my waist and pulled me in, but I barely felt your touch. I was stunned. I wished you had laid your head a little bit longer on my body. The slight weight on my chest felt so right: we breathed together.

I want to find the words to let you know how much I feel.
(I'm selfish because I want to know how you feel about me).
I wish we could have another chance to talk, another night of laughing at our raw, honest lives.

I just want to know who you are.

It makes me squirm, fidget with my fingers.
Strands of hair fall over my eyes,
Making it the perfect excuse to use the palm of my hand to wipe the tears away as I brush my hair back.

Those words hurt a lot--hearing them from her.

note to self (and you)cherish life;

make every moment count with every person you love
don't let your life pass by without making an effort
let those troubles teach you multiple lessons
lessons in crying, tolerance and laughter.

Silence has never been louder.

Guilt and anger creates a a whirlwind of chaos,
I'm hungry for love, full of hidden tears.
The salty tears fool my body.

I'm tired of this.

it's still lingering on my lips

I took it all into my lungs,
then breathed it out,
letting the white smoke creep out of my mouth
brushing my lips.

It felt so right.

I kissed happiness on the cheek.

a bad day

I guess I'm just not having a good ending to a beautiful day.

Things are so stressful right now.
I really hate the way I've been acting towards her but I'm just so angry. I don't believe I'm angry with her per say but at the situation itself.

I hate watching her struggle.
I can't bear to hold up the weight she physically puts on me.
I just want to fall myself some days.

I want to lean on his shoulder,
I want to put my hand on his,
Know what his shirt feels like,
And keep his words locked in my heart.

I'm hurting a lot today.

For the past two weeks, my mind has been overflowing with anxiety.

I cannot sleep.

substance

All this time I've been looking for a good companion.
It's been real simple all along.

We went out for coffee tonight.
Red cheeks as words clumsily spill from my mouth.
I don't know what's to come
But it was still time we spent together--alone.

And I can't complain;

This guy has substance.

I've run out of words to describe the pain I feel when I see you like this.

Even my eyes have given up,
Tears do not help heal the wounds.

The stiff leg,
The numb hands,
The vomit,
The puddle of urine,
The shit that you can't force out,
The sighs,
The emptiness in your eyes.

I'm terribly angry because I cannot bear to soften my voice because I'm scared that if I do, the wall I've worked so hard to build will crumble in that very second I look right into your hollow eyes.

"I think I love even the most casual embraces."

my one fear

I only have one fear.
That is to never have lived a life.
Looking at my mum, I see how much she's missed out on.

Now that she is in such a debilitating condition, she won't be able to compensate.
This brings up so many emotions within me.

I don't want to end up like my mum.

Jazz Clubs

I've been getting into Jazz lately so I've been doing some surfing on the net. I've found a small list of Jazz clubs I would love to visit:
+ The Rex
+ Trane Studio
+ Gate 403
+ Reservoir Lounge
+ Dominion

Beautiful weather calls for a good run following with a pomegranate and mango scented shower.

And jazz music is a must.

The night will always be young.

In that one moment, I felt infinite.

He held me in the perfect way;
He made my shirt fit a little better
Towering,
I felt so tired in his arms.
I relaxed and let my weight fall onto his body.

Everything felt so right.

I spent the afternoon alone and it felt so nice to experience a couple hours in silence.

It's a silent movie and I'm the main character.
Being out of the house was nice for a change.
My alone time was free from interruptions,
It felt so good to keep my thoughts lingering in my head without needing to cut it short.

Oh, what a great Tuesday.

monday mornings

It was that look he gave me;
I felt the irritation and disappointment.
But was it right for me to do what he did to me that night?
He's got me wondering how great of a person I really am.
I want to keep promises and never back out of my words

He's got me so confused and tongue tied.

I don’t think I have the strength to let go yet.

The tears I cried last night meant nothing
It’s as if I Friday night never happened because I’m getting sucked into his ways.

Once again.

This first post holds a promise to myself that I will no longer restrain myself from my true feelings.

I promise I will post all things honest and real--from the heart.