Jovial June

It continues to amaze me how rapidly a person's outlook on life can change. It shows how vital concentration is in the process of change. This realization makes me recall the thought of how external change starts with internal change. 

 Personally, in the span of a year, my life has completely turned over a new leaf. However, it is not the environment around me that has changed at all. It is an internal change and this development has become a reflection of a "new life". I am slowly shedding off layers of old guilt and rotten love; I have discovered a new sense who I truly am--my being. I have a long way too go, I can act like a toddler and throw the biggest temper tantrum but in the end, I am better than who I was yesterday.

Summer is coming.

I will be leaving the country for two weeks.

I was in ruins.

But without ruins, there would be no transformation.

I am hoping to get back into posting more frequently to document this crucial stage in my life.

May you be happy,
May you be healthy,
May you be peaceful,
And may you be free from suffering.

Namaste.

beautiful afternoon

Life has thrown me the smallest distractions lately and have completely taken over my free time! But don't get me wrong. I absolutely love it. Between family, work and volunteering it's a difficult balance to achieve.  However, my goal is to become healthier and achieve a healthier lifestyle which means I'll continue work on it.

Sitting in this dainty tea shop, I could not help but admire all the colours in my smoked salmon salad. The oranges, greens, and purples opened up my appetite as I slowly ate. The vanilla pomegranate tea smelled incredible and complimented my salad. I never savoured my food as much as I did this afternoon and it was amazing. Suddenly, I realized what it meant to be conscious and aware--paying attention to Now.  I have been reading so much on spirituality, practicing yoga, all in hopes to find a more quiet and peaceful life (more importantly, quietening the mind). Since then, I have experienced glimpses of peace and awareness but this lunch helped me focus in on all my senses. Pure joy filled me as I gained insight on the joy of simple eating.  And just like how the tea complimented the salad, the sunny Spring weather complimented the warm and cozy environment inside. In that moment, I felt blessed; I felt myself glowing from the inside out. For a lack of better words...in that moment, I felt infinite.

Cheers,
t

Unexpected surprises

Two evenings ago, we were laying in his bed and catching up on each other's days.  Suddenly he had this look on his face and he stared right at me. I was mid-chuckling when I noticed and suddenly the room filled with a long silent pause. My heart was beating fast; his eyes told me he was thinking of something important and was on the verge of telling me. I recall his green eyes sparkling right before and out of nowhere he blurted out, "I love you".

I take these three words seriously. I don't say it without meaning it so those words hit me like a ton of bricks. I was speechless, I couldn't even crack a joke about it (not saying I would...).  I looked straight into his eyes and I found my answer: he was very serious about his feelings. However, I knew I could not return those three words, at least not now. I'll continue to follow my heart; I know that when the time is correct, I will be able to say it with no hesitation.

I'm grateful for the people in my life, early morning yoga, sunshine and all the love in my life.

My Story of Guilt

Guilt is a tricky emotion. It can either hit you instantly or creep up on you. I have unknowingly felt guilt for over a year now (if not more). I had no idea guilt was the drive to some of my bad decisions, for my negativity and for my inability to stop the drinking and binge eating. I had no idea why I was doing the things I was doing but it got me into some personal troubles and strained the relationship between my parents and I. Eight months ago, I began to learn to recognize the guilt that would arise when I would go out with friends or escape for a few hours to have some Me-time. It ate me up from the inside out and I would feel even more stressed after going out. I didn't get it. I would spend hours wondering why I was not feeling any better. But it suddenly struck me that I was never fully devoted to the Me-time I gave myself; I was constantly worrying about when I should go home, whether I should go home early, how can I drag out my time outside of the home etc. (the list was endless).

Despite swimming, jogging and occasionally practicing yoga, I still was tired. I tried to get the seven to eight hours of sleep too but nothing seemed to be helping me ease the stress, the worries. I was stuck. But I was trying; I was determined to get out of this rut and slowly, after turning to the right people and erasing the past, I begun to feel a slow but definite change in my state of mind. I was reading books, meeting new people and expressing gratitude. These small changes in the way I was thinking (on top of physical activity), helped me understand the way guilt worked. It was the root of my distress! And today, I can accept that I have been living with guilt all this time. I feel better just knowing this.

So now what? I have recognized this little seed of guilt and I things are slowly falling into place: I am exercising more often, I am motivated to eat better and drink less. I am more loving and more forgiving. It seems like once you get to the root of your negativity, the positive begins to fall into place. I am enjoying this journey of change and I will continue to embrace it. I know it will always be something I will have to work on and find a balance between Me-time and my family obligations but it will come slowly.

There is no end, only a journey until the very end.

Stop for a few minutes and ask yourself what is really making you upset? When you can live in stillness, you can begin to see a lot.

Cheers,
-t

A strange and curious realization

Yesterday morning was slow and romantic.

I woke up to the man I have liked for over a year; we were lucky enough to have been able to spend our two month anniversary together; it was my second time staying over at his apartment. It was only six o'clock in the morning when I was woken up by him sliding back under the covers. I mumbled a quick 'morning' before I slowly opened my eyes to him staring at me. I rubbed my eyes and smiled. He smiled back.

It was not long before we began to talk about our adventures the night before. I was so thrilled that he had a fun time with my friends. He was happy that he was finally able to meet them. Silence strung each small conversation together. He stared deep into my eyes and I felt that deep admiration from him. I blushed and looked at his freckled right shoulder.

He has always told me that he liked me (a lot) and that he was infatuated with me. I always knew I liked him more than any other man I have seen. And perhaps I had not realized the depth of our relationship and the impact we had on each other until he uttered "I am falling for you". When the words slowly slipped out between his lips, I stared right at him. I let out a nearly inaudible sigh. I was a bit lost in its context. I unsure of whether that was another way of saying I really like you. But when he clarified and added, "I am falling in love with you" my heart expanded and my mind drew a blank in my sleepy, slow state. I cleared my throat and kissed him--my way of letting him know how I felt. And I kissed him again and again and, again.

It wasn't until this morning did I realize that I, too, am falling in love with him.
The first time I met him, we had a great connection. I felt it. He knew it.
And after over a year of small run-ins, we have come to the strange and curious realization that we are in fact, in love.

Lazy Sunday

This morning was a pleasant one; woken up by a humorous text message from a dear friend, it had started out positive and sweet. Each day, I am finding myself falling in love with life's little gifts. I feel blessed. This morning, I watched the sky turn from grey to a bright sunny yellow; it filled the kitchen with this powerful energy, as it began to lightly snow. It was incredible to watch.

My baby succulents are beginning to grow again too. I was afraid that they would not last this winter but they are thriving and looking healthier than ever. And as this Sunday slowly passes, I am grateful for being strong, independent and rational (for the most part). And while I was disappointed that I will not be able to see him today, I am still smiling because I know these all are a part of life.

Wishing you all a peaceful and lazy Sunday.

Cheers,
-t

Re-Learning

Practicing yoga reminds me that happiness is not to be found; it is to be created.
There is no reason to define happiness either. It is what it is: a positive feeling, felt and produced by the body's response to the absolute infinite and nothingness.

Another Beginning

The start of this year has been nothing short of busy. Ironically, I have found myself more busy without school in the picture. As a result, my blog has been neglected but I'm striving for regular updates as many things are in the midst of changing.

The transition into the new year has been a subtle one; I guess I was anticipating a clear and definite sign to mark the new year but that was definitely not the case. In ways, I am glad there is no drastic change to create a distinct marker between one year and the next as transitions are probably smoother when they are gradual. I entered the new year with the start of positive relationships and I am very grateful for this. My positive influence on the family has been helping to build a more trusting and open relationship with my parents. My new relationship with the gentleman has been  slow but nothing short of spectacular. He has surprised me with his support and I am very content with our continuing journey together.

In addition to these environmental changes, my own spiritual growth has been helping me through rough, violent times. I have cried tears of fear and sadness but that does not mean I am any weaker. In fact, to allow my body to let its natural emotional response to occur, I have become a stronger person. I feel free to choose which emotions I want to take over me (if any at all) and that realization alone has made me a better person. I recently stumbled upon this quote by Rita Schiano:

"Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys." 

 

I read this over and over and over again before I realized that this was what I was trying to do all along. My focus on the pain in life only held me back; it became a constant which was holding me back from what I could feel, or what I could potentially feel. We all have a choice, some more obvious than others, but in the end, we have a choice. Maybe not through actions but we can most definitely choose to zone in on the positive, healthy emotions to ease the aches and hardships in life. Tough situations do not last forever, but tough people do.

As for this blog, I'm not sure where this will be going. I had full intentions to make this blog an opportunity to document my life. However, I can't say I have been doing a spectacular job doing so. Being a busy young adult with many life responsibilities, many photographic opportunities slip through my fingers as they flash before my very eyes. However, memories remain and I will try to take advantage of this. With words, I will try to re-live the moments and document them here so that this blog will become a place of nostalgia. So hopefully, I will be updating this blog to help me remember as I continue to learn to live in the present; to simply be.

Cheers,
-t

Meet Dharma

“Hey beautiful, hope you’re feeling better today. Knew I wasn’t going to see you today and couldn’t help make you feel better if you weren’t. So I left a friend of mine at the only for you. Her name is Dharma, Junior put her on top of the fridge. Hope she puts a smile on your face because I can’t today.”

So through a whirlwind of events, our fate has intertwined after over a year of untimely events and messy situations. I currently find myself in a relationship unlike all the others. Finally, I am in a serious and relaxing relationship with a man who once made me cry; he made me smile more but there was nothing more between us then the short, random encounters. But that is the past. We have made it past the murmurs and gossip and we are content--so content! Separately, we are both in good places in our lives at the moment. And because of this, I truly believe this is the reason why we have started a life together--now, not then. And now, not forever. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I am expecting the worst or that I don't believe that we can make it past three months. But when changes occur, we cannot go against them. We must ride along the ups and the downs, no matter how tough they seem. In these past few years, I have learned that nothing is permanent and so, every tough situation can turn for the better. I am hoping that this will last because he makes me feel stronger and more independent. It seems a little ironic that being in a relationship can make you more independent but because our independence has gotten us this far, we want to continue to grow independently so we can proudly share our separate accomplishments together. Truth be told, it has not been a month but I have grown to admire this man will all my heart (not blindly). My admiration for him has helped me find inner love for so many others.

I truly believe that I am in a good place in this very moment.

Cheers,
-t

On Fall Dates

I have always imagined that fall dates were more romantic and meaningful. Perhaps it is the cold weather that brings people together; over warm heating, dim lighting and a mug of hot tea or a good pint of beer. No matter what the occasion, a fall gathering always seemed more intimate to me. So when it comes to dates with that special person you have been admiring from a distance, these fall dates are enchanting.

My first fall date occurred last night. It was a painful process to arrange it but in the end, it paid off. It wasn't really that romantic. In fact, he made no reservations, we had no back-up plans and were limited to our neighbourhood. But despite those limitations, it was a night I would not forget...not for a long time.

We met outside an old pub and began making small talk. Scratching original plans, we ended up hopping into a cab to take us to a cozy neighbourhood bar. We sat huddled on this small loveseat, under very dim red lighting and unidentifiable background noises filled the room. It was perfect. With his leg crossed over his other leg, his knee leaned on my thigh. We casually touched each other's arm mid-conversation and a lot of laughter. I was starting to ease up and relax. And then, we got the news that a few people would be coming to the bar; people who would cause some drama so he paid the tab and off we went.

Again, with no plans, we headed to another pub. It was nearly deserted, with only a regular at the bar and a couple in the other corner of the room. It was perfect. We argued over who would pay for the bill; we laid things out on the table and talked openly and honestly. It all went--unexpectedly--well.

But the most memorable and most simple part about the night was walking home. While walking home, he made a subtle move of holding his hand out and without any hesitation, I put my hand in his. And that was how he walked me home.